Mary rested her head on her hands and gazed out the car window, thinking about Trey, and trying to ignore her mother's scolding. Like sun piercing through a fog, her mother's voice came through.
"Mary Louise Taylor, I simply don't know what to do with you! What were you thinking, running away like that? And staying with that awful boy!" Her mother shuddered with the memory, then glanced over at Mary. "MARY!!!! Are you even listening to me?"
Mary rolled her eyes and said, "Trey is not awful, and he was nicer to me than you are!" Her mother ground her teeth, but Mary wasn't listening. Her mind drifted to Trey and the first time they had met. When she had run away. . .
She was stuck in thorns with her pack of supplies on the ground - hey, no one had told her that running away was hard - when he had showed up. "Need some help, girl?" he asked kindly, taking in everything about her. She blushed, then nodded. "Man, he was hot!!" she thought. He walked over, helped her out, and said seriously, "You're running away."
She looked up surprised, "Is it that obvious?"
He rolled his eyes, "Not many girls carrying a heavy Army bag come into my forest. Come on!"
She blushed again and whispered, "Can I stay?"
"In the thorns, no; but with me, yes. Follow me."
As Mary struggled to keep up with him, she looked him over, surprised by her own interest. Normally, she didn't care about boys, even if she was 15, but he was different. He was very tall and tan. He was muscular, looking like a panther. . . like Rhett Butler in Gone With the Wind. . . well, only the panther-like part. His beach-boy haircut was streaked blond and framed a face that looked almost angelic in its beauty. He walked through the forest silently and quickly, full of power. Mary, however, crashed through the forest, half running so that she wouldn't lose him. She asked him, "Who are you? What are you doing here? And why do you call it your forest?"
He stopped, turned around, and waited for her to catch up. "My name is Trey; I live here alone-" he struck a lordly pose "-as king of this forest."
Mary snorted, "What - like Tarzan."
Trey rolled his eyes. "No, not like Tarzan. What about you? What's your name?"
"I'm Mary, Mary Taylor"
He smiled, "Well, Mary Taylor. Welcome to my forest." He bowed deeply.
Mary looked at him. "Why do you live here alone? Why do you keep calling this place your forest?"
He looked seriously at her, "If I tell you will you tell me why you ran away?"
She hesitated then said, "Yes. . . but you first!"
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Wow! I really like this story. It is short, but it's obviously a beginning. I hope you add more of this story on soon! I really like this character, Trey. He seems like someone I would really like. Haha I would deffanitly follow him into his forrest! You can really connect to the characters. I am so hooked to your story! please post more soon!
it seem interesting.
i have to read more to understand was is going on though.
i hope you put another piece soon.
booklover-
Hehe. Mary. {my own name.}
Anyway, how did her mother find her in the first place? And how is Trey awful? And why did Mary run away? I like to know the reason. Was her mother being rude or mean to her, for Mary to run away? There wasn't a lot of detail on the forest scenery. Show what they look like. Is there snow on them from Winter? Or is the leaves falling down from Fall?
This sentence:
He was very tall and tan. He looked very strong.
felt liked you told us then showed. Maybe: His muscular, tan body walked through the forest silently and quickly. Or something like that.
And last, how is the forest, Trey's?
Otherwise PM me when you post up chapter 2. Knowing this is 'The Lost Lover Chapter 1'.
-Merry
Hi. So we all know that Mary is a young teenager-that should be obvious-but what else? Maybe when she first see's Trey you can kind of describe him more...not like in al ot of detail because you now give the reader the chance to imagine someone they like. However, you can descirbe how low his voice is or how muscular he is.
Other things, Why is she running away? obviously her mother isnt the nicest woman around, but maybe she is just being protective. I dont know.
All in all, you are writing a really good story. Keep it up.
All I did was copy/paste. Corrections are in bold.
Slip in some detail describing your character, appearance and personality wise. All that together makes a story work.
Mary rested her head on her hands and gazed out the car window, thinking about Trey, and trying to ignore her mother's scolding. But, like sun piercing through a fog, her mother's voice came through.
"Mary Louise Taylor, I simply don't know what to do with you! What were you thinking, running away like that? And staying with that awful boy!!" her [capital “h” on “her”] mother shuddered with the memory, then glanced over at Mary. "MARY!!!! Are you even listening to me?" [start new paragrpah here] Mary rolled her eyes and said, "Trey is not awful, and he was nicer to me then you are!!" Her mother ground her teeth, but Mary wasn't listening. Her mind drifted to Trey and the first time they had met, when she had run away. . .
