Untitled as of Yet

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: As a start to a novel, on first glance this is definitely enough to make me want to read on. Its pretty interesting and fairly catchy. Its got a nice cliffhanger at the end, you do a decent job of investing us in Lynn so pretty good job I would say.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Lynn was out shopping with her mom after playing hooky on the last day of school. She never got to see her mom; she was a single parent with a demanding full time job. She was a very well respected lawyer in the area and to many clients for Lynn to keep track of. And if her mom was at home she was usually cooped up in her office, looking at piles and piles of paperwork, and looking for loopholes in this law or another. The few times Lynn got to spend with her mother usually weren’t much longer than an hour at a time.

Well that's a pretty decent opening paragraph. Gives us a good baseline for what is going on and who this main character's mom is. Pretty decent way to start something off.

Lynn glanced at her mom, her hair, usually pulled back into a tight bun, was down styled perfectly into large but soft curls. The roots of her hair were starting to reveal her age growing gray in her mane of blonde. Her face, still young looking had a few wrinkles around the eyes, all of them smile lines. But from the morose attitude of late most would never believer her past cheerful and optimistic outlook on life. Lynn’s father had passed away four years ago after a short-lived battle with cancer. Her mother was hit hardest by his death. She had fallen into a depression that she eventually came out of after having a revelation that her husband would want her to move on. And she was attempting that by burying herself further in her work and going on as many dates as she could fit into her tight schedule. Lynn hated every man that walked out the door with her mother. Seeing each as a possible replacement of her father.

And we get to the sad stuff...well at least it is a pretty realistic depiction of such a scenario.

To make up for all the time her mother had missed with her daughter, she took Lynn to all sorts of fancy and expensive stores. Lynn already had three large closets filled to the brim with clothes, but if she picked it up it was placed into the ‘buy’ pile in every color they had. After spending enough money to send her to an upscale state university for two years, they moved onto the make-up and perfume counters.

Okay, well I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a sign of good or bad but okay, reading on...

Lynn was almost sick of all the fake attention her mom gave her, she longed to be able to just hang out in the movie room at home with a giant bowl of popcorn between them laughing hysterically at poorly made romance movies like they used to. Or to just sit and talk about how their days had been. But her mom didn’t have time for that anymore, it was buy her daughter’s affection a few times a month and then not see her except in passing for eternities.

Okay so it is a bad thing, then the slightly sarcastic tone of the earlier passages makes a lot of sense. Good Job on that.

“Give me your bags!”

At first Lynn and her mother stared him in shock before he screamed at them.

“Give them here now! I mean it, I’ll shoot!”

"Screamed" is not a great choice of word there, otherwise well lovely sudden twist there and a bit of change of pace as well.

“Lynn! Give them to him!” she could hear her mother screaming at her, almost sobbing. But for some reason she couldn’t move.

“Two…. three!”

Oh dear.

There was loud bang, leaving a ringing in her ears before pain blossomed in her left shoulder area. She looked down in shock, seeing red spreading in the cloth of her top. She reached up with her right had to touch it, bringing her fingers away she looked at them, they were colored with blood. She looked at her mother, eyes wide, before they rolled back in her head and she collapsed.

Whoa we have ourselves a cliffhanger.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall it was definitely an interesting read and I hope to maybe run into more parts of this novel at some point. Alright then, that's all I have to say.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hi Bueberry! Welcome to YWS! Anyway here's my review key:
Red = Comments
bold = Words that I've inserted that might work better.
Let's do this thing!

