Hi guys, for my English Language coursework I had to write any piece of creative writing of my choice - so I decided to write a short story! It is about a young couple who go on a date to a place called Moonlight Creek. The format of the story is that it is split into paragraphs which alternate from the boy's perspective (blue text) and the girl's perspective (black text). I hope you enjoy it and please feel free to leave any suggestions/corrections!
Moonlight Creek
Hartville, Missouri, USA
The hours passed by slowly. I wanted tonight to be over and done with but I knew I had to keep her waiting; just so she’d be at her utmost state of intrigue when I arrived. I packed my bags with essentials: phone, keys, jacket, and gloves. And off I went.
Tossing and turning restlessly, I could feel the sleeplessness consuming me as I looked reluctantly at the tedious ticking clock beside me. 01:48 am. I lay on my stomach and buried my face in my pillow. Where is he? Those three little words continuously echoed in my mind. Suddenly, it was as if my whole room lit up as I heard the long-awaited sound of a car pulling up outside my house. My feelings of affliction turned to tingling excitement. My palms became moist, my eyes became wide, my heart became frantic and a huge smile spread across my face as I ran to the window. I looked straight at him: my destiny.
As she came out of the door, I fixed my hair. She looked pretty hot I guess; nothing I hadn’t seen before. I faked a smile and walked towards her. She was pretty happy to see me for some reason. I didn’t understand why. I greeted her with a long kiss. She seemed to love it, but I felt nothing.
He wrapped his muscular arms around my waist and kissed me passionately. In his embrace, all I felt was euphoria and enchantment. We stopped to breathe and before I could say anything, his lips were on mine again. Which I didn’t mind, considering I was speechless anyway.
“Where do you want to go?” I asked her. “Surprise me” she replied, whilst batting her eyelashes and nudging me playfully. I couldn’t give a damn where we went, to be honest. It’ll be the same old thing: holding her hand and making up some crap about loving her.
He offered to take me to Moonlight Creek, and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. What a gentleman! It was about an hour southbound out of town. Although I’d gladly go anywhere with him, I’m especially excited about spending a romantic night by the sparkling water with Fraser by my side. We climbed into his black Land Rover and the engine revved. As the car came to life, so did I.
We were on our way. I wasn’t really in the mood for driving with Jenny mouthing off about how good I look behind the steering wheel. Tell me something I don’t know. Thankfully, my phone rings. I tell her it’s my grandmother calling from England. She seems twice as attracted to me after I tell her this. In actual fact, that was Leanne. She’s even more attractive than Jenny and even more clueless.
The journey was everything a girl could ever want: singing along to your favourite songs on the radio, not having to care about anything else in the world, and of course; being with the boy you love the most. He’s so caring and full of love, checking up on his grandmother whilst taking care of me. A I kept my window slightly open so I could feel the midnight breeze against my face; just to remind myself that this was all real. Arriving at Moonlight Creek, I knew this is where the adventure truly began. The leaves of an evergreen willow tree were draped across the clear, sapphire water. The moon and stars were reflected perfectly on the creek; but I knew they could never shine as brightly as the boy in front of me.
We had arrived. Finally, I thought to myself. The full moon made her face stand out. She was smitten; I could see it in her eyes. I sat down on the grass and beckoned her to sit beside me. She eagerly perched herself by my side. Her eyes grew wider as she leaned towards me. I took her face in my hands and gave her all I had. Well, tried at least. I wanted to make this special for the both of us.
The freshly cut grass was illuminated like a field of emeralds in the moonlight. I whispered words of promise into his ears and kissed his cheek softly. Before I knew it, his lips were pressed against mine. He lifted me by my waist and positioned me so that his body was between my knees. Our hands and hearts were entwined.
It was almost time.
I don’t know what exactly this feeling is. Maybe it’s the fact that he takes all my worries away. Maybe it’s because I can be myself around him and know he has no problem with who I am. Or maybe it’s because I am hopelessly, unconditionally, and phantasmagorically in love with him. In fact, the feeling became so strong, that I started to feel nothing at all except his touch.