She was stuck in thorns with her pack of supplies on the ground when he had showed up. "Need some help, girl?" he asked kindly, taking in everything about her. She blushed, then nodded. He walked over, helped her out, and said seriously, "You're running away." She looked up suprised, [surprised] "Is it that obvious?" [start new paragraph] He rolled his eyes, "Not many girls carrying a heavy Army bag come [“coming” instead of “come” here] into my forest. Come on!" [new paragraph] She blushed again and whispered, "Can I stay?" [new paragraph] "In the thorns, no. With me, yes. Follow me."
Okay, this is kind of more like a prologue than a first chapter. Maybe even an introduction. But it isn’t long enough to qualify as a chapter. There isn’t really enough information to understand exactly what is going on. All we know is that she ran away and her mother doesn’t like this boy named Trey. That’s really it. You have to give us more insight into the story besides that.
Also, whenever a new person talks, you have to start a new paragraph. I noticed that you didn’t do that so just keep that in mind for the future.
Besides that, I really have no other advise besides to expand. You really need to lengthen this out, give us something to work with!
Hope this helped
[quote="Sakah"]This looks like a really interesting story, but I think the first chapter needs a lot of back story to explain a few things. Why did Mary run away in the first place? How old is she? Where was she when she met Trey? What kind of girl is Mary? Does she think things through or make rash decisions?
but I looooved the title
Good luck with this story and I hope the chapters will be a little longer ^-^[/quote]
I madly agree
This looks like a really interesting story, but I think the first chapter needs a lot of back story to explain a few things. Why did Mary run away in the first place? How old is she? Where was she when she met Trey? What kind of girl is Mary? Does she think things through or make rash decisions?
Good luck with this story and I hope the chapters will be a little longer ^-^
I really like that last line
Over all, it's pretty good. Just work on spacing it out more. In general, when a new person is talking or doing an action you should make a new paragraph. Like in the first paragraph the mother is talking, when it shifts to what Mary does (rolling her eyes) and then talking, that should be a new paragraph.
You should definitely continue this
I don't think you seemed like a big bad wolf; I completly agree with your review and I'm not going to go back and change mine because it would be dishonest. I'll pay closer attention next time.
Hi.
First thing that struck me was that it's really short for a chapter. Can it be longer next time?
Another thing is that you chose to right the present in italics and the past in non-italics - it's usually the other way round. Then again, there are no definite rules on that, so it's entirely up to you.
Some Nit-Picks
Never put two exclamation marks. That's bad grammar. Just one suffices, no matter how loudly she's saying it.
That 'her' should be capitalised but it's not, for example, ' "Yes," said her mother.' It's a new sentence.
A new person speaking so it should be a new paragraph.
This needs re-working. You have the dialogue of both of them in one paragraph. The rule is: a new para for each person speaking.
All in all
Hmm... no offence but there were faults everywhere. Mainly all down to bad grammar. But saying that, it was sweet and has potential if you try a bit harder next time.
Hope I haven't come across the big bad wolf here.
Hi. You've told me the (basic) rest of it on the phone but I don't remember it. Don't bring your brother to the library next time--he's an awesome little kid but, as you said, he's a pain to go anywhere with and he'll distract you from the story.
Try not to start a sentence with a conjuction because, although it's fine for effect, it isn't for grammar. A conjuction is a connecting word, not a beginning word.This is too short to be a chapter. Try making it a prologue.
Same thing here. It wouldn't make any sense to combine it with the previous sentence so I suggest rewording it differently, somehow. I can't think of a way to reword it at the moment, otherwise I'd give you a suggestion on how to do it.
Then should be Than.
This sentence is too rushed. Try slowing it down a little.
Most of the time, lines like that are annoying. This time, for some reason, it isn't. I have a suggestion for you though: "In the torns, no, but with me, yes. Follow me."
Characters
We know a little bit about Mary by saying that she likes Trey (She likes boys) and she disobeyes her Mother's orders () but not much about anyone else. We obviously know that her mother is a minor character and that Trey is one of the other main characters but that's about it. Mary sounds like me a little like me and somewhat, like you. Tell us more about the characters: Does Mary disobey her mother often? Why? What about her mom? Why is she so hard on her? Does Trey live in the forest and if he does, why? Answer at least those questions in Chapter 1 and I'll go find a site that'll give you better character names since you asked for it when I last talked to you.
Plot
All I can say about this is that you need to expand on this more. If you're going to have the rest of Mary's first encounter with Trey (which you should), go into more detail about what happens. If there's going to be a plot twist, surprise us; don't let us see it comming.
Suggestions and Overall Comments
Keep up with the good grammar; I know it's possible with you but work on not starting a sentence with a conjuction, if it's avoidable.
Talk more about the characters in the first chapter.
Explain why she ran away. (If she hadn't run away, she never would have met Trey and that's a big part of the plot)
Expand about Mary and Trey's encounter because it's a big part of the plot and everything (from what I've read and heard) else is centered around it after this prologue.
Call, e-mail, PM, etc for anything at all.
-alwaysawriter
this is very interesting..(good way)