Chapter One: Cove

November 18, 2016
Novel / Chapter: Science Fiction, Narrative
7 comments (6 reviews)

I was the King’s son. Everyone assumed that I hated my family out of spite. He’s rebellious, they’d say. Just a spoiled teenager.

I tried to tell them what was really going on, but my father was always there. His hand is on my shoulder in every official photograph. The gesture looked loving to the press, but it was really to remind me not to mess up. If I said one thing out of line…

Well, let’s just say my nightmares started for a reason.

Tonight, on my fifteenth birthday, I’m running from all that. There’s no moon tonight, which is good. The cameras probably recorded me as I left, but if I hide in the ruins long enough, everyone will think I’m dead, and I can start a new life.

It’s early October; the air is kind of cold, but I was in too much of a hurry to grab a coat, and I’m not about to go back. In fact, I’d rather die than step inside those walls again.

I reach the ruins—cracked stone, twisted metal, and charred wood. Even I know the story behind them: Our ancestors built a great city. The buildings reached the clouds, the people covered their clothing in jewels, and poverty was eliminated.

Then our president—I think he was like a king, but with less power—refused to help Cuba win a nuclear war. Their supply of bombs was rather limited, but they had enough in their arsenal to destroy the continental United States.

Finally, out of the ashes, a noble survivor created a new and better government. (Disclaimer: That’s straight from my History of the New Decree textbook and I disagree with all of it).

The night passes slowly.A noise cuts through the air; I jump to my feet.

They’re coming, it’s too late to run, I don’t know anything about fighting—

It turns out to be a raccoon. The creature’s dark eyes lock on my face, and it walks away.

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Points: 254163
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Tue Jun 01, 2021 8:13 am

KateHardy wrote a review...

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this sounds like a really interesting story...for a first chapter this is really good and ticks almost all the boxes that you expect from a first chapter...and it just generally seems like this could be quite an awesome story...well...more details on all that down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I was the King’s son. Everyone assumed that I hated my family out of spite. He’s rebellious, they’d say. Just a spoiled teenager.

Well...when you start a story with a line like that you know something horrible is going on behind the scenes in that particular family...it certainly doesn't look like it could be anything good judging by this. This also presents a lot of good questions and does a pretty good job getting your attention as a reader.

I tried to tell them what was really going on, but my father was always there. His hand is on my shoulder in every official photograph. The gesture looked loving to the press, but it was really to remind me not to mess up. If I said one thing out of line…

Well, let’s just say my nightmares started for a reason.

Yup, if the first paragraph didn't tell you enough this part will definitely tell you that behind the scenes of this particular royal family, some truly horrible things might be lurking that no one wants the public to find out and well...that certainly does make this a really exciting, especially considering the way they mention nightmares...nightmares about thing certainly don't mean anything good at all.

Tonight, on my fifteenth birthday, I’m running from all that. There’s no moon tonight, which is good. The cameras probably recorded me as I left, but if I hide in the ruins long enough, everyone will think I’m dead, and I can start a new life.

Well that seems like a plan...also pretty exciting start we have here...the first chapter starting with someone trying to run away from a horrible life and of course you find yourself immediately curious and wondering whether you should be rooting for them. Also seems like an interesting plan to allow people to rule them out as dead...it definitely sounds like a really good plan for the long term, but executing it doesn't sound easy by any means.

It’s early October; the air is kind of cold, but I was in too much of a hurry to grab a coat, and I’m not about to go back. In fact, I’d rather die than step inside those walls again.

Well...chilly air is not a good sign at all that this will be a successful escape but...considering the reasons there for not wanting to run back into that, you can't blame them for preferring to freeze to death rather than go back for a coat.

I reach the ruins—cracked stone, twisted metal, and charred wood. Even I know the story behind them: Our ancestors built a great city. The buildings reached the clouds, the people covered their clothing in jewels, and poverty was eliminated.

