Untitled as of yet

"Hey Kira! Wait up!" Genna called out to her friend. Kira stopped and turned around to wait. "What's up with you? Today was the las day of school this year! There's nothing to mope about!" Genna said once she had caught up.

Kira was one a approximately fifty white kids that attended Our Lady of the Sorrows High School in Bronx, New York. When new white kids came in they were put through a test stage for the first month or so where they were picked on and teased to see where they would fit in with the different cliques. Almost every year a group of new boys would come in and decide to start the process all over again with all the white kids. Though the group usually only consistedof around five or six people. It never worked out well for them, the white kids were well cememted within their groups of friends and those groups usually were pretty protective of each other. The first time Kira had gone through the process she had just moved to New York from Oregon back in first grade. Her Dad had lost his job and had found a new one in New York.

She had no experience with the noise and people of a big city.They had lived in a small home surrounded by woods and the closest neighbor was just under three miles away. She had loved running through the trees as a little girl and picking up acorns and pretending that they were the beans from the fairytale Jack and the Beanstalk. But of course that all changed when they moved to New York. The kids in school had put glue in her chair, broke all of her crayons, things that get to small children. They of course had improved on their techniques as they got older. Nowadays theyknocked trays of lunch food into their laps and shoved their face down into the water fountains. Still nothing serious, but enough to get under someone's skin. After she paddes the test Genna had taken Kira under her wing and showed her around and introduced her to people. Since then the two had been the best of friends.

Genna however, was a born and raised New York City girl. The closest she came to the 'great outdoors' was Central Park. She knew the subway stops by heart at seven and often knew her way around better than her parents. Her father was raised in a small suburb outside the city and his father often took him fishing on the weekend. Where as her mother was the same as Genna. Her wonderful husband tried taking his beloved wife on a camping trip soon after they had gotten married. Afer two days in the woods they both decided to save their marrige it was safer if she just stayed at home while he did his camping thing. He then tried taking his little girl when she was small and could be encouraged to enjoy it. She was worse then her mother he found. She was disgusted with sleeping on the ground and screamed at anything that ever resembled a bug. She thought fishing was ucky and cruel to the worms, she thought the fire was too warm and being away from it was too loney and cold. Since then he saved camping for his annual 'guy weekend'. he would spend two days out at a camping site in a tent with three of his buddies from work and do whatever it is guys do when they are by themselves in the wilderness. According to Genna's mother they sat around drinking beer and acting 'manly' by not showereing and trying to make a contest of everything. Kira's father joined them every year he could get off work. He apparently missed his college days.

The day had gone reasonably well, the teachers were laid back and let the girl, (and boys) get away with dress code violations. They had herded all the students to the gym for a three-hour session of year-book signing. There had been table os pizza and soda for linch. And even ice-cream bars for the well behaved students. "The staff must have done some major fundraising for all those sweets they handed out today," Kira thought, "The school never had the money for that kind of thing. Or someone gave a very large donation, and I really don't see that ever happening. They always give money to the really poor schools or the really rich ones that have no need for it and it stys in a bank for fifteen years before it's used. And then its spent on something silly like... new lunch trays. Oh well, a mystery that will mever be solved."

So far they had walked about two city blacks of the fifteen it took to get to their apartment building. Along the way they had passed many colorful little shops that sold all kinds of things. There was a small bakery that they loved to stop in for a quick bite before school, (they had the best cinnamon rolls in the area); there was a place where you could take pottery lessons. They had tried it one summer and both failed horribly at it. The teacher got so fed up with them he finally gave then some watercolors and a stack of papers. He told them "I don't understand it!I have never failed teaching this wonderful art before, but alas these girls are hopeless!" he of course had a funny sounding French accent. They had giggled and ended up making a mess with the watercolors too. Somehow they managed to stain a good portion of the carpet around them. There was also a book store that served the best lattes they had found. When they were younger and their parents didn't let them drink coffee they snuck in there and drank so mych they felt like throwing it back up. Since then they stuck mainly to the store's hot chocolate and lattes. There was also a small pizza joint that smelled like od gym socks but served a great deep dish, you jusr had to wait outside for your order. They had once dared a boy that Genna had a crush on to eat an entire pizza they had on special one year. For fifteen dollars you got a medium sized pizza pilled so highg with toppings and cheese it stood a total of two inches high. He only made it through three and a half pieces before he had to run to the bathroom to empty his stomach, he didn't quite make it. He threw up on the absolutely hideous carpeting that was a bright orange and yellow swirled together with pictures of pieces of pizza and toppins on it. he still to this day wouldn't even look at a piece of pizza. There was also a small flower boutique, they had spent hours with their noses pressed to the glass window making up extravagant stories about where the flowers would end up, as well as planning their wedding bouguets. One time the owner, a girl who was in her mid twenties had given them small bouquets to give to their mother's for Mother's Day. The woman had looked at them fondly and told them to treat their mama's special that day because they must drive the poor ladies crazy. Kira looked around fondly and gave a small smile at all the places she had spent most of her childhood at before turning back to Genna.

