Published January 7, 2013
Prologue
[14 Days Until The Battalion]
“Back off!” Arkai yelled. He shoved Harry back, causing him to stagger a metre away. “I still wonder what goes through your head sometimes.” Arkai pushed him again. They were outside his small neighborhood house within the capital city, standing in broad daylight on the sidewalk. Harry was just another eighteen year old unacquainted with Arkai, and merely a casual walker taking a morning stroll down the sidewalk. He stared at Arkai, laughing.
“What’s your problem?” Arkai asked coldly.
“I was just passing by,” Harry laughed. Arkai smiled, nodded and joined in with his laughter.
“Yeah, and you decided to take another peek inside my house. You know I haven’t changed anything since last time,” Arkai said.
“I just happened to glance in there; is it such a crime?” Harry stopped laughing but hadn’t yet wiped the cheesy grin off his face.
“It’s an invasion of privacy,” Arkai told him. Harry kept his eyes on Arkai and then looked back into the house. Arkai stepped forward and hooked the man in the face. Harry slouched over and stared at the ground, feeling his bruised face.
“You come back and I’ll break it,” Arkai warned as he left for his front door.
“What’s wrong with you?” Harry whined.
“Get out of here,” Arkai said. He opened the white freshly painted door and walked in, leaving the bright streetscape behind him.
“Arkai, was that necessary?” Ica asked when he got inside. She was standing behind the kitchen bench, drinking a glass of water. Arkai looked at her.
“That guy’s creeping me out,” he replied, taking a seat on the white couch.
Arkai and Ica had been together for just over a year and a half, though their relationship hadn’t progressed much since they moved in together a couple of months back.
“I doubt he’ll be bothering you anymore,” Ica told him. Arkai took a deep breath.
“That’s what I was aiming for,” he said. They were silent for a moment as Arkai stared at the black LCD TV screen.
“Something’s troubling you,” Ica said, placing her glass back on the petrified marble bench and staring at him.
“It’s nothing; I’m just... tense,” Arkai replied. Ica walked to him and kneeled down on the ground with her elbows up on the arm of the couch. Arkai looked at her.
“It’s all right,” Ica assured him.
“Ica, the Battalion killed Rogan.”
“No, the Chikagas did, and there was nothing that could’ve been done to save him,” Ica explained.
“Rogan was in his third year – he was still a recruit!” Arkai said. “Signing the letter to join the Battalion is like signing your own execution paper.”
“You’ll be all right,” Ica said. “I’ll be there,” Ica told him. Arkai nodded and scratched his short, dark brown hair.
“When do they need me?” he asked.
“Check the letter.” Arkai lifted himself up from the couch and walked slowly to the kitchen bench where the letter lay unfolded. He positioned the paper in his hands and scanned through the cursive handwritten text.
“I’ve got two weeks,” he announced. “Better make it worthwhile.”
“Relax, it’s not as bad as you’re making it out to be,” Ica said. Arkai threw the letter back down onto the bench and leaned against it.
“Three years of training, beginners stuff. Then we move onto the more advanced aspects of things,” he said.
“That’s right,” Ica said, standing up. “It’s not so bad when you break it down, and I’m sure everyone else is feeling the same as you right now. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
“I didn’t say I was afraid, just unsure,” Arkai replied. He walked and sat back down on the couch as Ica sat close beside him. “What influenced their decisions?”
Ica shrugged.
“I don’t know,” she replied. “Academic reports, physical reports... they obviously see something in you.” Arkai nodded.
“I’m sure I’m not the best out there,” he said.
“You’ve got to feel at least a tiny bit good about yourself. They picked you over all those other eighteen year olds,” Ica said.
“Ica, we’re tools. They use us to fight their battles.”
“No, the people need someone like you to protect them. If there were no soldiers, we would all die.” Arkai shrugged.
“Perhaps,” he said. “But the Chikagas could always overrun us first.”
“It won’t be like that,” Ica told him.
“I hope you’re right.”
On the other side of the capital city, in his neighborhood home similar to Arkai’s, Achom Rocks landed a nasty blow into his tired punching bag. It flew away from him and then came back hard. He hit it again as sweat flicked from his forehead onto the blue foam mat below.
“Careful, you’ll hurt yourself,” Chad told him. He was standing in the doorway of Achom’s bedroom, watching him. Achom hit the bag twice more and then turned to face his uncle.
“If I’m going to survive, I’ll need to train hard,” he puffed. Chad nodded and then walked out into the lounge room and picked up the TV remote that was lying on the couch. He aimed it at the black set top box that was beneath the large television screen and then switched it on. Almost immediately, the news sprang up in front of him.
"Another Chikaga sighting has been reported in the east side of the capital city," came the female news reporter.
