Published November 25, 2013
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
This might be the last, or maybe the first time I felt like this. Music flows through my mind, and rhythms appear every time. My love for you hasn’t died, but my dreams of becoming a star, runs away every time. The name of the A…..”
“Alexandria! Get your stupid, ungrateful ass up. Are you dreaming again? Don’t you know dreams are not going to get you anywhere? Damn, got this baby crying a shit, when I’m trying to sleep. When are you going to take some responabilties around here? Huh, I should’ve got an abortion with your dumb ass. Hell. Since, you think you grown; get the hell out my house. Got me going crazy trying to work and get food stamps; your lazy ass dealing with school work. I hate to break it to you, but you’re not that smart. Having sex at seven-ten, and pregnant again. Main, get your worthless self out of here.”
My mother screamed at me. She doesn’t want anything to do with me; all she wants is her welfare money that she gets from the people. I don’t know what their names are. I’m probably too stupid to remember everything. I just don’t have it in me no more. My heart feels like it snuck into my chest, Sometimes I have a feeling that I shouldn’t be here. My mother shoved me to get out the door; stumbling at my feet just to stand still, as I grabbed Anna’s hand to pull her up on my hip, she refused and ran to the back of the couch. The face she gave me was harsh, have you ever had a child to look at you so cruel. I couldn’t tell you how much it hurt me, but it hurts a lot knowing she doesn’t love me. I hate the way she looked at me, like I was nothing to her just some pieces of trash.
"Did you leave the apartment?" the lady ask.
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139,209 Literary Works • 672,509 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, that was a pretty interesting opening there, we've got some music happening and it almost has a bit of a dreamlike feel to that with the whole flow that we're seeing here with things seemingly appearing and disappearing as the paragraph flows...and then of course there's the abrupt cutoff there in the middle of a sentence...so, that's definitely makes for an interesting end to that first paragraph. A pretty solid start you've got right here.
First of all, that was a very expositional scolding, I feel like that was wayy to much detail to include in that, halfway through the passage you kind of lose the sense that this is a scolding and it just barely seems to be the same person talking, you should probably shorten that a bit more to make things smoother and introduce those facts in another way. Other than that though, a powerful start there with someone being more than a little mad at the protagonist here and it does look like that earlier bit was in fact some form of dream here.
Well, that last line was extra mysterious cause really can't tell exactly what that is referring to...but on the other hand, we've got a pretty good look at what this person thinks of the mother that currently yelled at them with all of that. Its easy to see that there is no love lost between these two people at all here...and well, its an interesting start you've got here, very clearly establishing what looks to be a pretty bad situation here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey brielle! Silver here to review your story!
I have to say that I really liked your beginning. I liked the way you started with her daydreaming followed by getting snapped out of it by her screaming mother. It was very catching and hooked me in until I reached the second paragraph. There I felt that everything became rushed and confusing. I'm assuming that this is meant to be a chapter, if so then it should be much longer. Alexandria seems to have alot on her plate and you need to reLy that to the reader in a way that makes sense. I really like what you have here. This is the essence of something thats great. I think that this is very promising and has alot of potential. Happy writing!
Silverlock
Thank you .
Hello Hsarver here to review this piece of literature. I am a bit confused about it all really to be honest, it starts with her thinking to herself, or maybe her talking to that lady at the end I am really not sure. Though moving on. So you start right off the bat with Alexandria being yelled at, which in my opinion was a good idea it gets people interested to read the rest. Although, after reading all of that I expected to see a story start unfolding and maybe some background history on her mom and her, but it just ended right there with her being yelled at and her thoughts to herself. Then I think what really confused me was the random lady who asked, "Did you leave the apartment?". I guess this could be a good introduction if this were to be a book or novel, but I think you should have added more to this because I am bit lost on what is happening. Although, the writing here was good, and the way you described the scene was good, it just didn't make sense to me. But keep writing!