Published May 17, 2007
On the bathroom floor , razor in hand, pistol in the other. how painful was life for her that she came to this or how sad was it. the scars of life cut into her arm. she's been waiting for so long to do this. has ben fighting herself everyday when not even a shimmer of light shone in the dark world of hers.
Raising the gun to her head. not thinkinh what her death would say to her family and others who knew her, others who truly hated her. this is the day she would show them all how hurtful their words were. this is what they wished to happen. and it will. a gunshot heard. and so the death of this sad, lonely, girl had been commited. a suicide.
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141,247 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
I'm going to skip all the grammar, capitalization, punctuation, etc. Everyone else has told you you need to fix that ^_~
This rule should apply to all fiction.
But I'll probably end up repeating Snoink, only with more words.
We need to know who your character is. What has happened in her life for it to be so bad? Why does she resort to suicide, rather than finding a way to pull herself out of her troubles and become a stronger person for it? Why does she not care if her family cares for her death? Was she ever happy? Does she have any friends who will miss her? We need to know more about her and be able to relate to her. So we can care for her, and this suicide will actually have some impact on us rather than just a death.
We need to be given a reason to want to feel sad for her, and cry because she killed herself. Without that you're just capturing a moment of someone's suicide, and it really doesn't make a good story because there is nothing else to it.
Create an actual plot, give us a conflict. She wants to kill herself, but if she does, she may never get to go to Washington DC, and it was her dream since she was a little girl to go. So maybe she has a goal in her life, but her life is too much for her to want to live through. Conflicting, huh? That makes a good story. I'm going to quote something a friend of mine got from an editor, just because I love it and I think it would, in general, help you make a better story: "Look, in our magazine our characters stand up and solve their problems, they don't lie down and whine about it." Make sure your character doesn't lie down and whine about it
Best of luck!
depressing bit much? i just hope that not how you really feel that was pretty strong!
It was short and breif, which I thought made it really good and interesting. You only skimmed the surface. Going into detail may have ruined it.
I think there was some mistakes in there, but I more look for the plot. Good descriptions and use of words!
Sad, but beautiful. I adored it.
If you want to save time, you could always use spell checker on YWS to get everything pretty. ^_^ Because, if you want to get any good critiques, most times you have to put work in it and make it as pretty as possible.
Anyway, I want more of the story. At the moment, you just tell us what happens. We want more juicy details. Why exactly is she commiting suicide? What brought her to this sad state? By adding more details, it will help us relate to the character better and your story will become much better.
Good luck and welcome to YWS!
yo dudes, thanx. yea. i have like alot of these. sorry bout the grammer and stuff. i never type the write way...right way. im always in a hurry.
kind of depressing, and it could use more detail, but i like how it ends. =] keep writing!
Um, punctuation? Um, grammer? Um, spelling?
And I'm not a fan of suicides. Points for spacing it out - I never spaced out my work. Name sezitahll!
-Twit