Published April 8, 2010
Dear Dad,
How is it going? I have been away from home since spring of last year and I haven't heard anything from anybody since then. Is Carly going to Harvard? Was she their class valedictorian? I bet she is, she's the cleverest girl I knew. And Gio, how was the little guy? Still on that league, eh? Tell him to hit a home run for me.
And Mom, how was her athritis? Hope she's fine and all.
I miss home and I miss everybody. But i bet you wouldn't want me to come back just yet. I know that you are still a disappointed with the decision I have made. I am happy with the path I chose and I do not regret making the choice. I love you Dad, but I have own life to live. I know that despite your disappointment, you still understand me and waiting for me to earn the proof that choosing this path is not a waste of effort.
A friend here told me that understanding would come to those hearts who are at peace. I am at peace here, and though I am miles away from home, I am home. I've nevere felt more at peace my entire life. The people here made me realize the true essence of living is not what I have achieved but by what I have been. I believe I am serving my purpose right now and I couldn't have done better. God is with me and within me.
Dad, you are the coolest guy I know and you are still my idol. Things may be way different from what you wanted it to be but I know soon you would understand.
I love you guys and always be safe!
Ned
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141,440 Literary Works • 674,431 Reviews
Hey,
Maybe I'm weird or something, but I don't get it. Is this something that happened to you? Did you find this letter? Is it the beginning to another story? Or am I just over-complicating things? Your grammar has been done and the only problem I had was what the point of this was. That sounds harsh. I mean that in a not mean way xD. Try fixing that to tell us more, because we, the readers aren't getting anything out of this piece and getting something out of the work is the sign that you have a good piece. This has potential, but no conflict, no resolution, no real story. Fix that
~Jasmine Bells
Hello bookgeek,
However, your plot and idea is nice but there are some general mistakes. I am editing it and my edits and suggestions are in bold.
Also, take care of the words and letters, at some points I have noticed sentence starting with small letter, you know that first letter of first word of a sentence should be capital(caps on).
That is all I found out of your story. Plot and ideas are great, keep trying... Hope I helped.
Hey bookgeek.
Instead of writing 'spring of last year', you can change it to 'last spring'.Despite whatever others have said, I liked it. It gave me a neat feeling. I agree with ofir though that the concept wasn't different but I liked the way you made it into a letter. There were some typos heree and there, some small grammar mistakes but overall it was great. If you're going to continue with it then be sure to tell us what Ned actually took and what happened before it. You might wanna add a letter by his father as the reply to this one.
It should be,: ANd Mom, how has her athriritis been?
Either you remove the a before disappointed or squeeze in little between them.
This line is perfect and a favourite of mine.
I hope you do have something else to add into this piece.
Have a great time, and keep writing!
~Shubhi
I don't really get this?? Maybe i'll read it again.. And guess what?!!?1 My name is Carly :O
!
Good choice of names!
This piece of prose has very good potential, but right now , it is way too bogged down with errors to be read comfortably. Here they are:
The things that all these three have in common is that they all contain tense errors. Letters are a funny thing because they are mostly written in present tense, but there are bits of past tense in it. I know it sounds confusing, but I'll explain. One a side not, you spelled arthritis wrong.
For the first one, you mixed up the tenses in each clause. The first one should be "I bet she was". Valedictorian is something that a student is at their graduation, not something they are all the time. If I'm valedictorian in high school, I'm not going to be valedictorian for the rest of my life. Since the writer is assuming graduation already happened, the clause should be written in past-tense. In the second clause, it should be entirely written in present tense since you started it like that. You started the sentence by saying "she is", so you should end with present tense as well. It should be written as, "she is the cleverest girl I know" Or you could just change the "she's" to "she was", making the entire clause past-tense.
For the second one, the same rules I mentioned in the first apply. The writer of the letter doesn't want to ask how he was, he wants to ask how Gio is. So the sentence should be "And Gio, how is the little guy?"
The third sentence has the same error as the first. It should be, "And mom, how is her arthritis?"
I think since you classified this as fiction, you're trying to write like this is a past-tense fiction novel. Letters are different, so don't get confused. =)
Omit the "a".
First of all, you don't need to repeat the "I". The sentence still makes sense without it. Second of all, this sentence is redundant. "I am happy with the path I chose" and "making the choice" say the same thing. You're repeating the same thing rephrased. Try, "I am happy with the path I chose and do not regret taking it."
You forgot to put a "my" between "have" and "own". You were probably just typing too fast; Don't worry, I do it all the time. xD
This sentence isn't structured parallel. The "waiting" should be replaced with "are waiting. "Earn" isn't the best verb to use for that phrase. Try "find" or "receive". "...proof that choosing this path is not a waste of effort." sounds really awkward, repeats a phrase already used too much, and has a tense error. You say "choosing this path" way too much, you need to have some other ways to rephrase it. A better way to write this sentence would be "proof that my choice was not a waste." It gets the point across quicker and cleaner.
First, you should place an "even" between "and" and "though". Also, try and differentiate between the two "home"s. Maybe add a "my real" before the first home or add a "here' after home.
You spelled "never" wrong here. Just remove the "e".
Add a "that" between "realize" and "the". It makes the sentence flow properly. Get rid of the "by" and replace the "what" with "who". You can not be a "what", you're a "who".
The "within me" distracts the reader from the meaning of the sentence. "God is with me." sounds so much more powerful.
Another tense error is here. The father didn't already understand, so you wouldn't write it in past tense, like you have written. It should be written in future tense, "... I know soon youwill understand."
I have one more tip to improve the flow of the essay. A lot of your sentences are really long. Try to add a variety of short and long sentences. It will make the essay flow a lot better.
Sorry if I sounded too harsh or picky. The errors were taking away from the simplicity and flow of the essay. This is a good idea, even though it is a little cliche. I really want to know what path he took. I hope you have a story that this could be a prologue too. =).
Also, thanks for reviewing my essay. I'm glad you liked it.
If you take my tips and fix those errors, I'm sure you can make this into a wonderful literary work. Keep writing because writing is the only way to get better at it.
~Makar7
I really like this.
Hello there. So, first off, I like this. The rest will be pretty harsh, but I've got praise at the end, so read on.
Again, it's not how it's spoken on the street. You can try using, "you're", which is a shortcut of it, in case you odn't know.I thought this was... nice. Very cliche - this has been repeated many times over, by many people. The whole, doing something against the parents' will and them being dissapointed in you, that is. So the general plot is already something of an eyebrow raiser.
It's not very specific, too. You don't tell us things about the guy, just about the family. We don't know why he ran away [if he did run away at all]. We don't know where he is. We just know he doesn't regret anything he did. And that's not very believable.
He doesn't sound developed as a character at all. I honestly don't think a person would write to their parents, after a long time of separation, "I don't regret it". I don't think that it's proper, I mean, think it through. It's a guy that is sending his parents who he hadn't seen for some time a letter - I think he would be excited or nervous or both, not going off about how he's going to prove something to his dad. I think you should fix it.
Now, spelling. Though I'm no genius, I'll give it my best shot.
Okay. Now praise.
It was very nice
Ofir