Young Writers Society

Quick backstory: I submitted this for my online public speaking class (yes, yes, they do exist- no, I did not utter one word to an audience in the entire semester). The criteria was a "how-to" speech and it had to be at least five paragraphs. Being my usual semi-sarcastic self, I wrote about zombies because why not? My teacher offered no critiques on any of my writing the entire semester and gave me 100% on everything I wrote... please, rip it to shreds. I need to improve. Also, if you come across anything that is surrounded by [ ], it's supposed to be a cue for a visual aid. I think I deleted all of them, but I may have missed one or two. This is what I submitted:

NOTE: I believe that crazy, scary diseases exist. I believe that crazy, scary drugs exist. I believe that sociopathic humans exist; humans that feel no emotion when killing other humans. I believe in cannibalism. I believe that humans have been reawakened from the brain dead state. I believe that I would be insane to say that, in some extreme compilation of the aforementioned variables, a disease that allows corpses to rise from the dead could not exist. However, I do not believe that we are all going to die from some impending zombie catastrophe. I was laughing the entire time I wrote this paper and I hope you can get some enjoyment out of reading it. I read and reread the guidelines and I do believe this topic falls within them, no matter how ridiculous it may seem. However, if you ask me to resubmit some paper about baking a cake, I will understand and do it willingly.

It has been joked about for decades. It has been dramatized by Hollywood. It has been laughed at; scoffed at; and ignored by hundreds of thousands of people. I am here to tell you that it is legitimate. If you choose not to follow the proceeding guidelines, I cannot guarantee your safety. Actually, I cannot guarantee your safety either way, but by following the proceeding guidelines you will have a slightly better chance of surviving. That’s right: the zombie apocalypse is real. [cues zombie media PowerPoint] It will happen. It is only a matter of time before the human race is invaded by corpses raised from the dead.

What I am about to tell you should not be taken lightly. The end of the world is upon us and if you hope to survive, you will listen to this in all seriousness. There are five crucial steps to ensure you are given a chance at enduring this catastrophic time. The proper weapons must be found; the proper shelter must be taken; the proper disguises must be used; the proper escape must be planned; and the proper mindset must be engaged. If you carefully plan and think out each of these five steps, it is my hope that you will survive this cataclysmic time; but I make no promises. With the world’s looming termination, it is every man for himself.

The first step to surviving the zombie takeover is incurring the proper weapon. Without the proper weapon, you stand absolutely no chance of survival. There are two types of weapons that can be used against zombies: weapons that kill and weapons that disable. Weapons that kill are obviously the preferred choice. They ensure that the zombie will probably not get up. Probably. Weapons that disable ensure that the zombie will get up. It may take a moment or it may be seconds, but the zombie will get up and be even more murderous than it was before.

There are a couple of ways to mostly guarantee that a zombie will not get up after you kill it. You can burn it, electrocute it, mess with its heart or mess with its brain. None of these ways actually make sense, since the zombie is literally a mobile dead thing. However, they are scientifically proven by real experiments done on real zombies to work. Most of the time.

Burning the zombie involves somehow setting fire to the zombie. This will reduce its body to ash. This method is not recommended in hasty situations, as the zombie can still move while it burns. It will continue moving even as its assorted limbs turn to ash, so make sure you are a safe distance away. Popular weapons used to burn the zombie include flamethrowers and the good ole’ gasoline and lighter trick.

Using electrocution to kill the zombie has a similar effect to burning it. The electricity sends spasms up and down the corpse and disables it. It also fries the brain, which contains the murderous disease and controls the monster. With a fried brain, the zombie cannot do anything. It is dead. Like actually, unable-to-rise dead. The obvious weapon of choice to fry the zombie is jumper cables and water. In some suicidal cases, leading the zombie into a high voltage area will work sufficiently.

Screwing up the zombie’s heart is one of the most sure-fire ways to kill it. You can do this in any number of ways. For starters, you can stab the heart using a knife or a stray piece of wood or metal. You can also shoot the heart using a gun or bow and arrow. These ways should be used with haste and the need to run should be anticipated. While they will eventually kill the zombie, it does not feel and will be quite mad until it eventually falls. The best way to kill the zombie using the heart involves a large amount of stupidity (I mean bravery) and grossness. This would be to remove the heart from the body. This stops the flow of blood that should not be flowing anyways and will make the zombie immediately drop. It is one of the quickest and most effective ways to kill a zombie. However, it involves getting in the zombies chest at very close range, which is very dangerous because you could become infected or eaten in those crucial moments.

Another very effective way to kill the zombie is to mess with its head. By this, I mean actually doing damage to its brain, not just confusing it (although that can work for a quick getaway). Since the brain is the part of the body that is diseased, disrupting it will be quite effective in stopping the zombie. Removing the head is one demonstration of such disruption. Bullets, knifes, wood, and other sharp objects may also be impaled into the brain. Since the brain controls the body, such punctures will stop the creature much more efficiently than puncturing the heart. If you can get close enough, screwing with the zombie’s head is the best way to terminate its terror spree on earth.

