Hi everyone. I haven't been on here for years, but yet, it's the first place I thought to post this because I can be anon and get advice. Hopefully. Please. Thank-you.
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I struggle with my weight. If you ask anyone that's close to me, they'll agree that yes, she does complain a lot that she's 'fat'. But it's always been more than just complaining, it's been about believing.
I believe that I'm fat.
If I wear a tight top, I suck it. If I wear jeans, I stand so my thighs look skinnier. When I sit down, I'll cover my lap or cross my legs so my thighs don't spread out and double their size. When I'm around people I'm thinking more about what they're thinking about me than the actual conversation. Especially if I'm in some form of tight clothing.
Mostly the thoughts that are going through my head are (but not limited to) - Suck in your stomach. They're looking at your thighs. They definitely think you look fat. Why would you even decide to wear this? Their gaze dropped, were they looking at my fat rolls?
In reality, they probably weren't thinking any of these questions and instead, thinking about the conversation being held.
Some days are better than others. Some days I might look in the mirror and think, wow you actually look quite skinny today. IF you stand at this angle, hide the tops of your arms and wear these tights that hold in your bum.
Other days, I disgust myself. Those days I won't look in the mirror, I'll wear loose clothing and avoid jeans at all costs. On those days I like to wear dresses that flow, hang and hide everything, and if I can't, when I sit down I make sure that my top is pulled away from my skin and hanging loose. That way if I look fat I can just blame the excess fabric.
I exercise every day. Every single day, sometimes more than once. I bike ride, run, do circuits and swim. If I miss ONE day I feel guilty, as though all my progress will amount to nothing and I would have put weight ON. Just from one day off. I know it sounds absolutely crazy, but I can't tell myself anything else. I actually feel reassured when people tell me, yes you can have a cheat day, no you don't have to work out all the time. The guilt subsides for an hour or two.
I also feel like I'm in a constant battle with myself. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, so the odds aren't in my favour. My body is LITERALLY fighting with me. Every ounce of sugar I put into my body isn't processed as well as it should be, and instead, stored as fat. So with that crushing thought, how could I skip my second run of the day?
I can sadly admit that my weight rules my life. I don't know when it started to, and I don't know how to stop, because whenever I look in the mirror, I'm comparing. I compare myself to everyone skinnier than me and constantly have the mentality that 'oh they must be so much happier and more confident because they're small.' I think that if I lose a few more kg's then I'll look better in clothes and I'll be an all around happier person. Even I can see how sad that is.
Really, I can see that I'm not FAT. I'm not obese or, probably even, overweight but I also don't see myself as skinny. I want to lose more off my stomach, arms and thighs. Then I'll be happy.
But then I think, when does it stop? Because I look back at photos and I can see NOW that I'm a stick but back then my brain was telling me the same thing. Maybe I'm not seeing myself through the same mirror everyone else is seeing me through? If that's the case, how do I change my thinking? It's a never ending cycle.
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The fact that you can look back at photos and see the difference between then and now and acknowledge that you're not that size any more and are probably what you would previously have considered 'skinny' is great! Losing weight isn't about being thinner than anyone else or about how others perceive us, it's about making a decision to be healthier and from what you've described of your exercise routine, it sounds like you've already made it there!
If anything, you may be close to going too far the other way and you should let yourself feel comfortable with having a day off. Think of it as resting your body rather than yourself. Your muscles need time to recover and to mend and become stronger. When we exercise, we're actually breaking muscle tissue so we can re-build it, but you've got to take the day off to let the tissue re-build.
If you need to be doing something on that day off then distract yourself by hanging out with friends or fueling that energy into writing or puzzle books or something that makes you happy.
Also, when you're next with a group of friends and you find yourself worrying over whether they're looking at you and thinking you're fat, force yourself to look up and look at them instead. No doubt they're trying as hard as you to look good and they're wearing pretty earrings or they've put on a green scarf to compliment their eyes; looking good isn't all about what shapes our bodies are and a lot of the time it's actually the things we wear which tell people who we are and what image we want to portray. We see our friends' bodies every day and they become so familiar to us that after a while we only see the things which change: their clothes and their facial expressions/ body language.
I've got this thing about geeky t-shirts and animal earrings - owls, dragonflys, hummingbirds and even dragons. When someone tells me they like my earrings, I feel amazing because that's a conscious choice I've made and something which I feel represents who I am. You can make other people feel better about their bodies by complimenting them on how they look, whether it's how they've styled their hair or what they've chosen to wear, and that can hopefully help them (and you) realise that there's so much more to how we look than whether we're fat or thin.
This is something I really wish I could spread around the world, especially to teenagers because I spent a lot of my high school life hiding in baggy trousers and plain t-shirts because I was overweight. Now I'm an adult I weigh less, yes, but what actually makes me happy is that I wear clothes which reflect who I am and which have nothing to do with trying to hide what my body looks like.
