It was almost midnight,And Brittyn still layed wide awake in bed listening to the rain hit her window. She was wondering if it was raining in victopia. Victopia was Brittyn's world she had created one day in school during homeroom. It was an almost perfect world. There were fairies, mermaids, angels, a god and just anything else you could imagine. There were so many times a week that Brittyn wished she could really live in Victopia, beacause she was tired of her life feeling like she didnt fit in with anyone or anywhere, but she knew that Victopia was only real in her mind. Yet she still tried to have hope that somewhere in this world Victopoia existed. Well Brittyn thought I really need to get to sleep I do have school tomorrow another awful day of school. Then Brittyn closed her eyes went to sleep, and dreamed of victopia, and how wonderful it was she dreamed she was there with aleena fairy godess of water, and Brittyn was the fairy godess of land. That morning when Brittyn woke up she took a big sigh in knowing her dream was only a dream, and now it was over. So she got ready, and started out the door at 7:15 as she always did. Brittyn was just about to reach the school when she thought you know what im not going to school today theres just no way I could make it through another day of feeling dumb in algebra feeling ugly in the hallways compared to the other girls being scared to have to sit alone at lunch and getting picked on by the bullies theres just no way so she turned around, and ran to the woods were she went to get away from all the stuff that was bothering her. She was headed to the usual tree she sat under to draw when she heard a giggle it sounded like a little girl. Hello whose there Brittyn said shyly. Over here Brittyn heard from behind her. So Brittyn turned around, and followed the voice. She followed the voice for about five minutes when it stopped, it stopped right as she came up to an enormous tree with a bighole in the center. Brittyn heard the giggle again it was coming from inside the tree so she climbed up to where the hole was, and looked over into the hole as she did she lost her balance, and fell in. When Brittyn finally hit the bottom of the tree she opened her eyes to something she couldnt believe. This can't be real she thought, but it was real She was there in Victopia. There it was King zambias palace. The mermaids lagoon. The fields where the unicorns ran. And the garden Where the fairies lived. It was like a dream come true to Brittyn she was in Victopia, and not only that but she soon realized she was a fairy.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well....before we get too far into things I'll start out by saying that this formatting is kind of in desperate need of a bit of an overhaul here. There's just so much information being given out to us and its all just a little bit too much to be stuffing into just the one paragraph. There is certainly enough things going on here for not just one chapter but nearly two and having it all rushed together in just this one post is not helping this story out at all.
Okayy moving past that little issue into the meat of this story here, we've got something pretty exciting going on here. I don't believe I've run into anything of quite this nature before or at least not one done in quite such a simple way. This story just seems so oddly pure somehow as it just seems to be this wonderful moment of a person's imagination coming to life in the best possible way.
Its a simple feel good sort of piece and I think you manage to capture these moments quite beautifully here. If you just split this up as appropriate and get things a bit more streamlined, this could really work out quite well I think for a first chapter.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I really like the concept of this story. However, I'm not quite sure of what the conflict is. Are you going to elaborate more on the conflict in a later chapter? At the end of Chapter 1 you could give a hint of what the conflict might be. Is she going to try to get back home? Does she for some reason need to get to the palace? So, just a hint at the end would help.
Another thing: You could use more description of Victopia to draw the reader in. I find it hard to really picture Victopia as described right now. Is the tree that she falls into old and gnarled, or just really huge? Do the hills rise high and lush around the palace? That sort of description.
Anyway, I enjoyed reading this! Keep writing.
Hi I'm Layla.!! I'm just going to point out avfew things of my knowledge and others can finish for me.
you forgot to capitalize the v in Victopia.
I'm just going to rewrite this whole thing for you.
Well,Brittyn thought,I really need to get to sleep. I have another awful day of school tomorrow.
You don't really need this but okay.
comma after eyes and capitalize the v in Victopia.
comma after up.
I'm just going to rewrite this part for you too.
Brittyn was about to reach the school yard when she turned around, and ran to the woods to get away from everything. She just couldnt go to school today, with everything being the way it is.
you have the wrong kind of whose. in this sentence it's going to be who's instead of whose.
Imma help you with this one too.
"Hello? Who's there?" Brittyn said shyly. I'm not sure if there's a comma before Brittyn.
Big hole is two words. Before the comma could just be one sentence and the second pasty could be another.
this is way too long. This could be made into about three different sentences.
Put a comma after 'again' and a period after 'tree'. Thennput a period after 'hole'
So all you need to do is make your corrections and you you will get somewhere. PM me for any questions. Remember to review other peoples work so you'll get reviews also.!!
<3;
Layla
I like the idea but grammar and spacing needs alot of work. I hate doing the grammar fixing thing, soI'll leave that to someone else
But I like the idea. Why does she wish Victopia exists? Not many friends at school? A bad home? Just bored? Give us more to work with. But all in all Good job for a first draft! 