"I don't really know why I'm being mopey, as you put it. I just have a bad feeling about today. The feeling you get when you forget something huge like a really big test and you didn't study for it at all. Or the feeling you get when you realize you're late for something really big. Like something really bad is gonna happen, ya know?"

"Yeah, I had the same feeling the day that I failed the English exam. Remember? I still don't understand why we have to take that class. We speak the language don't we? Now that I thik about it, I got that feeling the day I found out Jeremy was cheating on me," Genna replied, glancing at her friend as she tucked her long dark brown hair behind her ear.

"This feeling is worse, like something extremely bad is going to happen," Kira respinded, pushing the button on the side of the traffic light pole. The traffic wasn't too bad here but it was a habit she still had from taking walks with her mom in the small town near their home. When the walk sign blinked on they started to cross, Genna pulling in front to turn around to talk to her, walking backwards. All of a sudden there was a screech of tires to the left. Kira looked at her friend's face and saw absolute terror and turned to see what was going on, she only had time to widen her eyes. For a split second it seemed she was floating above, watching the scene in slow motion as the car crashed into her as Genna screamed, before everything went black.

This is a novel...I'm planning on many many chapters. So if there's anything I need to work on, please let me know, I'll do my best to fix it.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
KJ
Review
KJ wrote a review · Thu May 08, 2008 4:06 pm

I'll get to the punch: You have many spelling errors, and I don't think you should use capital letters when emphasizing. For a beginning this has far too much narrative. Sometimes it can be pulled off, but there has to be something attention-grabbing in it or introducing it.

If you want a strong beginning I would suggest cutting back on the telling and do some more showing. Add dialogue. Make us feel like we're in the story.

You have a good ending, though. It leaves the reader curious. And I do like your writing style. This piece just needs some adjusting.

Good luck with editing, and keep writing.

Okay, so, godd things and bad things here.

First, the good things:

-Intruguing characters. You manage to show-not-tell about the lives of Kira and Genna enough so that we care about what happens to them.

-Cliffhanger ending. Killer. And very sudden, you really don't see it coming. Also, good forshadowing with Kira's emotions.

-Setting. This is good and bad. I like how you describe certain things, like the pizza joint.

Now the improvements-needed:

-The racial issue is unclear. Obiously it's important, since you mention "white kids" and "black men" and other things in your story, but you seem to be dancing around the issue. Is race going to be a key conflict in your novel (it very well could be)? If so, perhaps make the issue more dramatic right off the bat.

Also, on a related note, are we to infer Genna is black?

-Your very beggining is slightly slow and meandering. Try to pull your reader in with some immediate conflict or situation that's exciting or intrueguing, instead of going straight into characterization. Since you're writing a novel, you'll have plenty of time for background information that you can weave it into the storyline.

All in all, this is a great first chapter, and I can't wait to read your next one!

Oh, btw, to reiterate what Conrad said- a title never hurts!

User avatar
Conrad Rice
Review

This a good beginning to what will hopefully be an even better story.

I say that because there is some work that needs to be done on this story. I saw quite a few spelling and usage errors that must be fixed before anything else.

Also, you might consider giving things a little more depth. Why are the children so cruel to each other? Perhaps it might be because it is a hard New York neighborhood, but you need to suggest it better than you do.

You might also consider shortening your paragraphs. When I say this I don't mean cut things out of your story. I mean break the paragraphs up. It will make it much easier for the reader to understand, and therefore much easier to get into.

This story does have great potential. I look forward to seeing revisions as well as the next chapter

P.S. Think of a title. I have found that when you give your stories a title you become more attached to them.



You walk into this room at your own risk, because it leads to the future, not a future that will be but one that might be. This is not a new world, it is simply an extension of what began in the old one. It has patterned itself after every dictator who has ever planted the ripping imprint of a boot on the pages of history since the beginning of time. It has refinements, technological advances, and a more sophisticated approach to the destruction of human freedom. But like every one of the super states that preceded it, it has one iron rule: logic is an enemy and truth is a menace.
— Rod Serling