Like I mentioned before, there are two main types of weapons to use against a zombie. There are weapons that kill and weapons that disable. Popular weapons used to disable the zombie include running it over with a vehicle and drowning it. Stabbing it in any area other than the head or heart is also quite common.

If you are fortunate enough to have a motorized vehicle in the upcoming debacle, it would be highly recommended that you do not abandon said vehicle. For example, if a zombie appears in your line of drive, continue driving. Do not, under any circumstances, get out of the vehicle to kindly ask the zombie to move. If you do this you will be infected with the disease and none of us will waste any of our pity on your asininity. If the preceding incident occurs, use the zombie as a speedbump and continue driving. It is important to remember that these are monsters, not humans. Also, an important detail I should mention: zombies bounce quite well. There won’t be much damage done to the ever-important vehicle.

When running the zombie over, you should know that you will not kill it. There is literally a .0001% chance of slaying the monster in this manner. When it rises, about 5 seconds after the last wheel runs it over, it will be very ticked off and the next person in a car to come across it should be prepared for an angry speedbump. Hopefully this person is not you.

The ideal vehicle has four wheels, a couple of working doors, and windows that aren’t busted. Locking systems are quite nice but not necessarily a requirement. It should be said that people who possess such luxuries will instantly become everybody’s best friend, so be prepared to give rides to salvation to random strangers.

[cartoon graphic of somebody attempting to drown a zombie and epically failing] Drowning a zombie is just about the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard of, but people continue to impress me with their idiocy and bring this thought up all the time. I will say it once: drowning a zombie is a total waste of time. Total. Waste. You are actually holding a thing that does not breathe under water. Basically, you are giving the zombie a bath while increasing your chances of being infected with the disease. If you decide to do this… well, it has been great knowing you. Good-bye.

A very common misuse of perfectly good weapons is stabbing the zombie in somewhere other than its heart or brain. The thing doesn’t feel pain. Don’t waste your time “slowing it down” by stabbing its stomach, arm, leg, etc. The same goes for bullets. Shoot to kill. It’s you or it. Remember that.

So, a quick recap of everything I’ve just said: the first step to surviving the zombie apocalypse is acquiring the proper weapon. Whether this weapon is jumper cables and a spray bottle or a knife, it is important that you have knowledge in using this weapon. It is highly recommended that you garner this knowledge now, before you need it in a life and death situation.

The second step to surviving the zombie atrocity is finding the perfect shelter. There are two basic types of zombie-proof asylum: underground and aboveground. Underground havens are popular in areas that have had these instituted anyways. Places that are frequently bombed may use bomb shelters as an anti-zombie zone, for example. Aboveground sanctuaries are common in cities and populated areas.

Underground hideouts certainly have their perks. For one thing, these areas can be carefully- and effectively- hidden. Using trapdoors and trick tunnels, it can be almost impossible to find these havens. They can also be equipped to handle a variety of dangers. Provided you survive the zombie catastrophe, you can restock the cavern to provide shelter for the inevitable time that humans get stupid again and start bombing each other.

Aboveground dwellings are fantastic for people residing in cities. Take a city like Detroit, for example. Detroit is mostly abandoned and the number of empty buildings is astounding. These buildings provide hiding places for those looking for shelter. However, zombies have very easy access to these areas. Though it may take them a while, the zombies will find you if you stay in one place. It is important to move regularly.

Bunkers are a common type of underground compartment. A surprising amount of people have personal bunkers. This is largely due to the previously mentioned bomb threat, but some people were a little slap-happy in ’99 and installed bunkers to survive the imminent threat of 2000. That threat amounted to nothing. But hey, now the bunker will be put to good use. So long as it is camouflaged correctly, the bunker can be a good place to reside. However, it is important to note that, under no sane circumstances, should a person leave the bunker. There is no way to tell what rests outside of the carefully hidden little sanctuary. Also, it is crucial for me to say this next mood killer. If a zombie finds your quaint home, you will be trapped. For this reason, it may be worth considering aboveground shelter.

One of the most common aboveground shelters is the abandoned warehouse. I know, I know, how cliché of me: what zombie movie doesn’t use an abandoned warehouse? However, these movies are quite realistic and put the warehouses to good use. These warehouses are typically overrun by zombies, you say. Yes, I’m aware of that. Have you ever noticed that Hollywood tends to set up shop in these warehouses? It becomes a “come one, come all!” building in which nobody ever leaves. Don’t do that. The more humans congregated, the stronger the stench that zombies use to track you. It’s the zombie apocalypse. I give you my personal permission to be as selfish as you would like. It’s your warehouse and darn it, you were here first. Just don’t stay long.

In addition to finding the perfect weapon and an appropriate shelter, it is very important to properly camouflage yourself. This is why camouflage makes it as step number three in my zombie survival guide.

