The warmth of the sun on his neck woke Mark up in the morning. Somehow, he had wound up lying in the wet grass beside the log he had been sitting on the evening before.
He sat upright and raised his arms, stretching his back, it felt better today. He breathed in and looked around. He was in a picturesque little forest, a swirl of vivid greens and browns, the sun broke through the tall trees looming above, filtered by the leaves it cast a green light around, exaggerating the brightness of Mark's temporary bedroom.
He stood upright, brushed the dirt from his side, walked out of the wooded area and into an open field. A few steps into the field was enough for Mark to get a good view of his surroundings. Luckily with little effort he spotted the giant hedged grid that was the farm. It was a few miles to the west and would take him about thirty minutes to get to.
When Mark was finally fully awake, his panicked thoughts came back to him. Were his friends okay?
He decided running would be much more appropriate, and did so, bolting toward the farm.
He arrived at the edge of the farm, out of breath. He pushed his body through the hedge, taking a few thorns in the arms and face, but he brushed it off and continued inside. He was about four fields deep from where the lodge was located, and people were already out working the fields. It was only now that Mark realized he had slept in for the first time in four years, it was a strange feeling.
Peter, a man five or so years older than mark, was working the fourth field. He made a confused face, seeing Mark wandering in from outside of the farm. No one ever left the farm so it was a queer sight to say the least.
Mark was in no hurry to stop and chat so he shot a friendly wave at Peter and continued walking at a rushed pace toward the lodge.
His plan was to ask Luke where everyone was, but after arriving in the third field he let out a huge sigh of relief, seeing Maea picking through the field with Timas at the far end.
“Maea!” he ran toward her.
“Mark! Where were you this morning? Luke said you never showed.”
“Uh, long story.” Mark looked around, a little on edge. “Very long story. Is everyone else in the fields today?”
“Mostly, Clive and Taeza got number eight, Gorde and that damn new kid got twelve and Tali got sick last night so she's taking a day today.”
“Really? Where's she staying?”
“Just at our place, I'd bet she's still in bed, she was pretty bad.”
“I've gotta go talk to her.”
“Go ahead, Luke is doing your field so you might want to run it by him too.”
“Shit! Yeah, I guess this'll be one of my sick days. Oh well, I'd better go.”
“Okay, see ya.” It was obvious she didn't know what to think.
“Bye” The words hardly left his mouth before he broke into another run.
Mark made it through the rest of the fields and to the housing area. He could see the windows in Tali and Maea's cabin were cracked open, so she was probably inside.
He stepped up to the door and knocked softly, he wasn't sure how sick she was or what kind of sick she was, so he didn't want to make a racket.
“Come in” he heard a weak voice call out.
He opened the door and stepped inside, it was warm and humid in the cabin, and Tali was sitting at a table, a blanket draped over her shoulders, sipping a big cup of tea.
“Oh Mark, hi. Everyone was wondering where you were this morning.”
“Hi Tali, uh. I...” Mark hadn't really thought about how he was going to bring up the events of the night before.
“What's up” she asked, seeing the look of concern in Mark's face and eyes. She made a gesture with her hand as if to say “Sit”.
“Tali, you were up as late as I was last night. Did you... hear anything last night?”
“What do you mean?”
“I was kind of... I got beat up and kidnapped”
There was not much color in Tali's face to start, but what was left was drained as a look of shock covered her face.
Mark wanted to reassure her “I'm alright, for now, but...”
She cut him off “Wait, wait, wait. You got beat up and kidnapped?! How are you acting like that's not a big deal. Let's go talk to Luke and get them in trouble!”
Mark started talking very fast. “No, Tal' it was nobody who works here. It was, well, I really don't know who it was. The more important thing though is that they were accusing me of having something to do with some kind of glowing weed. I know it sounds ...”
“Glowing weed?”
“Yeah, I know, it's ...”
“That glows under moonlight?”
Mark stopped talking, he took a second to check the expression in her face, her eyes. She looked completely serious.
“Yeah! Did... did I say that? Wait, Tali, what do you know?”
“We need to go see Quint.”
“Seriously what do you know?!”
“Come on!” Tali didn't seem to be aware of her sickness anymore, she got up and dropped the blanket to the floor, she was wearing pajamas, but walked to the door and outside anyway. “Hurry up!”
Mark realized quickly that he wasn't going to get any answers so he followed her.
They started running to the far end of the housing area, to the oldest looking cabin on the farm. It was the oldest looking cabin because it really was the oldest cabin.
Tali knocked on the door and waited. There was no answer, so she knocked again, a little louder this time, but there was still no answer. She sighed in annoyance and stepped over to the window, she pushed it sideways which allowed it to be opened upward. After reaching her hand in she pulled out an old key with a green ribbon tied through its top and unlocked the door with it.
The door opened, and as they walked in Mark could hear something coming out of another room. It sounded like someone working with tools.
Tali motioned for Mark to follow her toward the room. They started moving to the source of the sound. As they slowly walked across the wooden floor one of the boards creaked quite loudly. When it did, Mark heard a panicked racket coming from the room, he heard things being closed and covered and very quickly. Quint popped out of the room, the door closed and locked behind him.
