Well, this is the third time I've posted this. Hopefully, it will be the right one. I want to thank you all for your great help, the great reviews and advice. I've modified quite a few things. Enjoy!
Tanya :d
Possessing Maya
Maya ran, branches slapping at her face, bushes snagging the soft cotton of her long white dress. Her heartbeat echoed the sound of her bare feet hitting the ground.
As she felt blood trickling down her cheek and mixing with the sweat pouring down her face, Maya realised in a panic that
her magic was nearly depleted. She needed to stop and rest, but the hunter was close on her heels.
She suddenly felt a stitch in her side and she stumbled to her knees, curling her fists into the dead pine needles scattered on the ground. Her long blonde hair formed a protective curtain around her head as she leaned her whole body weight on her trembling arms.
She was hungry and thirsty and tired but most of all, she was scared. No hunter had ever caught her scent before. No hunter had ever made it this close to her.
When she was able to take a deep breath, she rose shakily, flipping the heavy length of her hair over her shoulder. She looked up and realised she had finally escaped the forest when she was met with the bright blue stillness of the ocean.
The view would have been breathtaking, if she’d had any breath to spare.
For a full precious moment, she inhaled the salty smell of the ocean, tilted her head back and let the breeze cool her clammy skin. She watched the ebb and flow of the gentle tide and realised that if she walked in water, her footsteps would immediately be erased.
Maya strode forward, her eyes on the shoreline. A step before reaching it, she dropped to the sandy beach, screaming.
She twisted her ankle when she landed on it and cried out involuntarily. She immediately tried rising but couldn’t move; her foot was caught in the sand. She tugged on her leg while trying to maintain her weight on her left foot. A feeling of horror crept up and encircled her heart. Her fingers were numb as she tried to pry her foot free while her tears of frustration mingled with the sweat on her face.
She looked frantically around, searching for an escape, feeling cornered even with the wide expanse of the ocean behind her. Maya struggled to free herself while battling with the impossible truth; the hunter had somehow caught her. Had she left her trace anywhere? She silently cursed her bare feet but knew she didn’t have a choice; she needed direct contact with the earth to sustain her magic.
Her weak legs gave out and she fell hard to the ground, a sob escaping her parched lips. Her vision blurred and a fog entered her mind, preventing her from imagining what the hunter would do to her when he caught up.
A sudden voice rang out, over the buzzing in her ears, “Miss? Do you need help?”
Her pain forgotten as she reacted instinctively, Maya rose to a half-crouch, a silent snarl on her lips. A man, who looked barely older than she, stood before her. She eyed him warily, pushing away the feeling of desperation that she’d already been found.
The man’s dark blue eyes studied her with interest as the wind blew a lock of blue-black hair across his forehead. His voice was deep and carried easily over the sound of the surf, “May I be of some assistance?”
Maya wanted to throw caution to the wind and say yes, but it wasn’t in her to trust anyone she just met. But maybe he could yank her free. Maybe he could find something to use as a lever. Maybe . . .
Something sagged inside her and she knew it to be ‘hope’. The stranger could do nothing for her. Better he leave before the hunter arrived and harmed him in the process.
“I don’t need help, I’m simply resting.”
“With your foot stuck in the sand?” A dark eyebrow rose incredulously.
“I- Yes. Now go, thanks for stopping by.” Maya felt like slapping her forehead at her choice of words but she was desperate to be rid of him.
The stranger made to leave, then turned back to her. Her eyes were drawn to his serious gaze and she wondered why he looked so sombre.
“I can’t believe he managed to catch you,” he murmured.
“Wh- Who?” Maya stammered, her breath short.
“My brother, Parker. The hunter on your trail.”
Hating herself for showing weakness but no longer able to support weight on her leg, Maya fell on her good knee and tilted her head back to stare at the man before her. Questions bounced off the wall of her mind. How did he know she was being hunted? Did he know who she was? Was he friend or foe? With a husky voice, she asked, “Who are you?”
