Young Writers Society

Oh...what can I say. It was beautiful, it was perfect, and yeah, I know my comments are sounding SO cliche; oh, that's the other thing - your poem was so un-cliche, new and original. It's something I've thought about often, so THANK YOU for putting it into words so well for me - the idea of borrowing people's mannerisms to adopt into your own identity to strengthen it rather than weaken it. Marvellous. I cannot pinpoint which lines were my favourite, but it was all heartbreakingly delicate and innocent, so well done

I really enjoyed this. Your description was amazing, and I loved how you gave an insight into the character. The only thing I can suggest is maybe saying "yesterday's" instead of "yesterday". (Tiny, I know.)
I especially loved the last two lines of the first stanza, the last sentence of the second stanza, and the whole last stanza. I just loved the sentiment.
This has a beautiful flow to it, your enjambment was perfect, and it was just, in brief, an absolute pleasure to read.

Ooh i liked this, it was great.

I can't really say anything more than that as i don't know anything about the technical side to poems...but i know that i like it. lol

x

Really beautiful darling. The part that most impressed me was the voice--like many people, I sort of "hear" things in my head while I read them, and this was a perfect, gentle whisper, never faltering or stuttering, just a steady stream in which every word found it's place. I'll leave the deeper poetry crits to Mesh and Imp, all I can say is that I really enjoyed it.

I don't know what to say, except this was one of the coolest poems I have ever read. It was original, your imagery was great... I loved it!! I don't know what else to say, as far as what to work on. Good job, and keep writing!

'Lo Bubbles - quick thoughts here.

bubblewrapped wrote:In the morning, she dresses herself in layers:
[ it seems it ought to flow with either yesterday and tomorrow being possessive, or neither ]
yesterday eyes, with tomorrow’s dress and a voice
borrowed from the girl on the corner, [s]who sells flowers[/s] selling flowers
and nightly dreams of Eden.
As she walks to work,
she catches a glimpse of that girl in a puddle
and smiles her newsreader smile – just enough
to make the corners of her lips go numb.

All day she sits inside another’s life, adopting
the quick hand-gestures of the manager
and the brusque goodbye of a check-out clerk;
curls her hair around one finger like the waitress
in a downtown café. While she waits for her meal to arrive,
she blows across her lunchtime coffee the way her father used to:
because sometimes its enough just to remember him by?.

And at times like this, collecting tokens of the passers-by,
recording their daily minutiae like someone who cares,
she feels powerful. It doesn’t matter that tomorrow,
she’ll walk a different way home, or that tomorrow she will
never see them again.

For the record? If you change one part of the first stanza, I will hurt you.

And at times like this, collecting tokens of the passers-by,
recording their daily minutiae like someone who cares, you need more of a pause here. maybe a colon, semi-colon or a dash. Play with it
she feels powerful. AH! bad word bad word BAD WORD! Take it away, methinks! Maybe, well, find a better word. "strong"? No...oh, interesting. dictionary.com has "wicked" listed as a synonym for "powerful" and that I rather like.

It doesn’t matter that tomorrow, take out that comma!
she’ll walk a different way home, or that tomorrow she will
never see them again.

Thus! Make it look something like this:

In the morning, she dresses herself in layers:
yesterday eyes, with tomorrow’s dress and a voice
borrowed from the girl on the corner, who sells flowers
and nightly dreams of Eden.
As she walks to work,
she catches a glimpse of that girl in a puddle
and smiles her newsreader smile – just enough
to make the corners of her lips go numb.

All day she sits inside another’s life, adopting
the quick hand-gestures of the manager
and the brusque goodbye of a check-out clerk;
curls her hair around one finger like the waitress
in a downtown café. While she waits for her meal to arrive,
she blows across her lunchtime coffee the way her father used to
because sometimes, it's enough just to remember him.

And at times like this, collecting tokens of the passers-by,
recording their daily minutiae like someone who cares --
she feels wicked.

It doesn’t matter that tomorrow
she’ll walk a different way home, or that tomorrow she will
never see them again.



No big changes, just played with the last stanza a bit -- make it a bit less abrupt.

This was great Bubbles! I don't think I've ever read your poetry, but I love what I read.

*As she walks to work,
she catches a glimpse of that girl in a puddle
and smiles her newsreader smile – just enough
to make the corners of her lips go numb.

**This was my favorite section. It's a great visual of your characters copycat way. In my eyes, your character copies so many others she's almost...unique. Wonderful title selection, it has the reader interested and fits well with your poem.

I really enjoyed this.

Keep at it!
~Rieda

Hi guys,
Thanks for your posts

carelessaussie -- thanks for the compliments lol. I agree the ending is a little sharp, so I'll work on it, but like you I'm not really sure how. Perhaps changing the line breaks there at the end will lessen the abruptness? We shall see.

fishface -- hey! dont think we've met, but welcome to the site if you're new lol. Hope to see you around

Cheers,
~bubbles

It's a good story, I like the descriptive words mostly.
I wish [italic] I wrote a story like that.

This was out of this world. I loved it. The only this was that the ending seemed sort of abrupt. I can't exactly think of a better way to wrap it up, but that one just seemed to...stop. Honestly, though, this was an incredible poem. Did you copyright it yet, because I'm thinking of stealing it. . .just kidding.