This love this one love sinful is her crime,
Our bed sheets were shaken without thy presence.
She is now the repulsive,rasping tongue of a snake in my minds eye,
Evil and shrewdness does this represent.
Yet she mocks my anger with her enjoyment,
Thus fills my mind with shrilling shrieks.
Watching the serpent arouse her new charmer,
The charmers' melody distorted within thine soul.
This crime of adultery must not be repented,
Thy plan is flawless thy plan is discrete.
Reaching at a point abstract with insanity and the mind of a genius, Chuckling, shrieking, and weeping are these arranged emotions.
Waiting at the moment of least expectant,
In the serpents bed chambers the quarrel will detonate.
Waiting in the town the drawbridge has lifted,
Time of prayer.
In her room staring at her once beautiful face,
"pray well my love .
Good rest well needed,
Once my love now my nemesis.
Kiss farewell my love."
"Tis thee i love!"
Silence,
Silence.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Okay, so in general, I don't like the words like "thou/thy" because it makes it sound...old. Which to me gives the impression of trying too hard for that classic poem approach. Although I have to say I liked it in the very last part of the poem when used as dialogue.
Now, getting away from that. The imagery of the snake and such was again a little old-fashioned, and lack of uniqueness was a problem for me. I'm not saying this is a bad poem, as it's honestly, truly not. In fact it's really good, and the last two lines, for whatever reason, just totally had an emotional pull for me. So why am I being so harsh? Because this is good, but it didn't quite meet the mark, and I know it can.
Keep writing,
-StoryWeaver
i have said before that poetry is often hard to critique but yours is really good! i quite like it. im filled up with this emotion so well put into words yet grasping at the feeling it is concerned with. I applaud you. *APPLAUD, APPLAUD* tear.
the only thing i have to say is it doesnt make sense in the first line."This love this one love sinful is her crime" ,perhaps putting in some commas and changing sinful to sin or sinfullness. anyway, i really like it. keep at it! can't wait to read more of your submissions!