Oooh...well, now this appears to be set in the future perhaps...judging by what this is trying to tell us, either that or it was some kind of paradise from a time long past...hmm...well the whole king business along with buildings reaching clouds and metal make this is a really interesting thing to try and pinpoint a time for...xD

Then our president—I think he was like a king, but with less power—refused to help Cuba win a nuclear war. Their supply of bombs was rather limited, but they had enough in their arsenal to destroy the continental United States.

Hmm...okay...well I can finally place the time somewhat new, mentions of nuclear attacks and presidents certainly help narrow things down here..xD..well this sounds like a really awesome setting at the moment, which just makes this even more fun to read right away.

Finally, out of the ashes, a noble survivor created a new and better government. (Disclaimer: That’s straight from my History of the New Decree textbook and I disagree with all of it).

Well...that is pretty much how History goes, the winners get to write the story so they always cast themselves as the heroes and the losing side as the villains....so you never quite know which side was actually the bad guys.

The night passes slowly.A noise cuts through the air; I jump to my feet.

They’re coming, it’s too late to run, I don’t know anything about fighting—

It turns out to be a raccoon. The creature’s dark eyes lock on my face, and it walks away.

Oooh....well that could've been a terrible cliffhanger there but then the racoon reveal...xD...ahh..well on one hand its a really funny coincidence considering we have a racoon friend of our own over here that pops up randomly...but on the other hand I feel like it ruins what could've been a seriously powerful cliffhanger there...I feel like for a first chapter ending with the previous line would've been a much better choice...but ehh..that's what I think. xD

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this seems like a pretty solid first chapter to start a story on, it has a couple of kinks but those can easily be worked out.

...Anyway...that's all I've gotta say here for now.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Points: 4007
Reviews: 117

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Sat Nov 19, 2016 5:53 pm

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crossroads wrote a review...

Hi!

I'm gonna be typing this as I go through it, and then wrap up with some general comments.

I tried to tell them what was really going on, but my father was always there. His hand is on my shoulder in every official photograph. The gesture looked loving to the press, but it was really to remind me not to mess up. If I said one thing out of line…

Well, let’s just say my nightmares started for a reason.

I would like to know more about this, because the way you open the story doesn't make sense to me. What made the "everyone" from the first line assume that the MC hates his family, or to consider him rebellious, if the MC's father made sure that kind of behaviour doesn't appear in public?
I like how you established that the king controls his son, and I'm guessing as to how he's going about it because it gave the MC nightmares. I don't think you should spell out anything more there, but there is room to expand the intro. For example, what did/does being the king's son entail? Perhaps if you told me about that in his voice here, I'd be able to see more of his character than what the others say about him.

Tonight, on my fifteenth birthday, I’m running from all that. There’s no moon tonight, which is good. The cameras probably recorded me as I left, but if I hide in the ruins long enough, everyone will think I’m dead, and I can start a new life.

I thought this was a pretty good way of letting us know the story is happening in modern time (or the future), along with the mentioning of photographs and press in the intro.

It’s early October; the air is kind of cold, but I was in too much of a hurry to grab a coat

This part threw me off a bit, because up until now I thought he had planned his escape at least to some degree. Was it more of a spur of a moment kind of decision? If it was, I'd like to know what pushed him into running off at this precise moment, even if it was just about the guards looking the other way or something simple like that.

The next part, his retelling of history, borders on being an info-dump. There's some voice in there stopping it from reading like just dry facts, but I think you could play with it more. Your MC is escaping, not only running from home but also from a life he'd lived so far. How does this affect him right now? I'd like to see some more insight, maybe flashes of thoughts or short memories of whatever prompted him to leave. Perhaps even short memories of when he saw the ruins before (which I'm assuming he has), or how he was told about it rather than what some book says about them.

(Disclaimer: That’s straight from my History of the New Decree textbook and I disagree with all of it).

^ That is exactly what I'm talking about. Don't tell us he disagrees with it. Show us through the way he's talking about it, the thoughts he connects to it. You should never need disclaimers to tell the reader how the character feels, not even in a humorous way, not even in first person.

