Published November 12, 2011
Brittani
I really love my him that is what I know. I have loved him since we were in 8th grade, ever since we had history together. I knew I could never have him because he was too popular and I was the quite smart girl with glasses and braces. But I knew from the first day he talked to me that I loved him...
I watched him put on his shirt and pull up his pants; he gave me a cold glare before announcing that he was leaving. "Drive safe," its all I ever said to him before he left all his response was him rolling his eyes and saying "I know." I watched him leave like I always do. I waited till I heard the door shut before I rolled over in my bed pulling my lavender covers over me, thinking about how we meet. I slowly started to smile at my self just thinking about the old me, the person I was before I meet him...
"Hey um Brittani is that right? I was wondering if you have a pencil." He said to me as his cerulean eyes staring at me filled with joy. "Yeah, um hear you go." I said in a hushed tone as I scrambled to get him a pencil form the clutter of my bag. "Thank you, I really like the color on you braces, what color is it?" He asked me while he pulled some white hair off of his jet black jacket. "Lavender, it’s my favorite color." I said as I had a goofy grin on my face. "It looks really good on you; you need to wear it more." He said while he smiled at me, ever since that day I had a crush on him.
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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Alright, looks like a bit of the old love at first sight situation also with the whole popular person versus the shy smart one situation, so well, not exactly the most unique of storylines there, this is something that has been done so many times...but well it is always quite fun to read...so well let's see how you've managed to give your take on things here.
OKay...now I have no idea if this is still referring to the person in the picture earlier, cause this looks to be somewhat like a bit of a toxic relationship there from that whole cold glare...situation, although there is a bit of a strange contrast in how the girl appears to be quite happy with what just happened...well this was an intriguing scene...also raising a red flags, especially with the line about how much this girl had to change.
Okay...so know it looks to be clearly talking about the earlier, and this is a relatively cute little scene...I'd definitely love to read something like this...but that middle scene just seems wayy too ominous for me...and this guy's charming personality here just makes me worry its all an act...a very interesting series of scenes that you've brought across here...I'm not sure what the main message is...but well this is how I see it.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
No I don't think your review helped at all in fact it just pissed me off. I know what im doing with my story and I do not need someone writing things that I do not need and taking away things they do not like. You may call it cliche but in later chapters you will figure out why I put it that way. By the way the reason why I added tags to what people say is because people can be morons and get it confused.
I have a couple further stylistic comments, both regarding your approach to dialogue.
1. Why do you feel the need to attach speech tags to everything anyone says? When there're only two people talking, you can leave it to the reader to deduce who is speaking.
2. Nearly every piece of dialogue is followed by a speech tag (always a boring "said" or "asked," to make matters worse) and then "while" or "as." Try being more creative with how you handle dialogue and blocking.
Okay, so why would a popular guy like a an unpopular nerd girl? Not only is this inconsistent with everyday social tendencies, but a popular guy would have much more desirable alternatives. While cliché may dictate the contrary, this is the unalterable truth of the matter.
Hope this helped.
-Kafka