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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Mature Content

His Every Order :: Summary & Chapter one

by bubblegum


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

Hello there!

Before you start reading this story, you must know that this is only fiction.

Ravensbrook is a fictional city in the USA.

All characters are made from my own imagination.

WARNING: DARK THEMES. STRONG/SEXUAL ADULT CONTENT. (18+)

::::::::::: Not all chapters include this.

PS. Read at your own risk.

// This is the first draft. //

___________________________________________________________

After getting the job she was doomed not to get, Indie's life is about to turn upside down. As if being a waitress in the most popular club in town isn't hard enough, having a boss watching her like a hawk makes it even harder. While Indie is trying her best not to make mistakes, Asher Vanhorn has made it his mission to find one.

But she makes no mistakes.

At least not until her new neighbor moves in.

Ryan Hollis is kind, funny and everything Mr. Vanhorn is not. In other words, just what she needs in order to get her feet back on the ground.

All of a sudden Mistakes becomes her middle name and before she knows it, her new job is hanging by a loose thread. Mr. Vanhorn does usually not give second chances, but he's willing to make an exception.

Or two.

Or three.

But he has to draw the line at some point.

So when she draw a mafia boss' attention, he puts his foot down. Hard.

He gives Indie a choice: Follow his every order without question or leave and never come back. The latter is out of the question, which only leaves her with one option.

An option she's not prepared for in the slightest.

An option that will not only turn her life upside down but drag her down even further.

___________________________________________________________

:: C H A P T E R  O N E ::

"Oh God, I'm so sorry!"

Before she thought twice, she grabbed the napkin by his plate and started rubbing his crotch in order to clean up the mess she had made. It was really not her intention to spill wine on his black, and probably very expensive, suit. Or at anything for that matter. It just happened.

And she knew perfectly well why it happened. The guy sitting on the other side of the table just looked so damn irresistible. Mouthwatering. Meeting his gaze with a dreamy face, and probably drool in the corner of her mouth, she forgot to pay attention to the glass she was holding and poured the wine in the customer's lap instead.

If only he hadn't given her that smirk.

She hadn't even gotten a chance to peek at the man she had tried to serve before rubbing his pants. But her hand hardly made it up and down, before he caught her wrist in a grip so hard she had to bite her teeth together.

"Don't."

Even his voice was hard. So hard it sent shivers down her spine. And not in a good way. Still holding her wrist in a firm grip, he pulled her down so her face was inches from his. Trying not to break eye contact, she managed to get a decent look at the guy, despite their faces being so close.

He was not as attractive as his companion for the night, but he wasn't ugly to look at either.

His blue eyes were so intense it wouldn't surprise her if he could see right through her soul. She lowered her gaze before he got a chance to analyze it.

He lowered his voice and placed his lips against her ear. "You are going to tell me your name, apologize and then get us another waitress. Is that clear?"

The man straightened his back and let go of her wrist. She instantly started rubbing it, trying to ease the pain he'd caused.

She swallowed hard before she opened her mouth to obey his command.

"My name is Indie Patton, Sir. And I am truly sorry for spilling wine in your lap. If it's any comfort you can hardly see it due to the dark fabric," she said and made a small gesture to his lap. "I guess it was smart of you to wear black today."

She just couldn't help herself. Her statement was true though, one could hardly see it.

"You hear that, Asher? She thinks you're smart."

For a second she had forgotten all about the hottie on the other side of the table. She glanced over at him, only to see a wide grin spread across his beautiful face.

"If you know what's good for you, shut up," Asher snapped. She believed that must be his name.Asher. Why else would the hottie call him that?

"You-"

The man – Asher – pointed a finger at her. "Shut your goddamn mouth and fetch us another waitress. If this was my restaurant I would have fired you on the spot, but sadly, that is not up to me. However, if you don't move that tiny ass of yours within the next two seconds I might have something to do with it after all."

Was that a threat?

And what did he just say about her ass?

She wasn't quite sure, but she sure as hell wasn't going to stand there and find out. Without taking another glance at either of the two men, she spun around and headed for the kitchen to let another waitress serve that asshole.

***

"Myka," she sighed as she spotted her friend, who also happened to be her co-worker at the restaurant, with her arms filled with no more than five full plates. She was a couple of years older and had worked at the restaurant for as long as Indie could remember.

"Hmm?"

Myka was already half way through the door leading out to the dining area.

"You need to take table 46 for me. I may or may not have spilled some wine on one of them, and-"

Myka cut her off before she could finish. "You're kidding, right?"

Indie's grimace gave her away.

"You're fucking unbelievable sometimes," she heard Myka mumble as the door was about to close after her and her red ponytail was the only thing Indie could see through the tiny window on the kitchen door.

***

"Indie?"

