Sometimes I hate
These feelings inside
It feels like
Something is burning
I thought that this was too much. Perhaps "Sometimes I hate these burning feelings inside" and add two different lines..
Coming from
Nowhere I know
But maybe
I can stop it but how
You might want to change nowhere i know to somewhere unknown to me. The last line doesn't really flow...
Instead of but how, do somehow..,
In my own
Little world
That I’ve created
All on my own
It was repetitive... Own was used twice and was ineffective.
I wish not to
Hurt you or them
This didn't flow. Maybe 'I wish not to hurt anyone, not you or them.
Water wells
Feelings well
Thoughts dwell
Nothing’s swell
Just get rid of that stanza altogether. The rhyming is way to forced!
Then I remember
This life I have
I have only once
To live I must live it
You lost me here. Change the last line to 'to live it'
It burns, it rips
It tears, it trips
Me up
On the ground
Get rid of the whole stanza.
This life that
Is my life
It is mine to live
I may not understand
Maybe:
This life that
Is mine
Mine to live
Although I may not understand.
Don't rhyme. It sounds so forced. Good rhyming poetry is really hard to write. Not don't take all this the wrong way. I really liked it. I would love to see more of your writing. Good job, it was simple and sweet!
Points: 890
Reviews: 162
Donate