if you haven't read chapter 1 read that before you read this
Peter was awoken that night by the sobbing of my mum.
‘Mum what’s wrong he asked’ all she responded with was
They’re here.
‘Whose hear mum, whose making you upset’
‘No one you should worry about love, just go to bed if you hear any shouting outside just ignore it’. ‘Why mum, why should I just ignore it, they could be hurting you for all I know, mum please comeback up after you are finished what you’re doing mum’ ‘Im not sure if that’s going to be able to fulfill that promise for you Peter but just remember these 3 things’ As she was about to say the next words the men in the cars spoke from outside ‘Chalefs come out with your hands up or else we will have to use force’ Peters mum visibly shaken quickened up her instructions.
‘ so Peter one if I do not comeback read the letter that I have just placed apon your bedside table , two understand this , the world is not like what you think it is you may find out that the people who you think are the bad guys are really the good guys’.
‘Mr. and Mrs. Chalef we will give you to the count of five, one ….. two’ at that moment peter saw his father appear running down the stairs towards him and his mother, ‘Kristy it’s time to go out there say goodbye to Peter’. ‘Goodbye Peter I will hopefully see you soon son ‘. Mum Peter yelled out what was the 3rd thing you were going to tell me No matter what you here in the coming remember we always loved you and we’ve always wanted the best for you in life.
I love you too mum peter cried as they disappeared out into the front yard. The only reply he got was the bang of the door as it closed.
Peter obediently went back to his room, though he went to his window which he had left ajar to allow air to travel in. He sat by the window and craned his neck forward enough so he could just make out the voices that were talking to his parents outside
‘Julie, George come with us quietly and no one will get hurt’
‘Why should we believe you’?
‘You shouldn’t, but know this there is currently a sniper trained on you, if you lay down your weapons we can leave now quietly without any bloodshed’. ‘I can’t talk for George but I’ll lay down my weapon if you promise me one thing’ ‘and what would that be Kristy’ ‘leave Peter be, let him grow up as a normal kid without knowing what we did or who we were, can you do that for me’. ‘Yes okay I’ll do that for you’ ‘do you swear it’ ‘on what’ ‘on your health’ ‘Okay I swear on my health that I will let peter live’. ‘You better be telling the truth otherwise you’ll be cursed and you will die before the end of the week’. ‘Why would that happen Julie’ ‘that would happen because you just made a deal with a second grade 4th generation sorcerer’.
‘Damn Julie you win okay, George did you know your wife was a grade two sorcerer’.
‘No’ Peter’s dad lied ‘Okay then George you know what, we will let you back in the force if you pull the trigger then on your wife’ ‘But Ernie you know she was my wife why should it be me’ ‘Because if it isn’t you, I’ll have to take you back to face the death sentence for harboring a witch in your house you know this George so just do it already’.
Peter watched his dad in horror as he then pulled the trigger and ended the life of the one person in Peter’s life that mattered, his mum.
Peter stopped listening after that because he felt ill from what just happened. Had he been listening he would have been shocked by the conversation that went on afterwards.
‘Now what do we do with the kid George’ ‘we have to do what Julie say make sure he is left unhurt’ ‘will you continue to live in this house with him George’ ‘God no Ernie I don’t want to be anything were near that half blood filth ‘so what do we do with him’ take him to the nearest orphanage and tell him we both died and that after I killed Julie you backstabbed me and killed me as well, tell him you forced me to kill her and it wasn’t my fault’. ‘What he saw all that’ ‘yep I saw him after looking out of the window’ ‘Okay George your choice, im going in just make sure gone by the time I come out with the boy’ ‘okay sounds good Ernie’ ‘and George’ ‘what Ernie’ ‘welcome back to the force’.
1
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As with your previous chapter, you really need to proofread this. You refer to Peter's mom as "my mom," and misspell "Whose" and "Who's," as well as "hear" and here" in the opening paragraphs.
Grammar aside, I really do think you have a good story within here. The conflict you set up here is particularly interesting with Peter's dad killing his wife / Peter's mom. That's really, really interesting stuff, and it really grabs the reader's attention.
But a lot of the context is lost because the story is written in a very confusing manner. It's also very sudden. With a plot twist that big, you need to do some set up; for example, maybe a line somewhere where Peter's dad says something like, "I will do anything it takes to survive."
As you continue writing this, just take more time with carefully laying out the plot. Treat what you have here as a first draft, and then start adding more meat to it. Take time to describe the settings, the characters, and allow the plot to move at a slower pace. One good method for doing this is just to describe the expressions on the faces of the different characters. That'll give the reader more of a chance to describe everything you're laying out.
In any case, keep going with this! As I said, I think you have a good story within here.
Timmyjake here to give you a review!
First of all, your punctuation could use a little work. A typical sentence in this chapter is,
‘Mum what’s wrong he asked’ all she responded with was there here
Proper punctuation would be: "Mum, what's wrong? He asked. All she was responded with was, "They're here."
There's an example for you. Also, your readers(me) aren't going to understand what is going on! When you change from one character speaking to another, you should start a new paragraph. It kind of makes everything blend in better. And an occasional said would be good, too. I can tell in this that the boy's father just killed his mother, but I am unsure why... Perhaps making that clearer would be good.
Also, in a book, allow your character to think for himself. The reader will want to know what the character is thinking. Is he angry? Is he sad? Does he want to jump up and rip the throat out of the man who just shot his mother?
Your story line sounds like it is beginning to unfold, though! It sounds like a sad story about a boy who looses both his parents in one night. His father to evil and his mother to his father. A good plot so far. Very captivating! Post your next chapters soon!