It turns out to be a raccoon. The creature’s dark eyes lock on my face, and it walks away.

The ending feels rushed, the passing of time barely noticeable. We don't even have time to process that something might be happening, we barely get a sense of danger, and then suddenly, it's over, and there is no danger at all. It reads like short journal notes someone made after all this took place, but for some reason in present tense.

Don't be afraid to go into more details and explore the depth of the character's POV. This chapter is short: you have room to expand it by adding more voice to it. What's your MC like? If you had to come up with three or five adjectives to describe him, what would you go with? You don't have to tell me the answer— just show it in your writing.

I see there's a second chapter up, so I'll be jumping over to that now!

-CoN

Points: 25891
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Sat Nov 19, 2016 3:41 pm

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Steggy wrote a review...

Hello, Steggy here for a review!

I'd first like to say welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy it here. I think you have a nice idea here for a novel but you didn't start off quite right. Like, I want to know a background to the heir to the king before he escapes and such. Why does he want to escape? I understand that he escaped before of the publicity that his father was getting but there could be some more reason as to why he ran away. I think you might want to expand more on the reasons as to that.
Another thing I would mention might be the way you started off this chapter. I liked it because of the inner form we see in most teenagers today, so I applaud for that. It just seems this whole chapter kinda varies in interesting things (which isn't bad but could be improved). For example, the end. I feel as though there should be something more within that. It just cuts off and leaves the reader hanging. Sure, it does give that feel of suspense but we are just flying through air without any form of protection from the fall. I think in this case extend more of the end into more detail. With detail, anything's possible.
Relating back to this chapter, in my opinion, it is too short. We don't get enough detail to continue on to the next (which I skimmed over before coming here) and it seems there seems to be a bridge of what is yet to come. It's confusing though the police chef does find the lost prince and such.

I tried to tell them what was really going on, but my father was always there. His hand is on my shoulder in every official photograph. The gesture looked loving to the press, but it was really to remind me not to mess up. If I said one thing out of line…

There is some misuse of proper verb agreement or you are using the wrong tense for your verbs. A suggestion I give in almost every review would be re-read your work. It helps in the long run and will continue to help you in whatever you are writing. I'm sure you'd have some bumps along the way but you can smooth it out.
Anyway, back to what I quoted. As I said before, I noticed some disagreement in tense. What I mean by that is this whole section feels like a variation between past and present. It's confusing when read and probably will be as the reader continues reading.

I try to tell them what as really going on... but my father was there with a hand on my shoulder. The gesture was supposedly "loving" towards the press but it would remind me of how I messed up...

The cameras probably recorded me as I left, but if I hide in the ruins long enough, everyone will think I’m dead, and I can start a new life.

Rebellious teen spirit. Ah yes.

Though, if someone wanted to gone to start a new life, they would have to be out longer than just ten minutes or so.

t’s early October; the air is kind of cold, but I was in too much of a hurry to grab a coat, and I’m not about to go back. In fact, I’d rather die than step inside those walls again.

There shouldn't be a semicolon after October. A semicolon is used to link two independent clauses that have the same thought or idea. Now, people do this without thought. There will be some nights in October where the air is warm or cold. I think what you should have instead of the semicolon is continuing on with the sentence. It seems that the whole sentence right off the semicolon, relates back to October.
The next part I'd like to talk about would be the "but I was in too much of a hurry to grab a coat, and I’m not about to go back. In fact, I’d rather die than step inside those walls again" part. It seems like a runoff with a period. As I mentioned before, reread your sentences. What I think you should use here would be something like this:

I was in too much of a hurry to actually grab a coat and if you think I'm going back to that hellhole, you are sorely mistaken.

Or something similar. The main character seems to have a strong "rebellious" feeling towards this castle or his father, which is common.

