Thanks to clograbby and sugarbowl for editing tips.
Thanks to Xena for being a big fat poo poo head and not liking my story
The rain had filled Marks eyelashes to the point where his sight was becoming blurry. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, only to find his skin just as wet. Shaking his head like a wet dog, his vision cleared long enough to distinguish his house from the others. He ran cautiously, hoping not to slip, toward his destination.
He reached for the door knob and struggled to retain a grip on the cold, wet brass. Twisting the knob, first right, then left, he flung the door open and stepped out of the rain and onto the hard wood floors of his room.
Now that he was sheltered, Mark took a second to breathe. He unbuckled Owen's shoes and set them upside down to dry off. He walked to the bathroom, leaving a trail of water and making a wet, slapping sound with every step he took. He grabbed a towel off of the wall and proceeded to dry himself off.
Grabbing a clean set of clothes from his dresser he slipped them on. Fresh, dry clothes felt amazing after sopping through mud in a drenched outfit.
He grabbed his navy blue raincoat from the wall beside his bed and put on a pair of heavy leather shoes to keep his feet dry in the downpour.
Owen's sandals had dried and the rain had cleaned them off ahead of time, so Mark took one last look at them and, thinking they looked good, threw them into a bag and tied the end in a knot.
He put up his hood and opened the door. The rain was still gushing from the sky so hard he couldn't see ten feet in front of him. Regardless, he jumped across the threshold and the door clicked shut behind him. With his bag of shoes in hand he started running in the direction of the lodge, where he knew his friends would be hanging out, drying off.
No one else was outside. The only sounds to be heard, other than the rush of falling water, were Mark's thick boots splashing into the mud, followed by the sound of the suction breaking as he pulled them out with each stride.
Some houses had lights on. It wasn't really dark yet, but the clouds were making it just dim enough to justify auxiliary lighting. It was probably about four in the afternoon, but rain has a tendency to make it feel later than it really is. Unless it's that strange rain that shows up when the sun is out and no clouds are in sight.
After nearly getting lost, Mark finally took a satisfying step out of the muddy path and on to the solid wooden walkway up to the lodge. Soon he was protected by the lodge awning, so he took a moment to turn around and look back at the rain. The houses he had passed just moments before seemed to have vanished behind the curtain of falling water.
He turned and grabbed the thick main door of the lodge. Putting his weight into it, he pulled it open and a rush of heat flew at his face as he stepped in. The door made a satisfying 'thud' sound as it sealed against the frame.
---
“There he is.” Owen called at Mark. “How's it goin' buddy?”
“Alright I guess.” He replied, setting the bag with Owen's shoes onto the counter.
“What's this?”
“Shoes. Cleaned and polished.” Mark joked.
Owen tore the bag and pulled out his leather sandals. “Looks good” He said. “The kids are playing pool if you're wondering. Take it easy man.”
Mark nodded pleasantly and started heading toward the pool tables.
“Oh hang on!” Owen shouted. “I found em, they were sitting under a table.” He pulled Mark's old sandals out from under the counter and set them on top.
“Oh great! That's a load off my shoulders, I do not have the money for those to go missing. Do me a favor and keep them under there just for tonight and I'll pick them up before I leave”
“No problem Mark.”
Mark continued on his way, now a bit happier than he had been when he first entered the lodge. The lodge was a very large building, probably the size of an individual field on the farm. The bar where Owen worked was raised about half a foot above the rest of the lodge with an area of small tables and chairs in front of it, also raised and with a wood floor.
He stepped down onto the well worn red carpet and made his way past several rows of dinner-sized tables and a section of always popular chess boards until he arrived at the billiards tables. There were 12 in total.
At a table near the wall, in front of a large picture window, Mark's friends stood around a table. Clive and Taeza were there, along with a man with dark brown hair, glasses and a narrow face named Gorde, a young woman, no older than twenty with a fair frame and straight red hair, Tali, and her close friend Maea, a little bit younger than Tali, with light brown, somewhat curly hair that hung in front of her eyes.
When Mark finally arrived at the table he was greeted cheerily by everyone. Tali and Clive were playing at the table, while the others stood around holding sticks and making smalltalk.
“So what's up guys. Anybody finish today.”
There was silence as nearly everyone looked around trying to avoid having to admit to being rained out before finishing.
Taeza, however, took a few steps backwards, moving closer to the table and raised an arm to point at Tali, who was in the middle of lining up a shot.
