Published September 20, 2005
this is a little excerpt that a girl friend of mine had me write. i don't write romance stuff so i don't know if its good or not.
Outside, the cold December air, mixed with a wet snow, crashed against the window. She sat in a faded leather wingback chair, listening as he tramped about, a thin wall being the only thing separating them. She sat up with anticipation as he neared the creaky door. His silhouette encompassed the cloudy glass panes on the door, blotting out the words H&S Agency.
Over the edge with excitement, she leapt toward him as the door opened. Wrapped in his arms, she leaned against him, her head buried against his chest, for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, their tight embrace ended. She peered through the dim light, up at his face. In place of his usual steady gaze, that she had grown so fond of; was a mischievous look of passion.
Not knowing what to do, she took a step back. In turn, he took a step towards her. Then he reached out his arm and touched her face. Her heartbeat quickened as he muttered a suggestive remark.
“Are you going to kiss me?” Her voice sounded foreign to her.
He only smiled as he took her face in both of his hands. But suddenly he swiped the glasses from her face and clasped them behind his back. She quickly overcame the shock and began to pursue her glasses. The two playfully tussled for a few minutes until he had her backed to the wall.
He pressed in close until his nose was practically touching hers. She could finally see him clearly; for she was plagued with a terrible case of nearsightedness. Their breathing was rather heavy as they stood staring into each others eyes. After a moment, he slipped his hand into hers, the glasses between their palms.
“I love you.” He said with a gleeful sigh.
He then kissed her, their arms wrapped passionately around each other. And for that moment, their lips locked in an endless love, everything was as it should be.
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141,425 Literary Works • 674,405 Reviews
I think its pretty good.
The writing of romance can sometimes be the hardest form of writing, because some things can be debateable and unpredictable in love.
Screenwriting is done for movies. They have to be very to the point so I think you'd do well. Yeah I thnk your romance writing is very good. I can't compare it to your other writing because I haven't read it. I think I'll go do that now.
If you want to look into screenwriting. I can help you there.
yeah it was just a gritty to the point kind of thing, i didnt want people to have real details of everything, just feelings of it.
I have a hard time relating to romantic poetry, stories or anything. However, it wasn't that complicated with this one, I guess it's because I sort of know you. I saw a few things here that could be added to...specifically imagery. You need more of that. But it was short and to the point, though. I really liked it.
thanks for the feedback. no i haven't done any screenwriting, is that like movies and plays?
so do you think i am cut out for romance writing?
I like your use of adjectives and action verbs. Have you ever done any screenwriting? Your format and attention to detail would work well with the format.
i loved it~!
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
so romantic
but i might be able to help on the kisses.
good job
Hehe, know how you feel.
Can't do kisses either.
thanks for the feedback. ive never tried writing romance. i didnt even think of putting it on here until the girl said she liked it a lot. yeah i agree with the stuff you said, i couldnt think of words besides passion and such, and the part about kissing i couldnt get right so i just did it carelessly. whole thing took me like 30 minutes.
It's kinda stereotypical. I'd try and flesh it out a bit [make it unique, too]:
So it's pointless.
'He then kissed her, their arms wrapped passionately around each other. And for that moment, their lips locked in an endless love, everything was as it should be.'
Any sentence that uses the words 'kissed, passionately, and endless' is obviously very cliche and boring. You wanna make this stand out?
"He kissed her, his arms wound round her. And for that moment, everything was as it should be."
Why?
In romantic fiction, it bothers me when authors do double of things. 'They kissed. They had their arms around each other'. That implies that they're both doing exactly the same thing; when in reality her arms might be around his neck and maybe he's not holding her at all. (It's also a very cliched phrase- I'd avoid using it.)
To end with a bang, you also want to make this short. That's why I got rid of 'lips locked in endless love'. You didn't need it and it was pretty bad anyway. The kiss is going to end, eventually, so why use the words 'endless love'? And they could break up. Or one could die.
I thought it was pretty cool- nice and short. You don't need fifty pages to get a point across, something a lot of writers don't get but obviously you do. I salute you!
yeah i guess im a hopeless romantic... well thanks for the comment... any other critics out there???
It was good. I really liked it. Very romantic. I'm glad your friend told you to post it. Good choice.