bueberry wrote:Lynn went [s]was[/s] out shopping with her mom after playing hooky on the last day of school. She never got to see her mom since she was a single parent with a demanding full time job. She was a very well respected lawyer in the area and too many clients for Lynn to keep track of. And if her mom was at home she was usually cooped up in her office, looking at piles and piles of paperwork, [s]and looking for loopholes in this law or another[/s]. The few times Lynn got to spend with her mother usually weren’t much longer than an hour at a time.
Lynn glanced at her mom's hair, which usually pulled back into a tight bun, and now was down styled perfectly into [s]large but [/s]soft curls. The roots of her hair were starting to reveal her age Insert comma here growing gray in her mane of blonde. Her face, still young [s]looking[/s] had a few wrinkles around the eyes, all of them laugh [s]smile[/s] lines. But from the morose attitude of late most would never believer her past cheerful and optimistic outlook on life. Lynn’s father had passed away four years ago after a short-lived battle with cancer. Her mother was hit hardest by his death. She had fallen into a depression that she eventually came out of after having a revelation that her husband would want her to move on. And she [s]was attempting[/s] thought that by burying herself further in her work and going on as many dates as she could fit into her tight schedule would take away the pain. Lynn hated every man that walked out the door with her mother. Seeing each as a possible replacement of her father was disheartening.
To make up for all the time her mother had missed with her daughter, she took Lynn to all sorts of fancy and expensive stores. Lynn already had three large closets filled to the brim with clothes, [s]but if she picked it up it was placed into the ‘buy’ pile in every color they had[/s]. After spending enough money to send her to an upscale state university for two years, they moved onto the make-up and perfume counters.
They bought enough make-up to supply a drag queen for a few years in every color that looked even decent on Lynn. And several gallons of the most expensive perfume they had, plus a few that really weren’t that expensive but Lynn thought smelled really good. Okay, you're doing a lot of what I call telling. Show us what's going on. Show us how they buy them, what they smell like, etc. Bring your readers into your world. By telling them about everything thats going on it ruins the affect and can make your story a little boring. I didn't indicate the previous paragraphs but there are a lot of big chunks of where you just tell us what's going on. PM me if you have a question
Lynn was [s]almost[/s] sick of all the fake attention her mom gave her, she longed to be able to just hang out in the movie room at home with a giant bowl of popcorn between them laughing hysterically at poorly made romance movies like they used to. [s]Or to just sit and talk about how their days had been.[/s] But her mom didn’t have time for that anymore, it was buy her daughter’s affection a few times a month and then not see her except in passing for eternities.
Soon it was time to go, her mom had another case to prepare for tomorrow. So they gathered their bags and headed for a door that wasn’t as used as when the building had first opened. They had built a bigger better parking lot on the other side of the building and the larger majority chose to park there. They were almost to the door when a man dressed all in black with a ski mask over his head came bursting through the door. He stopped short in front of them, looking surprised, before bringing up the gun he was holding. Show us!
“Give me your bags!”
At first Lynn and her mother stared him in shock before he screamed at them.
“Give them here now! I mean it, I’ll shoot!”
Lynn’s mother threw the bags at his feet, glancing at her daughter before starring at the gun. In her fright all Lynn could do was stare with wide eyes. She couldn’t believe it, these things didn’t happen to her. She shook her head, trembling in fear.
Suddenly she could hear hurried footsteps [s]a ways [/s]behind her. The man looked even more frantic, Lynn realized it was security guards coming.
“This is your last chance, I’ll count to three and it those bags aren’t at my feet you’re getting shot! Do you understand me? One….”
There was still not response from Lynn. Show us why. Show us her fear. The way her heart beats, the sweat on her palms, the way her adrenaline pulses through her viens. Why is she so stuck?
“Lynn! Give them to him!” [s]she could hear [/s]her mother screamed at her, [s]almost[/s] nearly sobbing. But for some reason she couldn’t move.
“Two…. three!”
There was loud bang, leaving a ringing in her ears before pain blossomed in her left shoulder [s]area[/s]. She looked down in shock, seeing red spreading in the cloth of her top. She reached up with her right had to touch it, bringing her fingers away she looked at them. They were colored with blood. She looked at her mother, eyes wide, before they rolled back in her head and she collapsed. Show us her pain

I know it doesn't make much sense right now that I switched characters but it explains in later chapters kinda. And once again this is going to be a novel, so please let me know if you find any errors, I'll do my best to fix them. And I appreciate any sort of critizim, I think it helps me see what my readers want. I'm also trying to come up with a title, but I'm having some troubles with it. So as soon as I have one it'll be under that.

Okay, I really like the ideas you have here. A few additional suggestions:

You need more substance. Add more desciption. Instead of telling us what's going on, show us through dialogue and action. It gets a tad boring. I had trouble discerning your MC and her mom's characters. We need to know what your MC's thinking. Show us her feelings, show us her anger and hurt instead of just telling us she's mad. Also, the ending was very rushed. Develop her reaction, show us what's going on in her mind. If you try to flesh this out way more, it will be a much stronger piece. Good luck! If you have any questions feel free to PM me!