z

Young Writers Society


16+

Thief of my heart: Chapter 1

by bookworm01


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

1823, London

The carriage rolled to a steady halt. As the liveried footman opened the door, Gabriel Brookhill, the fifth Earl of Manchester, stepped down onto the pavement. He smothered a cough as a soft breeze blew. The air was most foul this night, thick with the stench of sewer waste from the river Thames. His cousin, Derek Brookhill, followed behind.

Gabriel turned to the footman. “Take the carriage around the corner,” he ordered. “We should be done within the hour.”

The footman nodded and left to do his master’s bidding.

Derek sighed blissfully. “I can’t wait to see my lovely Beatrice and her ample charms.”

“For the last bloody time Derek, there will be no tumbling with the wenches,” Gabriel said irritably. “This is not a social visit.”

Derek rolled his eyes. “But one does not come to Eden’s and not tumble with the wenches,” he grumbled. “It’s like taking a beggar to a grand feast and telling the poor fellow not to eat.”

Ignoring his rakish cousin, Gabriel looked up at the building before them.

Constructed from white marble stone, the gambling club stood four stories high flanked by an East and West wing. Six giant corinthian columns lined the front of the entrance, reminding Gabriel of the Partheon temple he once visited in Athens. From his point of view he could see the silhouette figures of men and women through the glass stained windows.

His eyes locked on the single balcony centered at the top of the building. “I assume that’s his office?”

Derek followed his cousin’s gaze and nodded. “Aye, that it is.”

“Well then, let’s not keep the devil waiting. Lead the way.”

As Gabriel followed his cousin up a flight of steps, a trio of squawking randy bucks had the good sense to part like the red sea as he strode through them. One look at the hard lines on his face and the tight set of his jaw must have sent a warning to stay out of his way.

When they reached the landing, Gabriel saw a large formidable man standing in front of the entrance with his arms crossed over his chest. There was a hardness in his eyes that spoke of a man who had seen much grief in his lifetime. At the moment those eyes were narrowed directly at the cousins dressed in expensive suits tailored from Bond street.

They walked toward him. Before Gabriel could speak, Derek stepped forward with all the charm and grace of a natural London rake. The corners of his mouth lifted in a wry grin. “Evening Stone. You’re looking impeccable as always.” He gestured to Gabriel. “This is my cousin, Gabriel.”

Stone lifted a brow as he looked doubtfully at the two men, for their features was strikingly different. Gabriel, who had inherited the Brookhill’s chestnut coloring, was tall and powerfully built with muscular arms and legs. Whereas Derek, who was an inch shorter, was more lean and fit and walked with a cat-like grace. He had dark black hair the color of midnight, and an easy going smile. The only physical trait they shared was their cobalt blue eyes which ran in the Brookhill bloodline.

Stone’s gaze hardened at Derek. “You still owe King money from your last visit,” he accused. He had an Irish accent mixed with a cockney twang.

Gabriel looked at his cousin in alarm. “What is he talking about?”

Derek cleared his throat uncomfortably as he clasped his hands together in front of him. “I may have taken out a loan.”

“How much?” Gabriel asked sharply.

“Not a lot,” Derek said offhandedly. “Just a few shillings here and there.”

“How much?” he barked.

“Thirty pounds,” Stone answered.

Gabriel fought the urge to pummel his cousin right then and there.

Derek pinned Stone with a frosty glare. “That’s why I’m here tonight. I need to speak with King about some sort of arrangement.”

Stone merely shrugged. “Sorry my lord, King’s orders. You’re not allowed to enter until the debt has been paid.”

Derek snorted.“Now see here,” he began as he lifted a finger at Stone.

But he was soon interrupted as Gabriel shoved him out of the way. Time was of the essence. He couldn’t afford to stand out here all night arguing with the doorman. And so, despite his dislike of using his title to gain advantages, this was one of those rare moments when it was deuced lucky to be an aristocrat.“I am Lord Brookhill, the fifth Earl of Manchester,” he declared pulling out his calling card from his pocket. “I have never been to your master’s club in my life, and I owe him nothing. I would like to enter.”

Stone plucked the white card from Gabriel’s hand and held it up for inspection. His brows hitched as he read the cursive words:

Lord Gabriel Brookhill, Earl of Manchester

He handed it back to Gabriel and stepped aside. “Enjoy your evening at Kings my lord.”

“What about my cousin?” Gabriel asked.

“No can do my lord. King will have my head.”

Gabriel shoved his card back in his pocket. “Would two sovereigns change your mind?”