"Another one," Chad groaned as he slumped down on the couch, taking the place of the remote control. Achom grabbed a towel from the wall rack and slung it around his neck before walking to the couch and staring at the screen.
"They don't stop," he announced. Chad looked up at him.
"You'll have a lot of work to do."
"I'm sure it'll be easy." Chad smiled.
"That's my boy," he said.
“I’m not your boy,” Achom reminded him. Chad’s smile faded to a weak grin.
“Fuck,” he said, looking back at the TV. He held his arm out towards Achom and asked, “Can you pass me my cigarettes?”
"No.”
"Come on, I’m stressed,” Chad said.
“What are you stressed about?” Achom asked as he headed off to the oakwood cupboard.
"Just get throw me the box, that’s all," Chad told him, still watching the news and reaching out his arm over his shoulder. Achom opened the cupboard and retrieved a bag of white bread. Then he closed it and said, “I’m pretty sure you threw them out because you wanted to quit.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Chad asked, finally looking and lowering his arm.
“You flushed them down the toilet with your shit,” Achom told him.
“All right,” Chad said, lying back and returning his attention to the TV. “Can you go fetch me another one? I’ll give you the cash.” He rummaged through the pockets in his grey tracksuit pants and retrieved the wallet. “Here,” he said, holding it towards Achom.
"What am I, your slave?" Achom asked, dropping the bag onto the bench and pulling out two slices of white bread.
After the wallet was left untouched in Chad’s sweaty hand, he threw it down onto the coffee table in front of him and whinged, "Come on, man, I'm dying here.”
"You will be dead if you keep sticking those things in your mouth," Achom told him. Chad sat up, stood up and then stretched out his arms, exposing mountains of hair. "Jesus," Achom cried.
"What?" Chad asked, open-eyed.
"Put it down! Jesus Christ!" He turned away as Chad threw his arms down to his side.
"It has to account for the both of us; you're too pussy to have any." He laughed and walked off down the hall. Achom nodded him off and then returned to his bread, which was soon to become a sandwich. The news reporter spoke again.
"A soldier who went missing last week is now presumed dead; this is the third fatality this week. Five are still missing, and our hearts go out to the families of those." Achom tried his best to ignore it. Worrying won't get him anywhere. He had to think positive. He returned the bag of bread to the cupboard and then walked to the fridge where he took out cold sliced chicken. Suddenly, he heard dog-like growls on the TV, quickly followed by screaming, and he had no choice but to turn it off.
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A few nitpicks: you switched tenses a few times in the same part,
I liked the idea a lot. Two soldiers fighting an unspeakable enemy, one who didn't want to fight, one who viewed it as an honor.
That being said, in the beginning, Arkai seemed to be flip-flopping. First he hated Harry, then he was laughing with him like they were best buds. First he knew Harry, then he didn't.
“I still wonder what goes through your head sometimes.” Arkai pushed him again. They were outside his small neighborhood house within the capital city, standing in broad daylight on the sidewalk. Harry was just another eighteen year old unacquainted with Arkai, and merely a casual walker taking a morning stroll down the sidewalk."
I got the impression that they knew each other, though, from the overall language, but it wasn't apparent why Harry was peeking into Arkai's house.
The dialogue between Arkai and Ica was very good, though. It seemed natural and gave hints to the world around them, while showing, not telling.
The second half was very good; no suggestions except nitpicking. I'm guessing whinged was supposed to be whined. The last line, "and he had no choice but to turn it off," gives the impression that Achom is bloody-thirsty and wants to hear the screams of the reporter, but had to turn it off due to the presence of Uncle Chad. From earlier in the paragraph, I gather that he isn't.
All in all, very good for a intro. I was intrigued by the mysterious enemy, the Chikaga.
Alright, I see that it's divided into chapters so here I am to review!
First off I see that this story is divided into the different sections, talking about two different people. So I shall review it one at a time.
For the first part, I liked the concept of the Battalion very much. Much like being forced to serve but treating it as an honor instead. I like it that Arkai seemed to have his own troubles with the Battalion given that a person he knew had died while in training. He seems to be the strong resilient type that has his own mindset and won't change it easily, and I like that quality about him. What I wanted to know more was who Harry was to Arkai. What was their relationship? I can see that Arkai is pretty pissed with Harry but for what reasons? Be specific.
The dialogue for the first part is pretty smooth, but if I were you I would split up the individual sentences to make things easier to read.
For the second part I don't get a clear idea of the setting at all. You need to describe describe and describe. The characters too were a blank. What did they look like? Give a clear description of their features.
Overall I feel that the pace of this story was too fast. Slow down a little and don't overload the reader with too much information all at once. Feed the information slowly and give the reader time to digest it. I do disagree with the previous reviewers. I don't feel the dialogue is too heavy. In fact it's a good way to introduce the reader to the concept of the Battalion and the Chikaga. What I want to see though is a slower pace of story telling. What you're leaving out is the description.