Her name on her boss' lips made her stop in her tracks, her hand still resting on the door handle. Why could she never leave without anyone noticing?There was always someone who had to bother her at the last minute.

Not that her boss actually bothered her. Quite the opposite. He was always friendly and kind. And his good looks were just a huge bonus. If it hadn't been for his age, she would have made a move ages ago. Not to mention that he was married to someone else and had three kids. He was the perfect gentleman and the best boss she could ever imagine having.

Indie turned her head around, pushing some of her brown hair behind her ear. During work hours she had to wear it up either in a ponytail or in a tight bun, but she always let it loose once her shift was over. Which was no less than seven minutes ago.

She arched her brows, asking him what he wanted without using her voice.

"Are the rumors true?"

It was impossible not to notice the humor in his voice or the grin he was trying his best to hide.

Indie's cheeks turned red when she met his gaze, and a low chuckle followed not long after.

"You just cost me twenty bucks," he informed her.

Had she not heard the humor in his voice or seen the glint in his eyes, she would have thought he wanted her to pay up. Instead, he ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. He had lost a bet.

"You sure make this place more interesting, Indie. Which reminds me--"

He took a few steps in her direction, closing the distance between them.

"I know you asked to get more working hours here, but I don't have any. To be honest, you won't even get this many in March. I'm really sorry, but I have to cut down on everyone's hours, and since you only work three days a week already, you'll notice the biggest difference."

Indie wanted to argue. Tell him that it was extremely unfair, but seeing the look on his face made her close her lips. He actually looked sorry. That was a look she hardly saw on his face. She knew it was going to be slow the next couple of months. It always was after Valentine, so it shouldn't come as a surprise anymore.

It did, though. Indie was not prepared to lose even a penny from her income.

So instead of biting his head off for not letting her work more, she placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"It's no problem at all, Wren. I'll just start applying for other jobs. I hope it's okay that I put your name on my references?"

That was the least he could do for her. Putting in a good word.

He patted the top of her hand and gave her a warm smile. "Of course. I'll make sure you get one in no time, don't worry. I know you live on your own, Indie, so if you ever need help with anything, you'll let me know, right?"

She wanted to tell him that she didn't need his help. Even if she did, she would never take anything from him. He had done so much for her already. She was eighteen when she started working for him. With no former experience, he had still given her a job. Without it she wouldn't be able to pay her rent.

Until her 21st birthday last September she had gotten some financial help from her parents. She had lost a few pounds since then, but she was too stubborn and proud to tell her parents that she still needed their help. This left her with no choice but to put all her effort into getting a new job.

"I'll see you Friday," she said to put an end to their conversation. She avoided his proposal on purpose, which in her eyes was answer enough.

***

Half way down the hall to her apartment on the third floor she could hear Harvey's signature walk behind her. Or maybe it was just the way his shoes squealed against the floor that gave him away.

"Didn't you have a date tonight?" Indie asked without looking over her shoulder.

His loud sigh indicated that it either didn't go very well or didn't happen at all.

She held the door to her apartment open for him, and he slipped past her without a word.

"Aw, come on, Harv. Was it really that bad?" she teased as she kicked her boots off. They both flew toe first into the nearby wall leaving a loud thud behind before they ended up on her floor.

"Whatever it is you're picturing... It was ten times worse. At least!"

Throwing himself on her couch, leaving no space for her, she walked right past him and into the kitchen. If one could even say that, considering the kitchen was a part of the living room. There was no wall separating the two rooms.

She grabbed a slice of cold pizza from the cardbox that they'd ordered yesterday, before making her way over to him. Without asking for consent she hoisted his legs up and positioned herself under them, letting them rest on her thighs.

"I don't understand. You love brunettes? And she looked so pretty in that photo you showed me!" Indie exclaimed.

"Trust me. That photo must have been five years old, if not more. She was twenty-nine, Indie. Twenty-fucking-nine. Now, don't get me wrong, I like older chicks. You know, Megan Fox and Jessica Alba. But this chick? I could see her wrinkles. Her wrinkles! She's not even supposed to have them yet. Not to mention she brought her dog. And guess what?"

She opened her mouth to tell him she wasn't going to guess, but he beat her to it.

"She had a kid. A girl."

Indie had to cover her mouth, which was still full of pizza, in order to keep the food inside to fall out when she laughed. Well, that was rich. Poor Harvey. He'd lived in the apartment complex longer than her, and he'd never had a girlfriend. If it hadn't been for the fact that they were old childhood friends and now best friends, she would have volunteered to be his girlfriend, but none of them wanted to screw up their friendship. Besides, it would have felt like she was kissing and screwing her brother.

"The date was over before I got to introduce myself," he stated. "So I've basically waited for you to come home the last couple of hours. So let's hear about your day. Anyone puked in their food again?"

