Please review, say what you thought of this. I'd really like to know!
The gentle lapping of the waves at me feet relaxed my body. Pictures of what had happened kept popping into my head; I just pushed them all away with the loud whooshing of the waves in front of me.
Just take a step forward, step right into the water, and let it take you.
I carefully stepped a little bit further into the waves, determined to get rid of the images in my head, once and for all. I watched as the freezing cold water rushed around my feet, and swallowed them up like an avalanche. Making the black and purple bruises disappear. I listened to the roar of the sea and the squawks of the seagulls above. The sky was black with anger and letting out loud claps of thunder every minute.
Step forward Peyton, the memories will all go away.
I took another slow step forward, letting the water rush around my thighs; I felt the tug of the waves as it hurried back out. It felt like it was telling me to come. I took another step forward; my whole body was numb and stung with pain.
Ignore the pain, keep walking forward.
I took another couple of steps forward until it was up around my neck, the pain was excruciating! But I wasn’t going to turn around now. I looked around me there was no one, no one cared about me.
Go Peyton! Do it! Now!
I took another quick step forward, and then let my body collapse into the water. Letting the pain and exhaustion overwhelm me. The lack of oxygen came fast I was thrashing around in the water. I desperately needed to come up for air. I didn’t want to so I forced myself to stay down.
Don’t come up Peyton! What’s the point?
I could still hear the squawk of the seagulls, and the roaring of the ocean rung in my airs. My body went limp and I was fading away everything was going black; I was finally getting away from everything. I wouldn’t have to look at the scars that lay on my body anymore.
Finally!
I felt something tight wrap around my waist then everything went black.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well that was quite an interesting little story. It seems like a really interesting little prologue that you've got going on here. I would definitely want to keep reading and learn more about this. Its pretty sad that this one never did get finished because I really did want to see what would happen after this point.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that does not sound like the start of something that will end will that much I can see. And of course this is a pretty good choice for an opening paragraph. Definitely establishes a setting and gets you asking a couple of questions like an opening paragraph should.
Well that is definitely not sounding good for out protagonist here. I really like the tone that you've started with here to tell us just how much these mysterious images are bothering this person.
Oooh I love the images that you manage to create in this scene. They feel so real and just do such a wonderful job of letting you know just how bad the situation really is here in this person's mind.
Love that little line there and the formatting you've used for it. Definitely gives it that shock factor it needs and tells you that his mind is actively and desperately looking for a way out.
Some nice description there on his feelings.
Well that certainly appears to be going towards only one conclusion right there and it does not look good for Peyton's future survival.
Well it does usually happen pretty fast. Props to you for getting that one right.
Okay that's not too accurate for a drowning person there....you'll need a lot more burning in the lungs and generally drowning is just a fairly long and painful death, I mean there's no saving yourself after you've breathed in water and there is no near you but you're going to stay alive for a while and hurts to high heaven.
]
Oooh bit of a cliffhanger there. That should be interesting. I would love to know more about what happens but judging by your comment down there I suppose it never did get finished.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this sounded like a really great start and the subtle nods to images and bruises give me a pretty good idea of what Peyton might be trying to forget here and that seems like a difficult but quite interesting path to take. Great Job with the emotions as well.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Just btw, Peyton was going to be a girl.
Just btw, Peyton was going to be a girl.
Just btw, Peyton was going to be a girl.
Guess you won't finish. But since this has no reviews, allow me.
The wave connection doesn't make sense; did the sound of the waves push the memories out? Were the waves themselves represent the thoughts going in and out of your mind? Explain further, it'll strengthen this weak imagery.
Grammar is important here. The sentence starting with "Making", for example, isn't a sentence at all and should be merged with the rest of the previous sentence.
Why would the seagulls be flying in the midst of a major thunderstorm? I'm no bird expert but I suspect that they would all be hidden in some sort of shelter until the storm subsides. Research that.
The description of the sky isn't nearly imaginative enough. Go with the "anger" motif you started; describe it as a human being with human emotions. What was it doing with the anger? How? How did your protagonist see it?
I don't know where this story is leading. You need to include what's going on - as in, why is he walking into the ocean? What happened so that he wanted commit suicide? Who is the voice (is it his own mind tormenting him or some other entity)? Right now, this story is a shell. A shell with fairly decent imagery and description, perhaps, but in the end, still empty.
Hope that helped.