For a moment it looked as if Stone was about to take the offer. But he shook his head. “No amount of money is worth King’s wrath.”

Derek lifted his hands up in frustration and gave his cousin a what-now look.

Gabriel suppressed a groan. This was not part of the plan. The only reason he invited his cousin along was because he had assured him a private audience with King. They were supposed to meet with an informant that would guide them secretly to his office. However, his careless cousin had failed to mention he owed the man money! And without Derek there was no informant. Bloody hell.

“What if I informed your master I will pay off his debt by tomorrow evening? Surely he won’t mind as long as the debt is paid,” Gabriel reasoned.

But like his name, Stone’s features remained impassive. “Unfortunately my lord, King is not a patient man. Unless you have the money ready right now, your cousin is not allowed entrance.”

"The bloody cheek of the man," Derek cursed. “Perhaps another night."

Gabriel shook his head. He didn’t come all this way at midnight for nothing. He would have his meeting with King even if the sky was falling.

"Just wait by the carriage," he ordered. "I'll be fine."

Derek's eyes widened. "Pray tell what am I supposed to do while you're in there?"

Annoyed, Gabriel, pulled out a sovereign and placed it in his cousins hand. "Go to a tavern and have a drink. Meet me back here in an hour.”

Before Derek could protest, his cousin entered the club without him. 

***

As Gabriel strode inside the entrance hall, he turned left and entered to what appeared to be the gaming room. Suddenly his head began to swirl from all the noise and lights, and for a moment he thought he might faint. It was as if the air had suddenly become alive, crackling with wild restless energy.

He sunk back into an empty corner and took in the buzzing activity. Incessant chatter and laughter echoed from the high ceilings down to the plush red carpets. Servants in black and white walked around offering glasses of champagne on trays. Unsavory women clung to the arms of well dressed men surrounding green felt tables; each of them placing bets and wagers, while the dealers shuffled cards in dramatic fashion from one hand to another.

He was beginning to understand why the owner chose the name Eden for his gambling club. Everything from the red velvet wallpaper, to the crystal chandeliers, the gilded framed mirrors, and beautiful handcrafted sculptures was purposely designed to entice and dazzle patrons to stay. And the longer they stayed, the more likely they would fall into temptation like Adam and Eve. Truly the irony was not lost on him.

Straightening to his full height of six feet, he quickly searched for another exit. He saw an entryway far to his left and a pair of french doors across the room. As he contemplated on which way to go, he had failed to notice a blonde woman standing over by the card table. But she had noticed him, and she was most intrigued by his presence. Other than King, she had not seen a man more masculine and virile in a long time. The way he stood with his head held high and his eyes sharp, told her he was not someone who had no time for games. He was confident, handsome, and she was determined to have him. At least for the night.

“Now what will it take for a girl like me, to have a man like you?” she asked seductively.

Gabriel looked down at the woman standing next to him. He had been so engrossed with his surroundings that he hadn’t noticed she had walked over to him. He took in her features. She was pretty, young, and judging by her scandalously low cut gown and wanton behavior, she had to be one of the clubs whores. But Gabriel wasn’t interested in a tumble. Just as he was about to send her away, he suddenly realized that if she worked here, then she would know where to find King.

He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a sovereign. “Perhaps you can help me out love,” he said in a low tone.

She eyed the coin with great interest. “Do tell,” she replied.

“I’m looking for Alexander King.”

The lust in her eyes suddenly disappeared and was replaced with suspicion. “What for?” she asked.

“I’m a business associate,” he lied.

The woman lifted a skeptical brow.

Sensing her reluctance, Gabriel gave her a smile that was meant to set a woman’s heart on fire. “I won’t be long love.” He used the back of his index finger to stroke her bare pale shoulder. “Perhaps when I’m done, we might discuss some business as well.”

For a moment she seemed to be lost in thought as she stared at him. Then her cheeks colored slightly as if she realized she was ogling. “Mr.King would be in his office,” she said clearing her voice. “Fourth floor.” She pointed to the left. “Take the main stairway located at the end of the hall.”

“I was hoping for something a little more discreet. As you know, Mr.King likes to keep his matters private. Is there a back entrance?”

The blonde woman began to chew on her bottom lip nervously, as if facing some internal struggle. Gabriel pulled out another sovereign.

Her eyes lighted up. “I recommend you take the back servants stairs.” She pointed across the room towards the french doors. “Go in that room, take a right past the double doors all the way down the hall, and you’ll find the servants stairway in the kitchen.”