“My name is Joshua,” he said, tipping an imaginary hat to her. “And Parker is my twin brother.”
“How do you know I’ve been caught?” Maya said. “What do you know of me?”
“Your foot is stuck in the sand which means he must have caught your footprint and pinned you in place with a knife,” he said, matter-of-factly. He studied her intensely. “As for what I know, not nearly as much as I’d liked to. My family are descendants of a long generation of Time Walkers,” Joshua explained. “But my father wanted out. He didn’t want his kids to live the life he’s lived, forced to jump from one year to another to stay alive. He heard rumours of a being of light, one who could pull all the good or bad energy from the earth to heal those in need. He thought it was a bunch of hosh posh until he met a distant cousin of ours who’d been healed by the being. That’s where my father got a head start.”
Maya nodded slowly. She remembered healing Jeb and his family. She had made him promise to keep her existence a secret but apparently he hadn’t. Which is why she was always on the run; she couldn’t trust anyone.
Without another word, Joshua dug in his right pocket, pulled out a switchblade and walked toward her.
“What are you doing?” she demanded, her voice shaky. He was quicker than she’d expected. She tensed, awaiting the moment where she would strike with all her fear and fury. She’d have to pack one hell of a punch, because she couldn’t dance around avoiding his blows; she was locked in place.
Joshua flipped the blade open and cut through his open left palm. Blood immediately began to seep from the wound. He met her gaze. “It takes blood from the hunter who caught you to release you, yes?” His eyes held amusement in them. Maya nodded. “My brother and I share the same bloodline.” His hand sure, his expression determined, Joshua reached for her and wrapped his bloody hand around her ankle.
She was so shocked that the only move she made was to flinch at the unexpected pressure on her swollen ankle. She was frozen in complete confusion and could not for the life of her sock him for touching her.
Maya heard a popping sound as her foot suddenly shifted in the sand, free of its invisible constraint.
Joshua had freed her!
“So you do.” Maya’s eyes flashed. Until he spoke the words that would bind her to him, her free will was her own to command. Reacting swiftly, she rose, using the pain in her ankle to drive her forward; she lashed out with her nails and raked her fingers across his cheeks, causing deep red welts to form. Instinctively, Joshua slashed his knife at her, but she’d jumped back, out of harm’s way, her fists clenched.
Do it, Maya thought almost eagerly, eyeing the blade. If he tried to harm her, she would be out of his grasp forever. Humans could not harm beings of light. He couldn’t know that, of course; it was the one secret she kept only to herself.
His expression incredulous, Joshua lifted a hand to his cheek. It came away bloody and his eyes met Maya’s. “I am sorry for my reaction; I was simply not expecting you to attack me.” He snapped shut his blade. “Maybe you’ve misunderstood my intent, Maya, but you are free to go.”
“Why? If you have found me and released me, you know what it means to own me?
A strange light flared in his gaze but he said softly, “Do I know that once possessed of you, we gain complete control of what you are, both white and black magic? Yes, I know. But if I hadn’t known, you’d just given yourself away.”
Maya accepted the rebuke. After all, she knew better but this man was unsettling to her. She couldn’t anticipate his next move, couldn’t guess what he was thinking. “Then, why?”
“The last year has taken a toll on my father who finally to old to jump time; he is bedridden. I need your help to heal him and he may live his last years without time walking.”
“Is that why your brother is on my trail?” Maya asked.
“I don’t think Parker’s reasons are quite so . . . altruistic.”
“What do you mean?”
“Time is pressing, Maya. I need to know if you’ll help me and I’ll explain everything on the way.”
Maya thought over his question as quickly and thoroughly as possible but in the end, she knew she’d go. After all, he had helped her, and asked only a favour in return. When she nodded, he reached for her, as if to lift her in his arms, and she jumped back, startled. Pain shot through her ankle, but she bit down on her scream.
