Published January 1, 2010
If anyone had read any other of my storys, you will find the story "The Missing." The same because this is Peytons ((The girls who got kidnapped)) side of the story.
I was five years old when I was kidnapped. I slept soundly in my bed which was on the second story of my house. Nobody could hurt me in my home… I never thought I would have to shut the windows or lock the doors. Who would climb up the side of my house to get in? Who was that determined? I had opened my window that night because I was hot in my bed; I pushed it out as wide as it could go. I didn’t know then that I had just made it easier for my kidnapper.
I remember opening my eyes to the sound of scraping and heavy breathing. That didn’t bother me though; I had no reason to be scared. Sometimes my brother Will and sister Raea would come in at night, to check on me or to have a ‘sleepover’ they would call it.
“Raea?” I had mumbled sleepily, she didn’t usually make this much noise. She was usually so quite that I didn’t know she had even come in until morning.
“No it’s not Raea, Peyton.” A strange husky voice answered, trying to keep his voice down low. My eyes had flew open with shock hearing an almost strangers voice in my house. But when I could make sense of the darkness and the figure standing in front of me, I wasn’t scared. This was the same man who would watch me all the time, from across the street. He was my friend, I didn’t need to worry.
“George.” I sighed, closing my eyes again. I didn’t know that I should feel scared around him. “What are you doing in my house?” I had mumbled, groggy with sleep. There was shuffling and I could sense that he was closer to me now. I still didn’t feel scared. The soft cool breeze from the open window was blowing across my face making me feel peaceful. I was almost back asleep when he answered my question.
“I’ve come to get you. You can’t stay here anymore.” George had said, he almost sounded angry.
I giggled; I thought he was being silly. He didn’t like the idea that I had laughed at him, I don’t think. I always thought that’s why what he did next. I didn’t know that it had been his plan the whole time.
He wrapped something around my head and tied it up at my throat. I was scared now, everything was black. What was he doing? So I screamed, I screamed as loud and as long as I could. It hurt my own ears it was that loud. George didn’t like that I screamed, he made a strange noise of anger and he hit me over the head with something. A high pitched ring, rung in my ears and I felt dizzy. I think I might have fallen asleep, but I think George might have forced me to full asleep. The only thing I could think of though was – Nobody heard me scream, nobody came.
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I liked it. For some reason, I'm fascinated by stories with kidnapping. I'd like to know more about this story. Hopefully you'll explain some more later on.
I think you did a good job at making this seem realistic. But I think it could possibly be more intense. This is from a first person point of view, so I want to feel what the narrator is feeling. Sure she was panicky when he hit her, but I want to feel it.
Okay that's all the rambling I'll do for now. Keep writing and post more soon!
Thank-you for your help Kamas. Just like to say something though - u said, 5 - you forgot a 'the' between until and morning. If you read that part again - in the story. It still makes sense without the, the. Thats how i ment it to be.
But thanks again for your help.
Hello! Just a quick run through for you before I hit the sack.
So this would be your 'author's note' You may want to make it very separate from your story.
I usually put it in italics and beneath the message I put two little dashes (--) Just for neatness.
1 - No ellipsis (...) This is used to sort of finish off slowly. I don't suggest using it in the middle of a paragraph.
2 - Cut up your paragraphs, it cleans up your piece a lot and makes it easier on my poor eyes.
3 -
I understand what you are trying to say here but it isn't very well phrased. I would suggest something like:
to check on me, or to have something they called a 'sleepover'.
4 - quite should be quiet
5 - you forgot a 'the' between until and morning.
The rest of the story, I'm going to let you run through that. You'll find a few things based on the things I pointed out I hope.
A few storyline comments:
- This happens to quickly, if she trusts this man, she would be confused then frightened immediately. You want to develop into fear more slowly, don't restrict yourself. Taking the time to develop feelings make them that much more powerful.
- There is no character development in this story, beside an idea of the connection between the two characters. For example, you can easily add in a physical description of George when she sees him. Make his appearance harsher to indicate his personality. Like tense lips and a scrunched up forehead revealing wrinkles.
Off to bed with me! Hope that helped a little, happy 2010.
Kamas