Recalling Stone’s hostile behavior he asked, “Do I need to worry about any bodyguards when I get there?”

The blonde shook her head. “Not tonight. King usually has all his men on the gaming floor in case of a brawl or a rowdy patron.”

Gabriel pulled out another coin and placed all three gold pieces in her hand. “Much appreciated.”

“You didn’t hear anything from me right?” she asked nervously.

“Of course,” Gabriel said assuredly. “Secret is safe with me love.”

As she tucked the coins in her bodice, Gabriel walked away with ardent pursuit. He would never know that she was silently cursing the woman that would snag his heart forever.


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485 Reviews


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Sun Jun 25, 2017 4:24 pm
Elijah wrote a review...



Hey there, Eli here to give you a review from Team Marlins on this lovely review day!

The story was catchy, two men with not so simple task that is still mostly unknow, their journey and many interesting twists meanwhile. It made me catch my breath and want to read the second chapter of it.

One of the things I love is that you do not miss a chance to add in some details. From their looks to the way they walk. Many writers think of the scenes too much and do not tell us anything about a thing around the characters. They can make us, readers, hyper for the action scenes, for the tragical moments, but in the end we find the characters emotionless and kind of fake, like one poor made movie in which the actors just can not do their job right. But in your work I found some soul to it, some feelings to it. It was a sweet add up to tell us how different the two personas actually are. We need a good cop and a bad cop in our sweet story after all. Overall, I think you understood what I am digging in your work. I am happy to see something new that caught my eye so well. My complains are minor and can be easily edited. You have the perfect grammar, vocabulary are perfect. But there is nothing totally perfect. Your mistakes are the ones that are the simplest, the ones who are the smallerst and easiest to prevent. Well, not like I bash you or anything. It is happening to everyone.


Evening, Stone.

“Enjoy your evening at Kings, my lord.” (also found in other sentences)

Annoyed, Gabriel, pulled out a sovereign and placed it in his cousin,s hand.

she had to be one of the club's whores.


He would never know that she was silently cursing the woman that would snag his heart forever.

This one I just want to be sure of, the concept not any other mistake. So who is cursing which woman that will snag his heart? Is the whore who he talked with the one who will steal his heart? Or someone else? Or did you mean 'he cursing the woman' instead?


Keep on writing!




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Sun Jun 25, 2017 12:08 pm
CharlotteS wrote a review...



Hey there! Charlotte popping in for a review.

Firstly, I would like to say that this piece was very interesting. It kept me captivated until the very end and it captured my imagination. The characters were interesting and were built realistically.

Now the nit picks.

Firstly I would like to now more about the back ground of the characters. This is the first chapter and yet I don't know why certain characters took loans, or why the girl fell for Gabriel so quickly.

Secondly, there are a few commas that you missed but editing will clear up the problems. If you take the time to edit, re edit, micro edit and macro edit then you will find that there will be no grammatical problems in your writing. I'm not saying you don't edit but in my opinion one can never edit too much.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and look forward to reading more from you in the future.




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Wed Jun 21, 2017 1:59 pm
Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there! MJ dropping by to help clean the green (room)

A couple of nitpicks first:

“Enjoy your evening at Kings, my lord.”


“I won’t be long, love.”


Recalling Stone’s hostile behavior, he asked,


Now, to the actual substance of your post:

To be perfectly honest, I didn't really like the ending. The plot built up like Gabriel was about to go confront King about his cousin's debt, but then it concluded with a romance that was only introduced in the last few paragraphs. It didn't seem to really conclude the first chapter all that well, and it was a sudden change from the previously professional tone that had been used to describe his informant.

Other than that, I liked the writing used in this piece. It used more formal words and phrases that made it seem regal and more important, like time had been put into each word, which is something every author strives for. It also had a nice movement and didn't info-dump while providing enough information. m

And as a final piece of advice, it seems like Stone and King both overreacted to the debt that needed to be paid. 30 pounds isn't a lot of money, and the way they were discussing it, it seemed like they were threatening Derek's life. It doesn't seem like it would be worth the effort, both for the murder and the necessary cover-up, to get 30 pounds.

Overall, I really enjoyed this piece because of the formal tone and also because of the well-thought-out action and constant movement. The reader can understand where everyone is and the backstory while also feeling that consistent speed as the main characters come up with daring plans to try and achieve their goals, which always have a good purpose behind them. I can't wait to read the next chapter! Until then, keep writing :)

Best wishes,
MJ





The important thing is never to stop questioning.
— Albert Einstein