Joshua’s voice was gentle as the warm breeze when he said, “If you haven’t healed yourself already, it is that your magic is depleted. I could carry you while you rest.”
And put myself at his mercy? Maya thought. No way. “I’ll manage,” she said stiffly. “Let’s time walk.”
* * *
Parker cursed when he arrived on the sandy beach. Not only was Maya gone, but so was her print, either erased by herself or the ebbing tide. His mind flashed to the dagger imbedded in the ground. How had she escaped? He had been so close!
Parker frowned and studied the footprints on the ground. Some prints were indented in the sand, as if the person had stood there for a long period. Frowning deeper, he crouched and pressed his fingertips to the print. Joshua. His twin’s familiar essence shot through him.
Had Joshua released Maya? The heat of his brother’s betrayal burned inside his stomach. Suddenly, his jaw clenched as he froze.
Had his twin discovered what he’d done?
Nausea leapt up his throat and he broke into a run through time.
* * *
“Now, tell me why Parker is chasing me,” Maya said as they made their way to the mansion where the twins lived.
“My brother is older by a few minutes and that is the only thing he’s done right of his life. I’ve always been better, fast and stronger than Parker and my father obviously favours me.” Joshua opened the door to let Maya in. “That never sat well with Parker who outdid himself trying to gain our father’s attention. As the years have gone by, my brother has become more violent and volatile.” Joshua paused and Maya could see he was clearly upset over his brother’s rage. “A few weeks ago, Parker got into a fight with our father and he struck him.” His voice had gone quiet, flat. “Father was so shocked and scared that something happened to his heart and he’s been unable to move. My mother is inconsolable and terrified that Parker will go even further next time.”
Maya felt her heart leap as she realised Joshua had saved her from being Parker’s next victim. She let her gratitude shine in her eyes as she turned to him. “Enough said; let’s go see what I can do for your father.”
As Joshua led the way to the second floor, Maya noticed how quiet the manor was, which surprised her. It was early
eighteen-hundreds and it was obvious the family was wealthy. Shouldn’t there have been a maid or two caring for the manor?
Joshua led her to a thick wooden door and inhaled deeply. Her heart thudded as she braced herself to meet the man
who’d searched years for her. She wasn’t paying attention to Joshua but Maya hissed when she felt a sting on her arm. Before she could react, he covered her arm with his wounded hand and said, “Maya, you who are a being of pure magic, I claim you for myself.” Utterly shocked, she looked up and met Joshua’s eyes. His face was etched in deep shadows and suddenly, he was foreign to her, his face no longer recognisable. “You will do my bidding whenever I command it, whichever way I command it.”
“No,” Maya whispered, “no!”
“Joshua!” a man’s voice thundered.
Maya’s head whipped to the sound and met a familiar pair of blue eyes. Parker, she thought, and her fear escalated. If Joshua, whom she had tentatively trusted could betray her, what would the hunter do?
She froze. What if Joshua had been the hunter all along? Her mind recoiled at the thought but part of her knew it made sense. It was easier to bring her here on her own two feet than drag her unwilling body along.
Parker pulled a knife from his belt and held it to his side. His stance was menacing and his eyes were fierce as he glared at his brother. “Why did you do it, Joshua? You almost killed our father.”
“Almost is the key word, brother,” Joshua said, a sneer on his lips. “He told me he’d had enough of my shaming him and he was going to disown me. I couldn’t let that happen, of course. I simply decided to show him who’s boss.” The grin of his lips was wicked, frightening. “Now, I’m going to show him the gift I’ve brought him.”He reached behind him, twisted the doorknob, grabbed Maya by the arm and pulled her into the room. His grip was painful and she flinched, her gaze on Parker. Could she depend on him to help her?
She felt Joshua freeze and she looked around the empty bedroom. “Where are they?” Joshua roared.
“In a safe place. I know you Joshua. You wouldn’t have healed him; you would have taunted him with the visions of a time-walk free future, of a normal existence. Then, you would have either killed him or killed her before him.”