So what I'm trying to say is that it's great that you're athletic and I'm sure a lot of your friends are jealous of how thin you look but maybe we need to try to look at beauty in a wider sense of the word. Some people like blonde girls and some like redheads, some people like tall boys and some like short. Some people like skinny people and others like curvy. Being fat should only ever be a negative thing when someone is unhealthily so and it's a risk to their lifestyle. The rest of the time, it's just a body shape and we all have our own opinions on which look best. That doesn't mean we have to be the one we like to see on other people. I think guys with dark hair and tan skin are really sexy but that doesn't mean I'm going to dye my hair dark and get a fake tan.
Be comfortable with yourself and never doubt that there are people out there who think you look amazing.
I'm so overwhelmed by the incredible responses I've had to this. Thank you for taking the time to reply! It means a lot and you are honestly helping me so much. I understand where you are coming from and I'm %100 trying to change the way I think about myself. It's not going to be easy but I'm going to remember what you've said. Thank you.
No problem! If you ever need someone to talk to about it, my inbox is always open
Heh, this was something I wish I had known way back in high-school. As you get older, you first slowly learn that no one is really thinking about your appearance. Then, as you continue to get older, you slowly realize that they're actually thinking about their own appearance even as you fret about yours! In most social situations, everyone is thinking about two things: (1) the conversation, and (2) whether they look nice. They're too busy critiquing their own appearance to critique yours.
But, if you're worried about your appearance, the biggest thing you can do is to just smile. I'd go so far as to say that usually, appearance is 95% smiling. In fact, I guarantee you that if you step back and think about how you yourself form impressions of other people, that impression is heavily influenced by whether or not the person was smiling. I can also guarantee you that no one is thinking about your weight. If they're thinking anything at all about the way you look (which they're almost certainly not), it's going to be based on whether or not you're smiling!
Regarding fitness, it's important to distinguish between body shape and overall fitness. It's entirely possible to look athletic, but to have terrible cholesterol, clogged arteries, and a bad heart. On the other hand, it's entirely possible to look like a bag of potatoes and be perfectly healthy. Based on what you wrote, I have no idea what you look like, but I'm willing to bet you're perfectly fit. In fact, I'd highly advise stepping it back! I run 5-6 days a week, always leaving at least one day where I rest so as to avoid injury. Indeed, your body needs a day of rest; it allows the body time to heal. Otherwise what happens is the body makes a lot of short-term fixes, which eventually fail (resulting in injury). Also, on that day of rest, indulge yourself! Personally, I prefer donuts. Lots of donuts.
As a quick aside, I actually had a friend back in college who I dated for a short time post-college who had the same syndrome as you. She also worried about her appearance, but honestly, she looked great.
In the end, find something that you can take pride in, and seek that out. Be positive, don't worry about the little things, and try to always be improving yourself by reading, listening, exercising, learning, writing, etc. That last one is going to be increasingly important as you get older. When you're not challenging yourself, the mind begins to degrade. And when the mind begins to degrade, you begin to develop negative & cynical thoughts. But, don't do anything on that day of rest. On the day of rest, lounge out in front of the TV with a bag of donuts.
Thank you! I can't even explain how much your response means to me. You made me smile, and I appreciate that. (Today I made myself have a cheat day - I ate pizza)
Hey Borntoshop!
I have this issue to. I compare myself to people all the time. I always call myself fat and people tell me i'm not but I believe it. I feel you! What I did was I stopped letting my mind get ahead of itself. I would look in the mirror and tell myself over and over "Out not fat, your perfect!" and after while I started to believe it. I stopped comparing and looking and started to just be. I never focused on it I kept myself busy and did not look in a mirror unless I was telling myself that. I kept that though in my mind and thought if that is not what others are thinking them I'm not going to think it either. I think that you should start saying to yourself "I;m not fat, I'm perfect. NO matter what!" Just keep thinking that and don't compare yourself and it should get better. And not not hide yourself. Be proud of who you are. Never forget that.
AshleyDashley
Thank you for relying! I'll take your advice on board & hopefully it helps. Doesn't it suck that we both have to deal with this? Society isn't great.
Hey! Ughhh...I am out of words actually. It seemed like you were telling my tale. I know that we don't know each other but, through your writing I can see your amazingly creative soul. It's not always about the way you look. As you said people always don't think about just that. Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you. Have faith in yourself and Best of luck for the future!! Keep writing!!
Wow, thank you so much. I'm almost welling up here. You're right, it's not always about the way you look, but in this day and age, it's at least 80/20, isn't it? It makes me sad. Thank you for taking the time to read this and reply! I appreciate it so, so much.
Your Welcome!