There are several different ways to camouflage oneself. I will focus on two ways: by scent and by sight. Zombies primarily track humans using their sense of smell. However, it can be argued that their sense of sight isn’t totally lost. Zombies can also hear humans. It isn’t hard to camouflage yourself to a zombie’s ears: just shut up. For this reason, I’ll move right on to describe scent and sight veils.

Masking your scent is a rather nasty process. Basically, zombies smell humans. To un-humanize your stench, you need to mask it with another equally nasty substance. Popular masking agents are pee and zombie slime. To use pee as a mask, use an animal’s urine to rub all over your body. It is very, very important not to use human urine to attempt to mask a human scent. This won’t work because human pee smells like (gasp) humans.

To use zombie slime as a mask, rub your hand along a part of a zombie’s body (it would be in your best interest to make sure the zombie is dead-dead before getting up close and personal). Your hand will carry cells, dirt, and a certain aura that only zombies possess. Rub your hand along your body. Repeat 2-3 more times for maximum effectiveness.

As I mentioned earlier, disguising your sight is of variable effectiveness. However, it is not difficult to do, so I think the precaution should be taken anyways. As you roam through the woods in a wild attempt of survival, showering is probably the last thing on your mind. This is a good thing: dirt blends in well with trees. To help speed up this process, find a mud puddle. Jump in and swim a little. Rub the mud all over your body. Then get out and let it dry. Find some leaves from a nearby tree or shrub and attach them to your body either by using mud as glue or tying the leaves with vines. Once you are done with your disguise, give yourself a pat on the back. You now look like a tree. Congratulations.

The fourth step in the zombie survival plan is the proper escape. It is very important to have escape plans in place for different scenarios. There are basically two ways of escaping, unless you are insanely rich and have a private jet. In which case I hate you and I hope you catch the disease. Because I’m nice like that.

Escapes can be performed in two ways: physical exertion and mechanical exertion. Physical exertion allows for the physical exhaustion of its performers. However, these performers are often more mobile and more nimble-footed than those who participate in mechanical exertion. Mechanical exertion also runs the risk of running out of fuel, a costly enough substance in normal times.

The first way of escape is by using your own two feet. This is highly recommended for physically fit people. In fact, people who are physically unfit will probably not be able to do these maneuvers. Like, at all. So I suggest you get yourself in shape.

Anyways, back to using your feet. Your feet can be used to jump from ledge to ledge. If a building is close enough, you can jump from one window to the next. Your feet can also carry you in both a walk and a run. Both of these gaits can be accomplished stealthily and allow maximum range of motion. You can zigzag and dart or run flat out and in a straight line. For this reason, feet are almost preferable to our next option.

The second way of escape is by using a motorized vehicle. To all of our McDonald’s lovers out there, rejoice: McDonald’s French fries will endure the end of the world. Also, there’s a little hope for your own survival.

While using a car attracts a lot of attention, it has two things feet do not provide: speed and protection. Many vehicles can hit speeds of over 100mph. Many humans are lucky if they can run a few miles an hour. Also, while zombies generally are not speedy creatures, they do occasionally get hit with a case of the smarts and can coordinate an ambush towards our foot-fancy friends. In a car, this is of no consequence. As was said earlier, zombies make nice speed bumps for cars.

The fifth and final way to prepare for the zombie Armageddon is to prepare yourself mentally. The first step in mental preparation is to understand the difference between natural paranoia and the zombie disease. There are some pretty major differences between the two, but you wouldn’t believe the amount of people who ask me to distinguish. So here goes.

Natural paranoia involves feelings of anguish and fear. A paranoid person worries about the impending doom. They wonder if they will survive. They fear for their friends and themselves. They struggle with the idea that they may not survive this catastrophe.

A person with the zombie infection mostly thinks about how delicious a human will taste. All other thoughts are numbed. They do not feel pain and move very slowly, as do their thoughts. If you wake up and begin thinking of your buddy as pizza as you creep across the floor towards him, you probably have the disease.

The second step to mental preparation is realizing that zombies are a whole other species. They are blood thirsty creatures who do not feel pain and will stop at nothing for a meal. The phrase “fish are friends, not food,” does not apply here. Zombies are not friends, nor are they food. Kill them using previously discussed techniques and move on.

While you are being a responsible zombie killer, it is very possible that you could contract the disease. This is typically done through bite or scratch by an infected monster. If you are a good little zombie, you would have discussed the plan of action with your friends before your infection and one of them will kill you. However, if you were not a good little zombie and followed the majority, you will kill and eat. This will be your life from now on. Similar to before, the phrase “fish are friends, not food,” no longer applies. Fish are indeed food and not at all friends. You will not get enjoyment from it or anything sick like that, killing will just consume your life. But please, do be a nice little zombie and try not to kill me.

There are five steps to surviving the zombie cataclysm. They are: acquiring a proper weapon; seeking appropriate shelter; engaging camouflage techniques; designing an adequate escape plan; and understanding the mindset needed for the zombie takeover. All of these steps will serve you much better if you begin practicing them now and have a set plan in place for when the catastrophe occurs. Remember: it is coming. It will happen.