Joshua threw Maya to the side and lunged for his brother, swinging his arm and punching Parker in the face. Parker’s head jerked back at the hit but he reacted swiftly, bringing his arm up slashing Joshua across his chest. Joshua jumped back with a yelp, his hand covering his bleeding wound. “Maya!” he snapped, “heal me!”
His words brought a compulsion within her to obey and she rose swiftly but tried to fight it. She didn’t want to heal him, didn’t want to obey. She pushed back the compulsion with every ounce of her will power, yet she stepped forward, slowly, sluggishly.
“Maya, now!”
She jerked forward at his command, raised her hands and set them on his chest, either side of the wound. She heard Parker’s furious battle cry and out of the corner of her eye, she saw him raise his knife and charge. Joshua realised it too, and he grabbed her arms and whipped them both around so that her back was to Parker’s attack. “Stay!” Joshua cried out.
Everything happened so fast. Maya felt Parker’s knife rip into her shoulder and knew she’d just unwillingly saved Joshua from a fatal wound to the heart. Simultaneously, a weight was lifted from her shoulders and she knew that with his command, Joshua had relinquished power over her.
She cried out and fell to her knees, her hand cupping her shoulder. Prying her eyes open, she looked at her wound to make sure no fire was licking it; it burned incredibly. She heard Parker’s sharp intake of breath but as she looked up, she found a smirk on Joshua’s lips; he was proud of what he’d done. Her anger fuelling her energy, she rose, brought the heel of her hand up and struck Joshua on the nose. She heard a satisfying crunch as he jerked back and screamed.
“You bitch!” Blood flowed freely out his nose which made his face gruesome. His limbs were trembling from his fury as he pulled out his switchblade and flipped it open. He charged and in one swift gesture, he brought his knife down, intent on killing her but slipping between them, Parker pushed her away and caught the blow in his back. Parker immediately crumpled to the floor, his spine severed, the knife still protruding.
Maya felt a dark pulsing rage bubbling from the very pit of her stomach as she felt Joshua’s feelings of horror mingling with deep satisfaction. He had just killed his brother and he was proud! Maya’s thoughts swirled angrily and her rage rose swiftly, clawing to the surface and was finally released in a deep, primal cry. She called forth the dark energy emanating from within Joshua, cradled it inside her palms and set it free against its previous owner. It hit Joshua with the full force of both her rage and his darkness and he slammed into the stone wall behind him, snapping his head, before falling to the ground like a broken rag doll.
Maya breathed heavily, choking on the dark energy she could still feel inside her, like a bad taste on her tongue. She noticed Parker lying disarticulated at her feet and immediately her anger evaporated. She opened herself up to all that was good and pure within Parker. She felt his light rise to the surface and enter her soul. She dropped to her knees, and using her own light, created a protective bubble around them both. She cradled Parker’s dark head in her arms and pulled the energy she could feel humming around her, emanating from the land the manor stood on as well as the wildlife surrounding it. She watched the breath of life slowly seeped back into him.
She remained that way for hours, not feeling the pain in her back or the tension in her neck. When his eyes finally fluttered open, she sighed deeply, thankful for her gift. “Thank you,” she said softly. “You saved my life.”
Parker struggled into a sitting position before cradling his neck with his hand. “I think we’re even.” He met her eyes. “Thank you.” He turned his head and his gaze fell upon his brother. “Is he . . .”
“Dead? Yes, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” He pressed shaking fingers to his closed eyelids. “We should have seen this coming. He was always so furious, constantly blaming everyone else but himself for his shortcomings. He shamed my parents at every possible opportunity but they loved him and hoped it was a phase he was going through.” Parker opened his eyes, fixed them on her. “My father feels so guilty to have passed down his Time-Walker gene to us that it was difficult for him to punish us for anything. And Joshua didn’t help the situation; he used any and every opportunity to rub my father’s nose in it.” He turned his gaze to his brother and said softly, “It’s better this way.”
