Young Writers Society

Same thing Liz said. Not TBR Liz...but the Liz above me.

Not bad at all. I think it would be a lot better with TBR's suggestions, but I did like it. Nice work.

Ah yes.... The offical grrrrrr... maybe he noticed that You said POEM instead of lyrics... there is somewhat of a difference... I have to stop stalking you... god.... :leaves:

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I'm not one to Edit uncontrolably but....

Drop after drop flash after flash
the light and sound start to clash
it went so fast I could not gasp
a breath of air.

COULD BE:

Drop after drop, flash after flash
As light and sound start to clash
It went so fast and I could not gasp
One single, breath of air.

I don't know, I like to make things really long. I don't think you speleld TRICKLING right... I don't even know if I spelled it right so nevermind.

Anyway I did really like this, especially because we spent 2 hours on the phone watching the lightning flash. We saw a Y shape and a W shape and we were watching for an S shape good job, I really like this. Now, to continue on a tune for another one of your songs...

A very well written poem.

Only one problem, and it looked as if this was what you were going for. The last line of each stanza was just to short. It begins to seem sort of comical, somehow.

So, to prevent this break, instead of "...A breath of air," it could be, "A single breath of air."

Also, some other fillers need to be used in places that lack consistency. Like in Stanza five, Line two. Instead of "on," I would use "upon."

Okay, so, that's it. Nice work. Unless you were going for the break at the end of each stanza, use some fillers. Ohhewwo out.

...

Man, that's annoying, isn't it? "So-and-so, out." That bothers me. ... Okay bye now!