Young Writers Society

I like the intensity of the poem. The poet is totally involved and the pacing is appropriate to the theme which is suffering accompanied by a stubborn unrelenting determination to overcome all obstacles in his way.

Reminds me of the poem that ends with "You'll be a an my son!" and another called Invictus which refers to his soul as unconquerable. Such poems have encouragement value for those of who have experienced or else are under similar duress.



Thanks for sharing.


Suggestions

It is good to be specific and not limit the descriptions of sufferings to generalities. Generalities leave a reader wondering about what specifically happened. For example, If I say I was ill, the question is in what way? Or if I say things changed, the reader will ask how? After all, things can change in an infinite number of ways.

How does the reader know if the person is not complaining about a change that is good? How do I know that the speaker isn't a dictator complaining about how he can no longer have his way with the helpless and that is bothering him? You see, I can't know unless I know the details. Of course I can assume that the reasons are noble.

But that requires trust and we as writers are speaking to an audience of strangers. So why should we expect them to trust that we are not defending injustices and complaining about things that are righteous? Being specific removes that obstacle. It serves like an anchior on which our evaluation of the content is more firm.

Lay carelessly strewn [lie carelessly]

Heart visible on sleeve. [ clitche']

All normality wrenched, shred [shredded]

Hope glitters in heart [ use of heart is considered clitche']

I would not place the paragraphs in that way. It made me hesitate to read it. It distracted me during the reading.

Hello! I must say, this poem is very impressive. When you think of poetry, you think of a few short stanzas but you took that idea away and created something much better than a few short lines, you painted a masterpiece in words.

I must also say that the format in which you used was very...Interesting to say the least, I felt like as the stanzas moved, it was like a different person was speaking in the mind of whomever is thinking these thoughts.

And I must say that the last two lines really threw me off.

"Striding to future, head now high

To Ever Onward I fly."

It could be just me, but with those lines, I have a feeling something much deeper happened that caused it to be the end. Am I right or am I just overthinking?

Anyway, I really liked the poem! Keep up the great work and keep writing from the heart.

Good day!

I love your poem, especially the intriguing format. It shows the sway of her thoughts - how her mind creeps around the change that aggravates her state. I also really liked the first few stanzas because it shows how confuse she/he is, which is people's basic reaction to changes.

However, the transition between feeling hopeless about the change into trying to move forward is a bit abrupt. In the course of our life, we don't just realize that we should move on. I think you should add a trigger by using this question: "why would I need to move on?" as a guide.

I also have a few more concerns:

1. In the line, "Good pales against hardship."

The word "good" seems to be irrelevant because you're trying to compare it with the word "stoic."
Stoic means, a person who can endure pain without showing any feelings or expressions, so it doesn't have anything to do with being good.


2. In the line, "Adamantly fighting for old"

When reading this line, it seems to say that the new normals fight for the old, which is contradictory? It's like change is trying to fight itself. Are you saying that it's you who continues to fight for the old? If so, please add an "I."


3. In the line, "Never even faintly coming"

This line is confusing. I don't know what you are trying to say here. If you could explain it to me, thank you.


4. You forget the word "is" or "of" in the lines:

"Life a mess unexpected""
"Unsure what to do"
"Nothing the same anymore"

I'm not sure if it is intentional or not, but it seems awkward when I read it.


Overall, most of my concerns are based of your 7th stanza, which is where I suggested a better transition too. It kind of felt hurried there. Like the climax and resolution of the narrator's thoughts and emotions were mashed up. Despite that, I do like your poem. I like the message you're trying to put. I love the phrase

"How to be brave in
What never happened before."

It is simple, yet striking.

Best regards,

Kattee