Quint was an older man, in his fifties or sixties. He had dark gray hair pulled back into a shaggy ponytail, on his face he grew a beard and perched above his nose was a pair of thick magnifying glasses, the kind jewelers wear. He had the look of a scholar.
“Oh Tali.” he said, sounding relieved. “Please don't scare me like that. No one is supposed to be here in the mornings.”
“Sorry Quint but this is important. Can you please show Mark?”
Quint made a face, it showed concern, curiosity and excitement all at once. He thought to himself for several seconds before speaking up.
“Hmm. I suppose you are one of the few people I trust on this farm, Mark. But I need you to promise me you won't breath a word of this to anyone.
“Sure. I promise” Mark said. “Though I have to say, I have no idea what's going on here.”
“You will.” Tali looked Mark in the eyes.
Tali had always had a cheery expression on her face, even when she was sick her cheeks naturally formed into a gentle smile. But for the last twenty minutes, it was as if Mark was looking at a different person. Her face was dull and serious. He was scared.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Sorry it's been almost forever since I've written a review for this, but I'm here now! So here it is.
Should be seperate sentences.
Nice description.
Again, seperate sentences or add an and.
Sounds kind of awkward. You should try: what was left drained away...
Seperate sentences.
No need for a comma here.
Seperate sentences.
The last part doesn't have to be attached to this statement. Try using a period instead of a comma to make it look organized.
I think something like this would sound better: Quint made a face that was a mix of concern, curiosity and excitement all at once.
There's a lot of run on sentences, which get really annoying. Sorry, but it's true. There's a lot less run on sentences in this chapter than in your previous ones, though, so that's good. Hope this helped. PM me if you want me to review your next chapter.
Peace out,
Dreamworx95
XOXO
....... yeah, I see what you're saying, it's kind of rough.
I'll have another stab at this.
Oh, and one last thing. If you are interested in reading more and expanding your arsenal of literary techniques, don't be afraid to PM me. I'll be more than happy to recommend some novels that are really in tune to character development and legibility.
I'm having writers block right now, and it's more than helpful to be editing stories and looking back and reading novels that display techniques and incoporate styles similar to my own.
Also, I'm not a grammar buff, I just critique the things that bother MY understanding of the text, so you might wanna like ask "SexySadie" or someone likes that to edit for grammar or you should do it in your free time hardcore.
"The warmth of the sun on his neck woke Mark up in the morning. "
Is an awkward sentence, try "In the morning, Mark woke up to the warmth of the sun upon his neck."
BUT you don't have to. This is stylistic, grammatically it's fine.
"He sat upright and raised his arms, stretching his back, it felt better today."
"it felt better today" is a complete thought not dependent of the sentence it is now relying on. put a period before it and actually state what "it" is in it's own complete sentence.
"He was in a picturesque little forest, a swirl of vivid greens and browns, the sun broke through the tall trees looming above, filtered by the leaves it cast a green light around, exaggerating the brightness of Mark's temporary bedroom. "
This sentence is overwhelming and too clumped together, it's hard on the reader. Break it apart accordingly into smaller sentences. Just as a rule of thumb, any sentence that is as long or longer than three lines should be broken down to at least two independent sentences for clarity. (to be even more clear, I would break it down to a few). Doing things like this doesn't rough up your story, in fact, because readers don't have to re-read the sentences, it provides more flow.
"Luckily with little effort he spotted the giant hedged grid that was the farm."
Punctuation is off here, "Luckily(,) with a little effort (,) he spotted..." is the correct version.
"He decided running would be much more appropriate, and did so, bolting toward the farm. "
Really? His decision is apparent in the fact that he runs...CUT THAT OUT of the story, it seems like the guys really slow.
"He arrived at the edge of the farm, out of breath."
Miss-placed modifier, "out of breath" is modifying the farm here, not him. If you want to modify his arrival, you need to move it next to it, "He arrived, out of breath, at the edge of the farm."
"It was only now that Mark realized he had slept in for the first time in four years, it was a strange feeling. "
This is a comma splice. You need a stronger punctuation mark after "years" try a semi-colon.
Alright, I only read the first six "paragraphs" because I've got some actually things to do today. I haven't read part 1,2,3,4,5 and 6, but right now the story for me seems okay. Try to make Mark less robotic, and your sentences are really...grammatically impaired--to the point that the story is slightly compromised. Uh, I didn't see any depth to your characters, which is common for younger writers, but really really try making each character have their own thought process, originality, etc. Make them human. I say that WAY too much in here, but it's really important. One of the reasons why Harry Potter and novels like that actually do so good is because they at least ATTEMPT to give their characters life (HP did not meet criteria as a good example of realistic characterization though) although their "life" is usually based off of old clichés about teenagers, which is quite depressing. Anyway, I'm digressing. The best advice I can give you is to read A LOT, especially the authorities in literature. Don't touch anything that's entirely fan-based like HP or Star Wars and ESPECIALLY not Eragon. Instead, you really need to read some of those books that obscure college professors write out of the blue and decide to publish because they just want to. That kind of literature may not be the most interesting, but it has a certain technique and skill that is beautiful. Some people have knacks for story-telling and others are gifted in creating new ideas. You seem to have good ideas so what you really need to do is learn and take notes on how to convey them. I hope this doesn't offend you that I couldn't read all of it, but I just wanted to give you some insight for a second.
Goshuushou-sama,
YATTA!