Maya got to her feet, then crouched beside Parker and helped him rise. “Where are your servants?” she asked, trying to distract him.
“I sent them away with my parents. I didn’t want Joshua to use them against me or my parents. I didn’t think he’d get to you before I did. I’m sorry I underestimated him.” His gaze was sombre but sincere.
Maya simply nodded. “Can you lead me to them? I could cure you all but I will need to rest between healings.”
Parker looked shocked. “You would help us?”
“If I can, yes. You had a genuine reason to be looking for me; it isn’t your fault that your brother didn’t share that quality.”
Parker cleared his throat. His voice was caught with emotion as he said, “They aren’t very far from here. It shouldn’t take very long to have us all healed.” He looked down, met her gaze. “Thank you, Maya.”
Again, she simply nodded. She helped him out of the room and down the stairs. Maya thought of the price Parker had paid to save his parents; he had lost his twin brother. She felt her throat tighten at the thought that she had no such friend or family in her life. She shook her head. She was a being of light and there was nothing she could do about it. She would help Parker and his family and take a little time to heal herself.
Then, once again, she would be on the run. Maybe one day she could stop and have a family and friends of her own.
Maybe.
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140,083 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
Okay, so I know I'm not going to be of much help here, but there honestly wasn't anything that I saw that stuck out to me. You have the perfect pacing and believable characters, which is great to read. I noticed a couple of things you cleared up a bit more in this version which improved it (like the beach scene, for one). And your ending is beautiful--I love it. So, great job as always!
Hi, Tanya. Here is your review as requested.
I think somewhere in this paragraph you should describe Maya's feelings when she realises she can hide her tracks by walking in the water. Maybe something like this: Propelled by hope and determination Maya strode forward, her eyes on the shoreline.Okay at first you say she has hope but then she is despairing. Her sudden change of mood was a little abrupt and out of place. Maybe you should reword it something like this: Something sagged inside her and she knew it to be ‘hope’, but she pushed it back, and cursed herself for being so foolish and gulliable.The stranger could do nothing for her.
Who is Jeb? Is that Joshua and Parker's father, or perhaps their grandfather. Clarify, please.
This last part is a bit obvious.
Do you mean embedded?
I think it would be better if you described what it feels and looks like to travel through time.
this kind of sounds arrogant and out of place for Josh's character-or at least who we think he is.
I still think Maya should scream this; it would show her shock more.
” That last part sounds like a more modern way of speaking; it just doesn't sound right for a story that takes place in the 1700 or 1800s.
Overall: Great job,Tanya. You have really come a long way since the first version. Your superb descriptions are even better, Maya and Joshua have more depth, and the story is even more compelling. The only thing I would like to say is I would like to know a little more about Parker. Also, when Parker accidentally wounds Maya, she barely reacts, but she definitely reacts when she injures her foot.All I'm saying is that I think you should describe her pain when the knife wounds her shoulder. But other than those two things, this version is great, and I truly believe you are on the verge of something truly special. Keep writing~Lily.
Back again! Haha
I really enjoyed the rest of the story! It's changed and improved so much since the first version! So far, I like this ending the best. It's sad how Maya must be resigned to her life on the move, but it's obviously how it has to be. I still feel bad for her, though.
The only other nitpick I have:
The wording in this sentence seems off to me. Especially the "when". I would try reworking this sentence so it flows better.
And that's it! Great job and definitely keep writing!
-Lauren-
Thanks everyone! Yes, I'm finally in the right direction!
Okay. I'd started reading this a couple of hours ago, had to stop, and now I'm restarting again
This makes much more sense then the original story where she let him lift her and take her away. If she's such an important being and is always running, that her skepticism (throughout the whole story) is way more realistic
And that's all for quoting. I also like the added fight scenes; you know how much I'm a sucker for those
I just think it weird that Joshua wouldn't think she might try to do anything. Maybe mention she did it like speedy Gonzales style or something, or else he might have anticipated the move.
