Published January 27, 2011
I watched him disappear with a final wave of his hand and a faint flicker of his smile.
I watched the love of my life leave me without a tear shed on his part.
I stood there, silently begging him to come back, but all I could do was stare as I screamed inside.
I felt my heart break into pieces.
I heard my mind tell myself there is no physical way my heart could actually break.
But it did.
I heard my mind say he’s gone, while my heart screamed he couldn’t be, he couldn’t do this to me.
But he had.
I said my goodbyes and couldn’t help but die a little inside.
All I could do was hold myself together and walk away just as he had.
I silently screamed my agony, but I wouldn’t let the tears come.
No, not the tears.
No other man would make me cry again.
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140,925 Literary Works • 673,749 Reviews
Thanks everyone! And for the advice, thank you. I did change "say" to "heard" though, thank you again!
I really love your choice of words , how they're perfectly arranged to produce such a beautiful effect. It was so emotionally intense as you end with "No, not the tears. No other man would make me cry again. " this was the perfect touch . Great work !
I really like the way this poem is written. You can really tell that the emotion is there. I'm not usually one for long lines in poems, but in my opinion, this works well. I especially liked the contrast in line length in the second stanza. I have only a few minor possible suggestions.
Second stanza:
You repeat "I felt," which seems weird simply because you use it in the last line of the first stanza. Perhaps you could change "I felt" to "I heard." It would still make sense, and it wouldn't seem so repititious.
I heard my mind tell myself there is no physical way my heart could actually break.
But it did.
I heard my mind say he’s gone, while my heart screamed he couldn’t be, he couldn’t do this to me.
But he had.
Since you use the words "say" and "tell," I think "heard" is a better fit than "felt." That's just my opinion though.
Last Stanza:
"And all I could do was hold myself together and walk away just as he had."
I don't like the way the second line starts with "and." I think you could take it out and start the next line with "all."
Those are my only suggestions, but you can take them or leave them as you see fit for your poem.
Oh thank you, and I'm glad you could relate to it. It happened to me after the guy I really truly cared about decided to end it, we had to many people against us. So, Rome and Juliet is kinda going with this too, except we didn't kill ourselves to be together.
I read this piece and I completely related. You have so much emotion in this piece. I love the style you have. I like the long lines that you have here. I felt at some point's like the punctuation was off, but I always changed my mind so I'm not really sure.
As much as I like this I think that some different word choices could help your piece. You hear words like cry and agony alot so I would go for something more original. I don't feel you have to do this though because your piece in itself is different.
I really like this! Let me know when you write something else.
-Flow-