Version 1.2
The ghosts of little boys walk down the street
suited, tied and matching in their
workaday formality,
their faces lost to drudgery and
daily apathy.
While others age too fast, some remain
like chewing-gum children, stretched
around adult responsibilities,
their laughter lost in those cold days
that dwindle to empty evenings
and never end.
for this is the way that beauty goes,
and nobody notices.
Version 2.0
the ghosts of little boys walk down the street
suited, tied and matching in their
workaday formality.
like chewing-gum children, stretched
around adult responsibilities,
they lose their laughter those cold days
and work so hard for this: to blush unseen,
to dwindle to a quiet grave.
for this is the way that beauty goes,
and nobody notices.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
I thought that this was simply (well not so simply really) but beautiful. The last two lines were my favorite. Throughout the whole thing you use all these big words and complex ways of saying things, but the last two lines are so simple. They bring it all together perfectly. Sorry this isn't really a great critique but all I can really say is, "wow"
Thanks for the crits guys. I've played with it a bit, especially that second stanza; I wanted to keep something there as otherwise there'd be no substance to it, so I cut out part of the repetition and tried to smooth it out a bit. I've kept the long words too - I really can't find anything else that says what I want to say so concisely, lol, but I'm open to suggestions.
Cheers,
~bubbles
It got a bit too wordy for me, and that was my only real problem.
Quick! Replace one of these words!
It's ugly, and it bogs the reader down.
Again, replace one.
You know, it's a really beautiful poem for the most part, and it would be such a shame to make it sound like a history textbook. Other then that, I was very impressed with certain lines; ghosts of little boys / workaday formality* / chewing-gum children**
* The one rather lengthy word choice that flows.
** A classic.
EDIT: Suggestions? Depends what you really want to say. I googled "personified indifference", and I got 3 hits. I'm really not sure what you intend that plhrase to mean. Perhaps;
personified indifference = daily apathy
adult responsibilities = grown-up work (or something of the sort. I like it because it's shorter, and incorperates a childish term as opposed to the uninteresting "adult")
Do with these what you will.
I do like this--especially the end. The abrupt ending is poignant, I think, ends on a delightfully off-balance note.
I think you might have taken the descriptions of the men too far, through, emphasized the transition from childhood to adulthood too strongly. Subtlety is important in poetry, and while the descriptions themselves are great, it feels like you're reiterating the same point several times. I could almost cut the entire second stanza--the first and last say it much better, and much more concisely.
-Colleen