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My Own Little World

by britlitfantw


Sometimes I hate
These feelings inside
It feels like
Something is burning

Coming from
Nowhere I know
But maybe
I can stop it but how

I wish these
Feelings would go
Away
I wish I could stay

In my own
Little world
That I’ve created
All on my own

The walls are high
I’ve built them so
I wish not to
Hurt you or them

Water wells
Feelings well
Thoughts dwell
Nothing’s swell

Then I remember
This life I have
I have only once
To live I must live it

It burns, it rips
It tears, it trips
Me up
On the ground

This life that
Is my life
It is mine to live
I may not understand

But who does
When things are
Bad I can escape to
My own little world


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Wed Feb 02, 2005 3:44 am
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nickelpickle wrote a review...



Sometimes I hate
These feelings inside
It feels like
Something is burning


I thought that this was too much. Perhaps "Sometimes I hate these burning feelings inside" and add two different lines..

Coming from
Nowhere I know
But maybe
I can stop it but how


You might want to change nowhere i know to somewhere unknown to me. The last line doesn't really flow...
Instead of but how, do somehow..,

In my own
Little world
That I’ve created
All on my own


It was repetitive... Own was used twice and was ineffective.

I wish not to
Hurt you or them


This didn't flow. Maybe 'I wish not to hurt anyone, not you or them.


Water wells
Feelings well
Thoughts dwell
Nothing’s swell


Just get rid of that stanza altogether. The rhyming is way to forced!


Then I remember
This life I have
I have only once
To live I must live it


You lost me here. Change the last line to 'to live it'

It burns, it rips
It tears, it trips
Me up
On the ground


Get rid of the whole stanza.

This life that
Is my life
It is mine to live
I may not understand


Maybe:
This life that
Is mine
Mine to live
Although I may not understand.

Don't rhyme. It sounds so forced. Good rhyming poetry is really hard to write. Not don't take all this the wrong way. I really liked it. I would love to see more of your writing. Good job, it was simple and sweet!




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Sun Jan 30, 2005 1:33 pm
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Wulie wrote a review...



I really like this poem actually I donno just seemed to get to the point well written I mean yeah obviously every poem could be better.

Water wells
Feelings well { I didn't like this line AT all it I donno kinda took me out of the 'trance' of the poem maybe you could change it I guess I didn't like it because you had tried to ryhme it...}
Thoughts dwell
Nothing’s swell


But other wise I think its a averagely good poem to be fair it doesnt make me go 'WOW' but its a poem which I chan throughly enjoy reading any time well done
wu x




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Sun Jan 30, 2005 12:33 pm
AstrangedbeaR wrote a review...



i thought this poem was good although it did sound like song lyrics to me, whether that makes sense or not lol. i dont know what type of reaction you were trying to get from the audience but i guess it was positive one....right. I guess i didnt feel that much for the poem as i wanted to, although this was a good attempt, i liked this though. Keep up the good work please. :)




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Sat Jan 29, 2005 11:37 pm
Chevy wrote a review...



It burns, it rips
It tears, it trips
Me up
On the ground

Really, you should consider taking this out. I mean, it doesn't really fit with the poem that well.

This also sounded a lot like a song...a really good song, especially before the "it burns, it rips" part which totally messed up the rhythym...but yeah, you should probably just take that out...




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Sat Jan 29, 2005 2:38 am
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convintojm says...



talk about something more specific. there's nothing individual or defining in it. but do make it too specific so that no one will connect to it. there needs to be a balance you have to find.




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Fri Jan 28, 2005 2:47 am
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britlitfantw says...



Thanks for your crits guys. :) I wrote this poem when I was feeling a little depressed, so I'm surprised you thought it was cute Misty, but that's cool! Different interpretations, I guess. Oh, and convinto, how could I make it less general, or hold your attention?




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Fri Jan 28, 2005 1:14 am
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convintojm says...



it was too general in my opinion and didn't really hold my attention.




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Thu Jan 27, 2005 4:51 pm
Misty wrote a review...



I thought this poem was really cute, and I like it. Honestly, the rhyming did seem forced, but all of my poem's from when I was fourteen were like that too. It had a really sweet sort of innocence about it, and you were so straitforward with your feelings, it made me almost feel them.

Sometimes I hate
These feelings inside
It feels like
Something is burning *This part is pretty raw, it's just like, exactly how you feel, no elaboration, just how it is. I really like that.*


Coming from
Nowhere I know
But maybe
I can stop it but how *this is cute, it shows how those feelings come from almost out of nowhere, I know how that is. However, I would revise it a little. Here's what I would do:

Coming from
Nowhere, I know
Maybe I can stop it
but how? *



Overall, I think this poem is great. :D





Some books should be tasted, some devoured, but only a few should be chewed and digested thoroughly.
— Francis Bacon