Her screams still rung in my ears three years later. It was loud, blood curtling, terrifying making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up right. I remember the feeling of the carpet under my feet as i walked, stunned, foward down the hallway, scraping under my feet like thousands of tiny needles.
The darkness covered me like a blanket making everything duller hard to understand. I gripped the wooden baseball bat in my hands tighter, getting ready to use itif nessacary. I felt a flutter of commotion as someone ran breathless up the stairs. The pounding of their feet was the only sound i heard now. Everything was quiet, too quiet. My dads anxious face came clearer in the dark as he walked towards me. Grabbing me by the shoulders he said something i couldn't understand, it was like cotton was stuck in my ears. Shaking my head trying to clear my scattered thoughts his voice came clearer, like turning up the volume on the radio.
"...your sister. Where is she?"
Those five words is what turnes my world upside down. What blurred the lines of right and wrong.
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141,376 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Ooooh this is a lovely place to start things off here. I think it taps into the idea of this terrifying fear that tends to come along with losing something quite well here. It definitely manages to tap into everything quite powerfully, even more so than you'd expect given quite how short this piece happens to be at the moment here.
I think you do a wonderful job especially with the emotions. That actual descriptions and the dialogue is fairly brief but there's enough hinted at here in the little bit that we get to see for it to really create that panicked and rushed atmosphere that you seemed to have been aiming for here an I love that. It immediately lets you know exactly what is happening.
Overall I think you've got the start of something pretty interesting here. Its coming together really quite nicely. It sets the scene quite well an then establishes that emotion nice and early and quite powerfully. I think I definitely find myself wanting to find out more about what's to come here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Kate
Yup i will post a little bit more soon.
I like how it starts in medias res, it grabs the reader. Good job, in this going to be a continuation?
Hey Borntoshop
Rose here, and I really want to say that I love this piece. Short, yes, but descriptive. It's really beautiful. But I'd like to say that maybe you should add just a little bit more. Like how it happened, who did it, etc. Also, I don't really like how you switched tenses at the end there, kinda felt off. Well, Keep up the good work!
~~Rose
Of course right now you can't tell what has happened to the sister. We know something has happened, though, because how would it be a story without it. I think you should have waited to write more to post this, but whatever.
Not a lot of writing, so only a few things:
I suggest changing the bolded corrections. Also, I have no idea what the underlined word is, or what word you meant.
I would delete the underlined "stunned." It just sounds awkward.
I don't think you need the "pricking me." You already describe the sensation as scraping, and then you go and describe it as pricking?
This does not make much sense without the bolded items I added. Also, delete the underlined "er" in "duller."
Since you are telling a story about the past, you would not say "now" here. You should change the sentence to look something like this: Then, the only sound left was the loud pounds of their feet.
Either change this into two sentences: Grabbing me by my shoulders, he said something I couldn't understand. It was like cotton was stuck in my ears.
Or you could write it like this: Grabbing me by my shoulders, he said something I couldn't understand, like cotton was stuck in my ears.
Ew, ew, ew. This does not make sense at all! Here ya go: I shook my head, trying to clear my scattered thoughts. Suddenly, his voice came clearer, like turning up the volume on the raido.
Personally, I suggest deleting this sentence altogether. But, if you wish to keep it, make those necessary corrections.
Your story seems interesting. I have one very major suggestion. Your telling a tragic story. I want to read more emotions. Some one is in her house! I want to get chills and hear their screams. You almost made the story seem happy! You should add more words like, "then" or "next." You are telling a story in a story! You need to describe the narrator running and panting, shaking and quivering. I want to hear more of her/his emotions. I mean, they are the main character, right? Their emotions should be most important.
On the other hand, I really do want to find out what happens next. I will be looking out if you post more.
~Classy
Yea she was kidnapped, hence the title called "The Missing" I only wrote out a little bit last night on the comp but will write more soon.
As a matter of fact, I don't quite grasp what is really going on in the story. What happened to the sister? Did she get murdered or abducted or something?