Published January 27, 2005
Sometimes I hate
These feelings inside
It feels like
Something is burning
Coming from
Nowhere I know
But maybe
I can stop it but how
I wish these
Feelings would go
Away
I wish I could stay
In my own
Little world
That I’ve created
All on my own
The walls are high
I’ve built them so
I wish not to
Hurt you or them
Water wells
Feelings well
Thoughts dwell
Nothing’s swell
Then I remember
This life I have
I have only once
To live I must live it
It burns, it rips
It tears, it trips
Me up
On the ground
This life that
Is my life
It is mine to live
I may not understand
But who does
When things are
Bad I can escape to
My own little world
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141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
I thought that this was too much. Perhaps "Sometimes I hate these burning feelings inside" and add two different lines..
You might want to change nowhere i know to somewhere unknown to me. The last line doesn't really flow...
Instead of but how, do somehow..,
It was repetitive... Own was used twice and was ineffective.
This didn't flow. Maybe 'I wish not to hurt anyone, not you or them.
Just get rid of that stanza altogether. The rhyming is way to forced!
You lost me here. Change the last line to 'to live it'
Get rid of the whole stanza.
Maybe:
This life that
Is mine
Mine to live
Although I may not understand.
Don't rhyme. It sounds so forced. Good rhyming poetry is really hard to write. Not don't take all this the wrong way. I really liked it. I would love to see more of your writing. Good job, it was simple and sweet!
I really like this poem actually I donno just seemed to get to the point well written I mean yeah obviously every poem could be better.
But other wise I think its a averagely good poem to be fair it doesnt make me go 'WOW' but its a poem which I chan throughly enjoy reading any time well done
wu x
i thought this poem was good although it did sound like song lyrics to me, whether that makes sense or not lol. i dont know what type of reaction you were trying to get from the audience but i guess it was positive one....right. I guess i didnt feel that much for the poem as i wanted to, although this was a good attempt, i liked this though. Keep up the good work please.
Really, you should consider taking this out. I mean, it doesn't really fit with the poem that well.
This also sounded a lot like a song...a really good song, especially before the "it burns, it rips" part which totally messed up the rhythym...but yeah, you should probably just take that out...
talk about something more specific. there's nothing individual or defining in it. but do make it too specific so that no one will connect to it. there needs to be a balance you have to find.
Thanks for your crits guys.
I wrote this poem when I was feeling a little depressed, so I'm surprised you thought it was cute Misty, but that's cool! Different interpretations, I guess. Oh, and convinto, how could I make it less general, or hold your attention?
it was too general in my opinion and didn't really hold my attention.
I thought this poem was really cute, and I like it. Honestly, the rhyming did seem forced, but all of my poem's from when I was fourteen were like that too. It had a really sweet sort of innocence about it, and you were so straitforward with your feelings, it made me almost feel them.
Sometimes I hate
These feelings inside
It feels like
Something is burning *This part is pretty raw, it's just like, exactly how you feel, no elaboration, just how it is. I really like that.*
Coming from
Nowhere I know
But maybe
I can stop it but how *this is cute, it shows how those feelings come from almost out of nowhere, I know how that is. However, I would revise it a little. Here's what I would do:
Coming from
Nowhere, I know
Maybe I can stop it
but how? *
Overall, I think this poem is great.