As his grin grew wider, her cheeks grew hotter. "Not exactly. I – I might have spilled some wine in someone's lap today. And before you ask, I didn't mean to!"

Harvey just chuckled and shook his head. "I don't know what I want to see the most, your face or theirs."

She hit his thigh playfully. "Jerk."

"But you love me anyways," he chuckled.

She truly did.

"Wren has to cut my hours," she eventually said, lowering her gaze. "I said I was going to apply for other jobs, but I haven't seen any ads in weeks. Not any I can apply for anyways."

Indie wasn't sure why she told him. Out of habit, maybe? They always told each other everything. Then again, what could he possibly do about it?

"Well, today is your lucky day, 'cause I know just the place!"


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1162 Reviews


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Sun Apr 23, 2017 8:42 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello! I'm here to bring this out of the green room for you! :D

Right off the bat, I appreciated that you included a little warning at the beginning that this story won't be appropriate for younger audiences as it gets going. I think your rating for this chapter is fine, but just be mindful of how your rate your chapters going forward.

I love reading romance, and this definitely reads like a new adult or adult romance. It has the right tone and voice for an older audience, which is awesome because that can be hard to capture.

I don't have a lot of critiques for this chapter because it's still pretty early in the story and I thought this was a pretty good opening. I liked that you got right to the point while still introducing our major players. You've also planted some interesting seeds in this chapter that I'll be curious to see how you develop (like this relationship with her roommate).

The guy in the diner and attitude to getting wine spilled on him seemed a little extreme. I mean, I'd believe that he wouldn't be excited about it or having this strange woman touch him, but he seemed a little over the top to me. Maybe that's just his personality, I don't know. I guess it won't really matter if he doesn't end up being a major character, but I have a feeling we're going to see him again, I don't know why.

I don't think you need as many scene breaks as you've included here. I'm kind of picky about scene breaks so this could just be a personal problem, but I feel like everything that happens in the diner could be one scene because it's all happening at the same time in the same place and you can pass the time and transition from moment to moment through the prose rather than cutting the scene up.

The only other thing I wanted to mention is that I want more description. Things are happening and people are talking, but I don't have a firm sense of place. I think you can describe Indie's surroundings more and then show how she interacts with her surroundings. You show how she interacts with others well, it's just the setting that I think needs more. (I struggle with that too :p). I'd recommend checking out the description section of the knowledge base to see if there's anything in there that might be helpful to you. I know I reference things in there all the time when I'm writing!

Overall, I think this is a fine opening chapter. I think you presented the opening conflict and the main characters pretty well and I'm curious to see where you're going to take this and what will happen next. I'm definitely curious to see who she's going to begin a steamy romance with - will it be her roommate, the attractive guy, the rude guy, or someone else! :D

Let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention, and I'll see you in the next chapter! :D




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Fri Apr 14, 2017 5:27 pm
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skylnn00writes wrote a review...



Hey! Sky here for a review. I realized you posted this a while ago and still haven't gotten any reviews so I figured I'd give you one. I did read your warning, so I will probably skip right over the sexual part. Anyway, let's get to this review.

After getting the job she was doomed not to get, Indie's life is about to turn upside down.

Mr. Vanhorn does usually not give second chances, but he's willing to make an exception.

I found both these sentences to be a bit awkward. In the first one, I think you should reword the first part until the comma. The second one I would just reword to say "Mr. Vanhorn usually does not give second chances..."

This summary is really good. It's very intruiging and I'm actually already a bit nervous for the character.

He was not as attractive as his companion for the night, but he wasn't ugly to look at either.

I'd reword this to "...but he wasn't too hard on the eyes either." Something like that because I don't think someone is ugly to look at, even if they are just ugly.

She believed that must be his name.Asher.

Tiny spacing issue I'll point out.

It always was after Valentine, so it shouldn't come as a surprise anymore.

Just a tiny suggestion, I'd actually write out Valentine's day.

She grabbed a slice of cold pizza from the cardbox that they'd ordered yesterday, before making her way over to him.

Cardboard box I think you meant.

You love brunettes?

If you are going to put a question mark here, I would write "Don't you love brunettes?" If not, then maybe change the question mark to a simple period.

Okay, that's all the critiquing I can give. I like where this story is going. I do have to admit, there are some cliche parts like in the beginning her spilling wine and trying to wipe his crotch... Just make sure to add your own plot points into it. Other than that, I have to say this is very good and well written. About to go read chapter 2 because I saw it was up too hehe. Hope this review is helpful :smt001

~Sky




bubblegum says...


Thank you so much! This helped a lot
For the mature part, it's not really there yet, but it will develop throughout the story, so I guess I didn't need to put up any warnings just yet... Well, well :)

- Veronica




Sometimes poetry is inspired by the conversation entered into by reading other poems.
— John Barton