Published December 28, 2010
Woke up in this here bed and faced a chainsaw mounted shotgun sitting 6 feet from me in my grandma's favorite chair. Oh I tried to stare that shotgun down until it relapsed into the recesses of my mind but I just couldn't go back to sleep. My doctor prescribed some herbal medication to help this problem, that was 3 days ago...and 3 kills later, I am back to where I was before. I can't sleep I can't eat I can't even get high, because if I do, the drug keeps coming back, I know it'll help me sleep but it isn't worth it, the shotgun just keeps coming back. The first night, it didn't do a thing. The night after, I heard the safety clicking to the off position. And tonight...it fires.
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138,503 Literary Works • 672,144 Reviews
I really liked this! As a sufferer of insomnia, I can attest to everything that happened! Shotguns indeed!
Maybe you could do something about a guy who is literally driven insane by lack of sleep... or just isn't a morning person.
LOL just kidding
I totally dug how it was put together, in a totally stream-of-mind psychedelic way. If you're going to adapt this into a larger story, I would suggest this being one of the characters' major lines to show how crazy and messed up they are, or something along those lines; it totally sounds like something that an insane, shotgun-wielding maniac would say.
Keep writing
Oh! Hey!! I like this, this is cool! I really like this short story of yours it was well written, the only problem I had with it is that the first two of sentences are sort of confusing - revise them, maybe??
Keep writing,
Alzora
I did not really want to edit this piece, it was really written as an experiment for what I can come up with when I free-write (as in, writing whatever comes to mind without really stopping) so thus, much of it will not make sense yet. In fact, it is actually one of the more sensible of my free writes, and it has the potential to become a truly great story, I believe. So I hope you enjoy the final result!
Hey Bro!
I'm going to review this peice.
This confuses me. So, the grammar is mostly correct, but later on in the story you say nothing happened the first night, the safety clicks off the second, and then this night you die? But here you say that you died the other nights.
That's all I can do for now because I have to paint fish with moustaches on my mom's wall:) Happy writing, hope I can continue later!
GrenadeCatcher < 3
Ironically, this was never meant to be a preview, I was simply writing whatever came to mind. But thank you, and I hope you do enjoy the full, improved version!
This was a great story for just a preview. I didn't think someone could put great writing into little words but you did it, so I applaude you for that. Sorry I couldn't be of much help ):
-lilgreendots <3
Ziggiefred, thank you very much. I appreciate the kind words.
Master Yoda, also thank you very much, not just for your ending kind words, but for the advice. What I wrote can be thought of as a preview; I will surely expand it into an actual story, and I will take your advice when I do.
Thank you both once again.
Hey Bro,
You have a story with great potential here. It has the potential for terrifying horror that might shake even Chuck Norris's boots. Well not Chuck Norris, but almost everyone else. Still, you need to learn how to capitalize on that potential and actually pull it off. To be perfectly honest, I didn't find the story particularly suspenseful. Especially in horror, tension heights are vital. The topic for this review is therefore going to focus around building tension.
Let's take the scenario and analyze it. A person wakes up every night with the delusion of a shotgun about to kill him. He watches it kill him every night. Now that is kind of bland, isn't it? We need to take the idea and turn it into a story of great horror. Perhaps if he woke up every night to see the shotgun, but it didn't kill him, we would fear that it would kill him. Worse, imagine if everyone told him it was his mind but he was convinced it was real. Then we would be waiting for the shotgun he thought as real to fire. We would be unsure whether he would survive, and most importantly, our hearts might even race.
The idea of tension is mostly dependent on stake and anticipation. The higher the stake and the greater we anticipate failure, the greater the tension will be. Instead of making the stake his sleep, make it his life. His very sanity. How about the dilemma, if he's sane, he may lose his life, if he doesn't lose his life he's insane. Neither of these are particularly desirable outcomes. This would raise the tension levels ten-fold.
The question then turns to anticipation. How do you raise anticipation levels? The answer to this is actually rather simple: Build us up to an expectation. Day one, he sees the gun holstered in a dark stranger's belt or something like that. Day two, it's drawn. Day three, it's loaded. Day four, it's aimed. Day Five it's fired. Focus on each day. Show us his fear. You have space, so work us up and play with our emotions.
Whether you choose to tell us whether he's hallucinating is up to you, although I advise it. Perhaps he doesn't die, but the guy shoots a demon in his bed. You have classified this as fantasy fiction after all. Still, if you choose to leave it as a mystery that's fine. The main necessity is to make the ride as thrilling as it can possibly be.
Vivid description and a focus on scenes will draw us far more into your story. Narration will not grip us as much as dialogue or emotion. Show us the picture and let it envelope us. This will also up our anticipation and tension levels.
You have a scene here, you don't have a story yet. You are a very good writer, but if you write a story, it will give all your writing context, and make it all worth it.
I am confident that if you have the will to turn this into an epic, you will be able to. Up the stake, draw out the anticipation by building up and getting more into the story itself. I hope I've been of use.
Keep well!
Yoda
Hello there bro, and welcome to YWS!
I really loved this a lot. I liked how everything is just going in circles. I also commend you for saying a lot in just a little paragraph. This had a lot of depth and emotion to the point where I was in there myself, empathising with the narrator. I won't say much because I don't have any nit picks or negative comments. Good job.
Keep writing and good luck!