My hands around her neck felt so satisfying, and so… fitting. My smile grew wider as my grasp grew tighter. The moment I had been waiting for, it had finally arrived. And I could not have asked for anything better. Her lifeless body looked so beautiful. I carried her body carefully to the welcoming water. I lay her down and plucked some daisies from the grass. I positioned her arms so they were in a cross formation on her chest. I put a few daisies under each hand and set her body free. As I watched her body flow with the water, it made me content that she was now in a better place. Amongst all my happiness, my phone buzzed wildly in my pocket. It was Leanne. “Hey gorgeous” I greeted her. “You wanna go to Moonlight Creek tonight?” I offered confidently. She squealed approvingly down the line. I looked at Jenny one last time and bid her farewell as I walked back towards my car. Here we go again.
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The transitions that occur are different from other stories, to say the least, but it is very nice and almost artistic in the way you do it. I loved it from the start, until the murder. Then I was like 'What?'. A plot twist which is very, very sudden and startling. So this boy's a serial killer murdering his dates? I hope I never meet someone like that. Ever. But still a good story. The way you wrote the emotions and feelings was very nice, very nice.
Wow, the way you break up the two separate thought strings is brilliant. Very, very good. It flows well and makes a lot of sense.
Being the "romance" that it is, it instantly grabs the reader's instincts and starts drawing them in. I was. I love that the pace continues to speed up.
"It was almost time.
Or maybe it’s because I am hopelessly, unconditionally, and phantasmagorically in love with him. In fact, the feeling became so strong, that I started to feel nothing at all except his touch.
My hands around her neck felt so satisfying, and so… fitting."
I was almost wondering if it was time to put up the filter. Maybe you didn't label it right?
Then he kills her......
I was stunned, to say the least! All of a sudden I hate this guy, but then...they way you write it doesn't paint him as they bad guy. It seems like he believes he's doing the right thing. And then it's over.
I was pleasantly surprised with the quality of this short, and would love to read more.
Thank you breakingb4d!
Wow thanks so much for this review! I really appreciate your feedback and it has really encouraged me to continue writing! Thanks a lot AEChronicle!!
Messenger here for ya! Wow!
That was amazing. The transitioning between the two characters really improved the story. I figured all along what was going to happen, but I would really like if you had more reason behind it. OK so he wants to kill her. Why? Is he just crazy? Even crazy people generally have a messed up reason for why they are killing.
Now, I loved how well you set the two characters apart. Jenny is totally head-over-heels in love, so much that she is blind. But I agree with another review, that the guy seems flawless. Wouldn't he reveal something? But the main difference was how beautiful you described everything from the girl's perspective, and everything from the dude's was totally bored and just wanting to get it over with.
Overall a nice story. A chilling story. A creepy story. But very well described. I'd take a little more time describe the guy's reason.
Keep it up!
Hey Messenger! Thank you very much for this feedback, it is much appreciated! Yes I agree with you there, but the only reason I couldn't reveal further on the killer's back story is because this was a coursework piece for college and there was a 1000 word limit! But I will certainly keep it up
thanks again!
i saw the word limit part later. It makes sense. For it being so short I think you did well.
Oooooh, the ending gave me shivers. Very creepy, very well written. I wish it didn't have to be such a brief 1000 words, I would have adored more details. Reminded me of a modern day twist on the Poe style, which I applaud you on. Hard to compare to the great Poe!
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I think this is a very original piece, and I really liked the use of changing perspectives. You made me absolutely despise the guy right away, which I guess turned out to be right
Basically, just awesome. I would criticize you on lack of detail, but that obviously is just part of the limit.
Wow thanks so much!! This is incredibly flattering because Poe is my favourite writing of all time! I wish I could've written more and added a bunch of details! Word limits suck
thanks very much again and I am really glad you liked it! 
I love the gruesome turn the story took! I also like how we see both perspectives, from the ambivalent and haughty boy to the clueless and innocent girl. My only real critique is maybe to be a bit more descriptive at certain parts, just to set up more of a scene and a picture in someone's head. You may also want to work on developing your characters, they seem kind of similar. One last nitpick, it's good to try to write in present tense.