So that is all to be said. i liked this one much more than the last ones; great improvements!!
xxx
hello, d.f.b. here. okay, first off, i read one of the earlier versions, and i must say that you sure did move a lot of things around. i like this one better tough, especially how you made Parker the good guy, and Joshua the bad guy. and i liked how they all were healed in the end, (well except for Joshua..). you also made this version much more descriptive with the imagery, and what happened in the house was good too. like where she saved Parker. but maybe you describe the characters a bit more, like Joshua and especially Parker. other than that, i totally loved this re-edited possessing Maya story, and i can seriously envision this as becoming a really good fantasy novel, or series. maybe even made into a movie in the future. so keep on thinking, and keep on writing.
Hey Tanya!
My comments are in red!
I've focused on the beginning in this review for two reasons. One, I'm a strong believer in strong beginnings set the stage for strong stories. And two, I don't have a lot of time right now. I do promise to come back and review the rest later. xD
The beginning of a story is arguably one of the most important parts. It sets the tone and hooks the reader. First lines are even more frustrating to work out. A writer can go through a hundred first lines before getting the perfect one. It's just a lot of work, but very very rewarding in the end.
Alright, I'm done rambling about beginnings. I promise to come review the rest later!
-Lauren-
Emma, Pink, thank you!
Your reviews are helpful and appreciated, as usual. I'm so glad that you had only slight nit-picking! yay!
Tanya
Hey Tanya!
Thanks for the Pm, I'll be happy to review for you!
Okay, so I had a review going but then I accidentally deleted it and ugh, I'm so angry! So, I'm sorry if this is short but again, there wasn't much I had to say from the beginning. Your writing is wonderful and I'm in love with your descriptions. I mean, how many times will you rewrite this? lol You aim for perfection, correct? And that is never a bad thing, I mean I wish I could be like you, but I'm that, 'If it's not perfect the first time, it's no good!' type of person. XD
But anyways, after reading this, I came to understand how much you improved from the first one. I could that your flow was a lot better and some wording that I noticed in the previous one was better too. Also, I liked how you altered a couple things here and there as well.
Now, there were a just a tiny bit of nitpicks that I had. Not ones you should take too seriously though.
Maybe I'm being too nitpicky, but I think I'd like the sentence better if it was 'bounced around the walls of her mind'.
You know what, I think I'm being too picky, forget it. Both sentences are fine. It's just a matter of word choice >.<.
Should this be families? or Family is a descendant of..."
Maybe put a dash in between hosh-posh?
~~~
okay, so wow, that was lame. >.<
I never get bored every time I read this, it's really good and you're so clever with the way you think and write!
I like the ending of this one the best, and my I liked the fight scene in this one better too, it had more umm 'bang'? Haha, I don't know. But anyways, you did a great job. *like*
Much love,
~Pink
Tanyaaa!
Yay! I'm first! Second time lucky, huh? I'd done a review but the bloody internet lost it when I clicked 'submit'. Let's just say i am not amused at this current moment in time. Luckily, I had half of it saved, because I didn't get enough time to finish it last night. Bust still. Grrr.
And don't worry about posting it again. It's great to see this story change and grow. C: Although some parts of my review may be compromised 'cause I roughly know the storyline and the "whoa! It's him!" won't really affect me....
Here goes!
Okay, well, it turns out I had done more than I though last night, so I'm happier now. The bit in green, where she brings Parker to life, I thought that was done very well. I liked that part. C: But I can't help feeling at the same time that Parker would still try and ask her if anything can be done for his brother, even if it can't.
Um, what else did I put? Oh, this was certainly an improvement to your first - and you know how much I loved your first one. ;D i loved the added scenes. The fight scene and the one where she attacks Josh - that seems just the sort of thing she'd do if she's been on the run for so long and finds it hard to trust people.
Erm, well. I hope this goes through alright. I think I'll copy and paste it just in case... C:
Happy writing!
~Emma