Hope my review helped!
I did not read this whole thing at all. (Way to much to take in) I just read a little bit here and there but, this is what I got:
)
At first I was very intrigued about this Battalion-war-idea but, as I got further into it, I lost track of everything! :/ There's way to much dialog for such an interesting story. You don't give the reader any time to digest what has just happen. You just go straight on to the next person.
With this heavy dialog, you leave out all subscription. I know the bare minimal about you're characters at this moment because you haven't described them at all. Having description can leave a readers mind wondering into you're world, making them feel like they are actually there. ( I have some trouble with that at times and I know how hard it can be to try and describe). You don't have to describe every detail though. Just leave it so the reader's imagination can wonder a bit
Lastly, This story would be by far more amazing if you added some mystery or suspense into it. It seems that nothing is really going on. Yes, the protagonist is being sent to join the army, but you don't portray it as very scary. It seems that he's nervous but, not down right horrified whats going to happen to him.
I would really like to see where this story leads. It seems very interesting. Keep me posted.
(Lycan, Sorry, I don't know how to delete my posts and I didn't realize I wrote it in a reply first
This was far too heavy with dialogue. You need to give the reader time to breath. People often become overwhelmed with so much dialogue to keep track of. Also, with the excess of dialogue, writers end up with far too little description. I know next to nothing about the characters and setting in this story. Where are they? What do they characters look like? Even though too much description is a bad thing, too little description can ruin a good novel.
There is not much making me want to read more of your story. You need to add excitement, suspense or mystery. Add something so that a reader will want to continue reading.
Overall, you need to spend some time with this chapter. Reduce the dialogue or, if the dialogue is absolutely essential to the novel, add description in around it. Keep me posted on your writing because I would love to continue to review your stories. Happy Writing!
Hey there, Bradley! Welcome to YWS!
So here we go!
First impressions: I can't say that I was quite expecting that to happen to the reporter at the end! Your writing totally reminds me of mine, particularly of a draft of one of my stories. xD It was nice and I think there is potential in this *but* it needs some work - so I'll be focusing on that in my review.
A few nitpicks:
I'm confused here. First he was very cold and then he loosened up a bit... but they're still strangers but they don't seem to be anymore. The fact that the names are already mentioned also confuses me a little.
(A few lines later, this is clarified a bit. Could you mention it earlier perhaps so we're not as confused?
While I totally understand that they are boyfriend and girlfriend here, there wasn't much of an explanation as two who she was so suddenly we're thrown into this. xD
'Neigborhood' seems unnecessary here.
The wording here seems like he's very apathetic about this. I would be surprised if he was.
Onto the critique, I thought that it was dialogue-heavy. That isn't necessarily a bad thing and often my own writing is like that, but here, I felt that there was too much dialogue and not enough description or anything else - the dialogue was the man focus and I would have liked to see more than that because there is more - there's body language involved too, along with all the other stuff
I also didn't understand a lot of things here. How is everyone related to each other? Who are they? I love the mystery and the intrigue that you have so far but with the characters, I didn't understand very much. It was quite confusing in places - which isn't what you want
Speaking of mystery - build that up! You already have and I think you should add some more to that. You need it for a piece like this. Make everything seem suspicious with Harry - why does he keep coming? What does he want? There's no time for us to be suspicious because by the time we understand everything, we've already passed the action
And that's all! I hope my review was helpful and feel free to PM me if you've got any questions. Don't feel disappointed at of my comments - rather, use them to make your writing better. Keep writing!
Blues.
Huge tip here, post this chapter by chapter. No one in their right mind will review a whole story at once.
I did not read this whole thing at all. (Way to much to take in) I just read a little bit here and there but, this is what I got:

At first I was very intrigued about this Battalion-war-idea but, as I got further into it, I lost track of everything! :/ There's way to much dialog for such an interesting story. You don't give the reader any time to digest what has just happen. You just go straight on to the next person.
With this heavy dialog, you leave out all subscription. I know the bare minimal about you're characters at this moment because you haven't described them at all. Having description can leave a readers mind wondering into you're world, making them feel like they are actually there. ( I have some trouble with that at times and I know how hard it can be to try and describe). You don't have to describe every detail though. Just leave it so the reader's imagination can wonder a bit
Lastly, This story would be by far more amazing if you added some mystery or suspense into it. It seems that nothing is really going on. Yes, the protagonist is being sent to join the army, but you don't portray it as very scary. It seems that he's nervous but, not down right horrified whats going to happen to him.
I would really like to see where this story leads. It seems very interesting. Keep me posted