Overall, this was a great story. Short, sweet, and utterly disturbing.
Thank you very much for your feedback! I would have loved to write in more detail but this was actually part of my schoolwork; in which there was a 1000 word max. limit! Otherwise I would have made it a whole lot more descriptive. Thanks again!
I have to say I was surprised with the outcome with the story! My god it shocked me a lot, it was really creepy and unexpected, but it was done in a way I enjoyed reading.
I liked the changing thoughts between the boy and the girl throughout the story, but I had expected a different outcome. I had the idea that it was just the boy looking for a good time, while the girl thought it was true love, but I am so amazed by the actual ending.
This is not a negative view I will now say, but I don't really understand why he killed these girls like this. Is it just him thinking he's helping them in some way? I got confused but that boy seems to have a very disturbed life that's for sure.
I really enjoyed reading this, thank you for putting it up
Hi Jack! Thank you so much for the feedback, and yeah the reason he killed them is just because he has a messed up mind really! And he thinks he is doing them a favour I guess haha
and you're very welcome!
I can understand that aha
some people are just like that!
Wow - ultra creepy. I liked the different perspectives here and thought that aspect worked really well to get inside the heads of each character. I think maybe you could have introduced the names a bit sooner? Names are always good for the reader to relate to.
The different interpretations of events is so ironic, it almost becomes blackly humorous once we realise that Fraser is not genuine. Poor Jenny!
The events are pretty dreadful - could it all have taken place so easily so that he has time to start plotting another victim on the very same night? I found that a little hard to believe. Maybe you could change the time frame a little. Also, it's very late - I think that if you mention a specific time, you have to allow for time to kill/dispose of a body before planning to pick up another one. I mean, it would have been time for dawn by then, perhaps!
Other than the slight logistics problem, I thought you wrote this well. It just needs a little more work to make it completely credible and make the characters properly come to life for me. I hope that doesn't sound too negative. You have good insight into these two perspectives, so try not to over-simplify what is an extremely horrendous situation. Take your time to show it to us in all its awfulness - if that word even exists.
Fraser is very cold and conceited - would he be more convincing if he revealed a few doubts, a little chink in his armour, maybe? Jenny comes across as totally besotted with him, which works well, but you could add to the tension by maybe revealing some doubt towards the end - like, perhaps Fraser isn't responding quite like she's expecting, or something?
Anyway, just a couple of things to think about. Good luck with your work!
Hi Mina!
Thanks so much for the feedback! The only reason why it was pretty brief is because the work cannot go over 1000 words, so I had to keep it quite minimal! But I will definitely take what you said into consideration and change as much of it as possible!
Oh, I understand! Those pesky word limits.... Well, good luck anyhow. I hope you manage to nail it one way or the other!
Hi Mongoose here.
:O my face.
I did not expect that... at all. This was brilliant, I hung on your every word, even if i had to look phantasmagorically up on dictionary.com.
You know how to play on the readers mind with perfection, throughout the story I thought he was just going to cheat on her and that she was a hopeless girl waiting for her heart to be broken, not a murderer!
I can imagine you getting an A or A* just for this piece of your exam. Your dialogue is sparse but placed well, because you've got tons of monologue it works out alright.
You had one typo however,
A I kept my window slightly open so I could feel the midnight breeze against my face; just to remind myself that this was all real.
I think it would sound better if you removed the "A" and have :
I kept my window slightly open so I could feel the midnight breeze against my face; just to remind myself that this was all real.
Other than that I cant find a fault.
I especially love the use of alternating paragraphs, that style is one of my favorites, I use it myself only, alternating chapters and subsections. It's a great way to show more of the story between the characters in greater detail.
I also thought about how you'd introduced your descirption, that was really uite clever, I like how you use the girl's perspective to show her personality and include the description. wheereas the boy has no caring nor a hint of emotion.
Thank's for posting this, it needed to be shared further than the exam board!
Hi mongoose,
Thanks so much for this feedback! It has made me feel much better about my writing and I'm glad you enjoyed it! And thank you for finding the typo, I will fix it straightaway! Thanks very much again, and I look forward to reading your work sometime!
You're welcome and thanks:P