I feel like you should describe the ruins more. From what I was reading, it seems like an ancient civilization then it reaches this line: "refused to help Cuba win a nuclear war" and I'm suddenly confused. What time period is this set in? I think that might help if you had that in the beginning. I'm thinking more into the future (what you mentioned before with Cuba, could be the Cuban Missile Crisis but I'm not to sure. That's an important piece of information for those that are reading it. Also, where is this taking place? I think in chapter two, you mentioned a "kingdom" of some sort and I think that has something to do with England, but I don't think they had anything to do with the Cuban Missile Crisis.
Another suggestion I could give would be research then write. Writing dramatic scenes could be one. Finding proper facts is another. There are tons of articles that can help you with your writing.

Finally, out of the ashes, a noble survivor created a new and better government. (Disclaimer: That’s straight from my History of the New Decree textbook and I disagree with all of it).

The disclaimer, in my opinion, doesn't need to be there. It is more of an A/N (author note) because it is your own opinion. In most writings, it is never a good idea to release your own opinion unless it is the type of writing you are doing. In that case, I think it might be better if you just had this at the end or in the beginning.

The night passes slowly.A noise cuts through the air; I jump to my feet.

As a couple of reviewers said before, there should be a space after the period. Another thing I noticed is this single sentence could be expanded/reworded better. For example, this is a similar thing you could do:

The night comes slowly. Nothing exciting happens for awhile then again, why would anything exciting happen in a ruin. Until the raccoon came.

That's just an example of what you could do.

Anyway, this was a nice little read. I did enjoy the character because of his feelings towards his parents. I think though, as said before, expand more onto this chapter and those yet to come. Readers love detailed backgrounds. It makes us feel sorry for them in the long run until of the very end. It gives us a reason to be happy. To cry along side with them. That kinda stuff.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask!

Steggy

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Sat Nov 19, 2016 3:04 am

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jesseeb98 says...

Wow! Love the suspence! This is a very interesting story and I'm excited to see where you go with it. I love how it seems to be set in the future and how it's told in the persective of a boy.

Points: 27
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Fri Nov 18, 2016 11:16 pm

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HollywoodUndead wrote a review...

The introduction to this story was short and sweet. Giving the readers just enough information to want to know more. I just think that the ending is bit flat. It's anticlimactic. Because he gets so hyped up about to fight, but it's a raccoon that just walks away. That's the only thing that didn't fit too well with this. Can't wait to read more.

Points: 4553
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Fri Nov 18, 2016 10:20 pm

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pendr wrote a review...

Hi there! I'm so glad to be here reviewing this! I really enjoyed this little introduction. It hooked me, made me want more. I really like how you implement the history of their world and connect to our world today, too. It's awesome to imagine our world approaching a turning point in history and taking a completely different route than it did.
There's only two details I didn't think worked well.

"The night passes slowly.A noise cuts through the air; I jump to my feet."
I think the transition here is poor. You go from the night passes slowly, which makes us think that it's now morning, to a sudden noise happening. There's no connection between the two happenings, no transition or flow between them. This can be fixed easily by adding a little more description or a transitional sentence.

The second thing is that the end is so sudden and random. It's just "Oh, a raccoon. Oh, bye raccoon. The end." I don't think that's a good place to end the chapter. I think you should add more emotions or thoughts here.

Overall, though, I really did love it! I can't wait to read more and see where you take this unique story!
-Pendr

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Fri Nov 18, 2016 6:42 pm

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Featherstone wrote a review...

Hey! Feather here to review!

First off, I don't see any grammatical errors, which is always awesome. I only caught one punctuational one: "The night passes slowly.A noise cuts through the air; I jump to my feet." You forgot a space.
I love how you leave us hanging on what it is the King is doing by avoiding details, but it is obvious he is up to something...well, let's just say not so nice. And that line "Well, let's just say my nightmares started for a reason." is really great- telling us just a tiny tidbit to get us hooked. (It worked!)
You also give some background without making it too long or wordy, so you don't lose the reader.
All together, really nice job! Keep writing!

Good luck,

Featherstone9086

BeTheChange says...

Thanks.

Young Writers Society

Chapter One: Cove

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