Sun

I my goodness!!!!!!! Bunnie this was so amazing, I like Anabel. I like how you say that Cami misses the sun, and how that even thou she gets the need to kill, she doesn't mind it to much. I think that this is a really good story and I hope you continue.

It's ninja time (this story is to good I can't resit it.)

Heya! I really enjoyed reading your work, though it's a little bit short and I was left with unanswered inquisitions - as if mysteries . I hope you'll work these out - just continue writing.

So now, let's get Critiqual (what a word? hehe).

Firstly, the introduction was great - there were insights and other things which suited the first-person point-of-view. What I noticed at the beginning though, was the wrong Verb tense. You started with the past ones, so go on. For instance, miss must be missed (though it sounded really past, very over, or as if an old emotion, you must stick with it).

Secondly, I liked your descriptions, very clarified though some fell short. Just never fused them together in just one sentence or a paragraph. Try to stretch out.

Thirdly, you did well on punctuations. But next time, try to use other punctuations such as dashes or semi colons, rather than commas and periods.

Others were quoted:

I sat on the edge of the river, remembering how it felt to sit in the sun, how it felt to feel the cool water after the long, hot day. I miss that the most, the sun, I didn't mind that I lost all my 'friends,' or that my life ended and started again.

Something about him, it may have been that he looked at me too, or just how his body had mucles sculpted everywhere, or how he had brown hair that feel into his eyes, seemed to pull me towards him.

I started to step into the water, to swim across, and meet him.

"Careful, Cami," Aballa, my favorite of my new 'family', said calmly, coming through the trees. "He looks human, but he's just as dangerous as we are."

"You really don't want to know," I said, trying to be as convincing as she could be.

Hi there!

Lucyy gave a very detailed review, so mine might be a smidge short.

I miss that the most; the sun. I didn't mind that I lost all my 'friends,' or that my life ended and started again.

"Cami, let's just go back to the house. We don't want to start anything." I knew she was right, so I threw [s]through[/s] the apple in the river, and followed Aballa to the house.

Hiya there, I have decided to review this little golden nugget of a story here . First off I will go through the whole thing, making [comments/suggestions] and/or edits or extra addings-in, then I will go through the review with you at the end. So, here we go, I really hope this will help you out... (:

bunnie_i_am wrote:I [there are many ways in which you can start off a chapter, but using 'I' really isn't a good one. Why? Because you need to pull your reader in from the first line, and convince them that they should read your story through to the end, and 'I' really doesn't do that. So, use your imagination!! You could just get rid of the 'I', and keep your description that follows on, so you start it off with setting the scene...?] sat on the edge of the river, remembering how it felt to sit in the sun, how it felt to feel the cool water after the long, hot day. I miss that the most, the sun, I didn't mind that I lost all my 'friends,' or that my life ended and started again [I love how you're going straight to the thoughts/emotions of your MC, no messing about - great stuff!! (: ]. I don't mind that I have the sudden urge to kill others... [Ooh, I love how you slip this in so nonchalantly, great job!! (: ] All I miss is the sun, the way it felt, the way it warmed my body, the way it seemed to attract everyone outside, the way everyone planned pool parties and barbecues around them,[replace with a full stop] I really just miss it.
That's when I saw him. He was the only one that was in human form instead of wolf [I feel like there needs to be some extra added detail onto the end of that, like some kind of description, or explanation... What do you think?]. Something about him, it may have been that he looked at me too, or just his body [elaborate - what's so great about his body , add in some descriptions to create an image of him and what it is about his body that your MC likes. This will also be an opportune moment to add in a character description of the boy (: ], seemed to want to pull me towards him. I wanted to know everything about him. I wanted to know how he got dragged into this terrible rivalry, how he feels about it, how long he had been here, how often he misses his old life, everything. [Why? This seems to be going a little too fast for my liking. Slow it down a little, and add in some more explanations here and there, as it's all a little too vague at the moment]
I knew he probably hated me just by my sight, just by looking at me and seeing that I was a vampire. It was that simple.
That ended every thought I had, or it should of. It's just was [reconstruct to: It was just] impossible. He was a freaking werewolf, I was suppose to hate him!
[NP>>]How could I though? [I think it works as a line on its own - what do you think?]
It was his smile, that's what pulled me towards him. It was bright, even though it was pitch black outside. [That sounds slightly awkward, so try and rephrase it a little. Maybe do a bit more showing than telling..?] It was like the sun I missed so much [I love this line - the simple connection made, it's lovely!! (: ]. I started to step into the water, to swim across, and meet him.
"Careful[comma] Cami," Aballa [first time we've met this person, so we want to know a little about her - just her relation to the MC will be enough (: ] said calmly, coming through the trees. "He looks human, but he's just as dangerous as we are."
"I know... I just, um... I just wanted to get my feet wet..." I tried to lie.
"Cami, let's just go back to the house, we don't want to start anything." I knew she was right, so I [s]through [/s] threw the apple in the river [I didn't even know she was holding an apple!! Either mention this earlier or nix it, as it sounds slightly random], and followed Aballa to the house.
Aballa appeared as six or seven [how? Show rather than tell], but was actually almost a hundred years old. She had short brown hair, blazing blue eyes,[delete comma] and [s]of course[/s],[delete comma] skin that was pale white. She moved through the trees with a graceful ease that I knew would take years for me to accomplish.
I was the newest member to our 'clan' [who is included in the 'our'? Elaborate a little, and add a comma here] I guess you could call it. It was really more like a college dorm room, full of people who disagree on everything, even eating habits. It's quite insane, and I really hate it! [This line sounds slightly childish, especially with the addition of the exclamation mark - try and make it sound a little more mature, maybe? (: ]
"Cami, please stop being so negative, it's making me angry."[says____, flashing her heated azure blue eyes to gaze at me reproachfully - or something along those lines. Something more needs to be added her, same with the next line as well]
"I'm sorry, I really kind of..." [replies ___]
"Forgot that I can read minds? Yeah, I know."
"Oh yeah."
" What are you trying to hide, Cami?" Aballa said as though she didn't already know the answer.
"I don't, I can only see what you're thinking at the time."
"Oh, good."
"Cami, tell me now! You know I'll find out soon enough anyways!"
"You really don't want to know," I said, trying to be as [s]convencing[/s] convincing as she could be.
"You know why I was chosen to be the pact leader's right hand man? Because I dig for things. I don't give up, ever! Either you [s]can[/s] tell me now, or I'll find out the hard way, and then I could get you in so much trouble you wouldn't ever be able to leave your coughin [I've just looked up that word on the dictionary to find out its meaning, and it doesn't exist, so what do you mean by it?]," she said the last words with a smile.
"Aballa, do you remember any of your human emotions? Like how it feels to envy what others have?" I asked, carefully placeing [remove the 'e'] the right thoughts in my head. Sun, I thought, I miss the sun. [<< Thoughts in italics]
" Really [comma] Cami, that's it! That's really sad. You must still have a lot of your human emotions on the surface. Now, let's hurry up so we don't get caught by the sun."