Published June 6, 2005
Bending the truth
So you make me
Feel like there’s
Nothing I can do
You make me feel
At fault, as though
It’s all my doing
And it just isn’t fair
My life isn’t a book
You can open at will
The pages are stained
And the words are a pain
To have life is to
Care, to care is to
Have compassion, to
do this is to live
It doesn’t take much
To make an effort
For someone who cares
But not anymore
Family ties are all
That’s left, the love of
A parent and child
Is scraped to the roots
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Hey there.
I think your main issue is with identifying the big idea in the title but not executing it until the very end. That's something that happens in a lot of poems and that's why it's often a better idea to go with a more general title, than to keep the wrap up until the very end. There's the side where this might be suspense building but that only works if you have something at the end, and this poem doesn't have a giant conclusion. It's not horrible but it's not magnificent either, following in the same mood of the rest of the poem. So consider ditching that.
It may sound a bit cruel when I say it, but for all that effort is talked about in the poem, there doesn't seem to be much going into the poem. The narrator wants to move their audience, which is someone in a family relationship most likely, and I don't think the current status is enough to move whatever audience might be viewing it. The presentation is depending a lot upon the emotion felt by the people on the other side of the table and I'm not feeling it. Though I am not the most emotional person, I do know how to read words and I can tell from the choices, that the phrases are unlikely to trigger an emotional response.
And then the next thing that bothers me is the capitalization and the lack of punctuation, which is something I always save for the end. That's because I talk way too much about it and I recognize this commentary isn't always helpful to the write, whenever they are stuck within their style. No matter what it is that you choose to do with the capital letters starting the lines, please recognize that you need punctuation on some level.
That's all I've got for now.
Happy revmo.
- lizz
Last stanza is good, yep. You probably need to think about line breaks a bit more, try to end a line with a noun or something, makes it read better. Also, try to avoid teenager-ish cliches like "It's not fair" etc. It just loses its seriousness with those sort of phrases. Overall, not bad.
The lines were a bit choppy, but I liked the poem itself, especially the last stanza.