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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hey,
I still like this story and want to know what happens to Rachel. 
So this chapter was a bit of a dissapointment to me. Chapters are supposed to further the story but the only advancement this chapter made was this Ryan person who I assume she killed or attacked or something. You are doing a lot of telling instead of showing. For example, instead of 'I tried to walk calmly from the dining room' you could use 'My heart pounded furiously and I avoided all the concered looks as I stumbled out of the dining room, trying my best to remain calm.". You don't have to use that per say but don't you see how much more your giving the reader when you throw in her feelings, use less boring words and vamp up the excitment?
~Jasmine Bells
P.S. Oh you messed up with the narration here:
'Rachel nodded and sat down'
It's the second to last sentence. I think you meant Jenn.
Hello there
There are a few suggestions I would like to make towards your writing. First of all,
Instead of 'don't' it should be 'do not'. Words like these should only be used when a character is talking because they are informal, even if you were narrating.
Another thing is that you do not develop your ideas enough. The story started being disjointed for me and I think you should work on that.
I like where it is going though. You also show a lot of skill when it comes to your writing, which is most important over everything I feel.
Good job and keep writing. I hope I helped.