“Well, yeah, what else is new.” Gorde snapped out jokingly. Tali let her stick fly with a sharp click and straightening up to watch the shot she bumped into Taeza's pointing arm. It took a moment, but quickly she became aware that she was being teased. With a speed faster than one would expect from a girl of her light build she grabbed Taeza's arm and was just as quickly behind his back.
Paralyzed, and in great pain Taeza breathed out “Okay okay, I give.”
“Yeah I finished. And so would you bums if you didn't stand around shooting the shit all day and did some hard work for a change!”
“Yes mom.” Gorde and Taeza, who had that day worked together and had only finished one field chimed in at the same time.
“Haha, okay.” Mark laughed, stepping back to take in what had just happened. “So, we've got bearings. Tali is some sort of robot, who can finish three fields in a single motion. Gordy and Taze, are lazy assholes. What about you guys?” He was now looking at Clive and Maea.
“I was with Tali.” said Maea quietly, she wasn't one for words.
“Ah, I don't wanna talk about it.” Clive said, exhaustedly.
“Oh yeah right, now we have to know. What's your deal man?”
“Nothing man, I just got stuck with some new idiot who probably can't pour cereal in the morning by himself. I met this kid three quarters into every field and when I got to the three quarter mark on my last field he was nowhere to be seen. I still don't know where he is but I got stuck doing his work and then getting rained on while I was on the far end of the farm. So all in all it was a lame day, guy.”
Everyone cringed at the thought. Well, almost everyone. Mark wasn't sure since Maea hardly ever has anything but a neutral look on her face. Aside from that, it was obvious that everyone sympathized with Clive.
“That sucks dude.” Gorde said casually.
“That's really too bad Clive. I got stuck with a newbie too, but mine was at least half competent.”
“Yeah, well, like I said, I don't really want to talk about it. I'd much rather forget it and get on with this game.”
Mark had forgotten about the game. Clive had to make a difficult shot, he had to reach across the table, but when he went to take the shot it clicked cleanly and he managed to get two of his own, and one of Tali's balls in.
“Woo!” Tali cheered as her ball dropped into the hole at the expense of Clive's shot. “Thank you, sir.”
“Don't mention it.” Clive said, still obviously a bit on edge about his day.
“I'm playing winner.” Mark said, as he walked toward the wall. He grabbed a cue off the wall, stood it beside himself and guessing that it was a decent length made his way back to the table.
“You got it.” Clive said, assuredly. He was leading the game with only one ball left on the table while Tali had three remaining.
“Looking forward to it, Mark.” She smiled. She took a long look at the table and after a while stood up straight and made a sound, as though to say “got you now.” She walked around the corner and after lining up her cue quickly, she sent the cue ball flying at an empty wall of the table. It came back at an angle and bounced off another empty wall before hitting one of her balls, which hit another, and another and sent all three into the corner pocket in clockwork fashion.
“Ha!” she smirked.
She took one last snap at the cue ball and sunk the eight, ending the game in her favour.
“Rack em.” She said, obviously very satisfied with herself. She tossed the rack at Mark, who fumbled and almost dropped it.
“Ah come on!” Clive cursed. “I need a drink.”
“Don't take it so hard buddy.” Mark said as Clive walked to the bar.
“I'll see you guys in a bit” said Maea. She turned, trying to catch up with Clive as he walked away.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Might be a bit of a spoiler, maybe not. But this chapter introduces almost ALL of the supporting characters, so no worries about that in chapters to come. And from what I've written, the character load has lightened up.
You might guess that my favourite movies are those with several-minute-long dialogues. It's so so hard to resist the urge to have characters have 'realistically long' conversations.
Unfortunately the chapters I've written ahead of this kind of used these as a foundation, so it's hard to change them. I understand it's a bit much, but it's going to have to be that way in this instance.
Thanks for taking an interest.
As for dialogue, that's kind on my weekness.
Wow, I really, really liked the first part of this chapter. You really made it clear how heavy the downpour was. But I have to say I'm a little disappointed with the second part. Like I said before about your first chapter, there were too many characters being introduced, so it was hard to keep up. Clive seems to be a very dominating and important character, but I'm not so sure about the rest. There was also a lot of unnecessary dialogue as well. My advice is to try toning it down a bit with the amount of characters introduced in one small part of the story, and avoid writing sentences that stretch on forever. Overall, this chapter is very descriptive with very good word choices. I didn't detect very many grammatical or spelling errors and everything seems to make sense.