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18+ Language Mature Content

Recipe for the perfect slice of toast

by brotherGeo


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.

(Probably should of done this earlier but... trigger warning for those of you who get easily offended)

Ingredients: grave robbed Margarine, Marmite (Satan's best), KRUPS 4-Slot Toaster with Lights and Sound Enhancement, wholemeal bread very stale minimal mould

1.Surgically remove stale bread from back of cupboard.

2.Insert stale bread into KRUPS 4-Slot Toaster with Lights and Sound Enhancement.

3.Make sure toast is in the bread slot this time unlike before when you incorrectly used a snake and burnt down a 3 story apartment complex. After this activate the toaster, if toaster does not comply bribe the toaster through methods unknown.

4.Patiently wait for toast to pop up, grow impatient and threaten to expose the toaster for tax evasion.

5.If toast did not pop up carefully use a metal fork or copper wire to get the toast, you must ensure that the toaster is on and active at all time during this procedure. If the toast pops up normally remove toast, if toaster has gown emotionally attached to the toast, find a police issue baton to beat the toaster into submission. If toaster is white ask politely for it to comply.

6.Put toast into a chemical solution of your choosing and let marinate for 3 days. Store toaster in bathtub for later use.

7.Obtain shovel and dig up mothers grave, take the Margarine jar buried with her, try not to violate the dead again, if you are against this act then leave.

8.Use small butter knife to lightly spread Margarine over lukewarm slightly corrosive toast

9.Create portal to hell out of various household objects such as goat intensities, however we consider all possibilities so if you are a vegan use human intestines to create your hell portal.

10.Reach down into the fire pits of hell and grab Marmite (Satan's best).

11.Lightly spread Marmite onto the cold toast with a bone knife bought from the black market at a questionable rate.

12.Serve toast on floor and enjoy.

End result: A delicious piece of toast which experts consider the perfect piece of toast. However if a moderate size butter knife was used instead of the suggested small butter knife then a level 4 calamity event will occur shortly. Please be prepared to abandon everything you've ever known. Our company does not wish to explain the cause and effect of the results of using a large butter knife.

Please leave a review if you are dissatisfied.


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21 Reviews


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Sat Aug 01, 2020 2:50 am
VioletFantasy wrote a review...



I have to say, I am dissatisfied with this recipe. I was enjoying it until step 5. I don’t know if you realized that you made a racist joke, but you did.

“ If the toast pops up normally remove toast, if toaster has gown emotionally attached to the toast, find a police issue baton to beat the toaster into submission. If toaster is white ask politely for it to comply.”

If the toaster is not white, you are supposed to beat it?!?!? This is very offensive and not appropriate. I suggest that you take out this part entirely and as soon as possible.




brotherGeo says...


This is part of the joke and intentionally racist. my condolences if you found anything offensive. But if it helps, I did get permission from a friend of mine who is a Syrian refugee whom I work with, to post this.



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Thu Jul 23, 2020 6:07 pm
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Lia5Giba says...



This is beautiful. Truly a masterpiece. It's obvious I've been missing out on toast. I shall try your recipe right away. ;)




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Fri Jul 10, 2020 7:06 am
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Vilnius wrote a review...



Speaking as a Southerner, are you sure Margarine™ is superior to Butter™?
Only joking, of course! XD

Oh, to read this in the wee hours before the dawn while debating whether it is wise to sleep for the first time since... I became a writer! Oh, to long to be able to laugh without waking a soul, to cry joyous tears while biting down on one's lower lip!

Seriously, Geo, that recipe's awesome! I almost became a Satan worshiper while attempting to make this meal, but quite luckily there was a friend of mine that visited from Way Down Under to bring me some Marmite (Satan's best)™.

I don't think my momma would've liked me starting a Level 4 Calamity, so I've decided to start threatening my brothers with the Toast of Doom should they pester me to no end come daylight.

TL;DR: It was funny.

Stay well,
VP




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Sun Jun 28, 2020 8:34 am
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Gravitem wrote a review...



Oh lord I thank thee if you exist, for thy creations - especially humor made from stuff of quality that carveth a smile even on bold old Nestor.

And no, I'm not dissatisfied. 'Tis the best dish I have eaten in my 16 years of life. This isn't really a review, but it is one at the same time. I hope you like my taste. If you're looking for someone to stick around and taste all your recipes, my hands are raised.

By the way;

if you are vegan use human intestines

ROASTED!

I'm only joking. I really liked this, and man I need more of these recipes. please do consider my offer

There was quite a lot of comedy in this and it was not poor at all. It was a cross of little to no slapstick and a lot of randomocity thrown in. I liked it. It might just be me, but I felt the presence of a message in this. Although, do not mistake me for one of those charlatans who see a message in everything.

Thank you, have a great day!!!

Yours sincerely,
Myth :D

P.S consider my OFFER




brotherGeo says...


I got a lot more where that came from so don't worry.



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Tue Jun 09, 2020 3:22 pm
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Em16 wrote a review...



First off, I’d like to say I loved this piece. Honestly, I was expecting an actual recipe that someone had posted as a joke, and I was completely surprised and delighted. I love the absurd, tongue-in-cheek humor, and the way you write it so seriously. There are so many comedic twists that had me dying of laughter. For example, where you said “if you are a vegan use human intestines to create your hell portal”. I love that. I also love the way you say “wholemeal bread very stale minimal mould”. That’s hysterical to me, because you shouldn’t eat bread if there is any mold. There’s no such thing as “minimal mould”, and yet, in your piece, there is.
The one suggestion I would make is just to shorten and condense your piece. There are a lot of funny moments and hilarious instructions, but there are just so many of them that it overwhelms the reader. I would suggest choosing the best five or ten jokes, and scratching all the rest.
Overall, though, great work. This was absolutely ridiculous and I loved it. I look forward to reading more of your writing :)




brotherGeo says...


Cheers mate!



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Sat Jun 06, 2020 8:37 am
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mememimer wrote a review...



Hi, I'm here to review the recipe because I'm utterly dissatisfied xD

First of all, you have a great sense of humour. I enjoyed each and every step of the procedure. The sarcasm is on point. I like the use of superscript TM, it defines well and is quite accurate.

God! The third step is good. (lmao) Maybe bribe the toaster with more electricity? (hmm...)

"....if toaster has gown emotionally attached to the toast, find a police issue baton to beat the toaster into submission. If toaster is white ask politely for it to comply."
The line above is my favourite one. Good play on words.

Well, on a serious note, you omitted 'Procedure' before explaining the steps.

"Surgically remove stale bread from back of cupboard." I feel there's a need to add a comma after 'Surgically' and 'the' before 'cupboard'.

Apart from this, I enjoyed thoroughly!

p.s. I would definitely try making this toast for breakfast (for the family of my husband when I'll be getting married to a person against my wish lol)

Good luck and keep writing!

Best wishes,
I




brotherGeo says...


Thanks for the review comrade!




"Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein