Metal fork, sick yellow.
Scrambled eggs sprinkled with
salt, the critique at
the tip of your tongue.
The topic is so direct that you
are hidden behind your wall
of newspapers, your factory of
vocabulary churning through your
black and darting eyes (still
avoiding mine) and spewing back
out through your pallid lips,
chapped and dried with
sand and seasalt.
I am only as bent as the
fork's prongs, hunched as you
mash, mangle and mix me
into a better meal.
The sizzle that turns to static
as it graces your earlobes morphs
more to screaming as I
stay glued to my seat.
With you, I'm salted, scrambled,
sunny side down and
always the way you like it --
dry.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
I like it. One thing especially... the first line of the second stanza...
Is so "direct" that it startled me out of the poem just enough to recognize the irony. I liked that.
I also enjoyed the imagery. You've got a firm foundation in your rhythm, with a very natural flow, but the form just isn't that interesting. I'd like to see some variations on that.
Aha, nice nice
Nice rythem, the introduction (first stanza) suits me well. Your word-usage and word descriptions are nice and it all fits well together. Allthough I have to say there are some places that could be improved for they slack out of the originality you've exposed troughout the whole poem
I bet you could experiment with this and make it sound a bit more "suffistacated"?
Excellent closure
Highly enjoyable.
Cheerios, Chandni
I'm not quite sure what you were attempting here, but you certainly achieved something. I really got a picture of a bored business man at a diner and the stuff they serve that barely has the liscence to be legally edible. I'm not sure if that's the vision you intended, but. . .whatever. good job anyway.
One thing. I was never quite certain that you were talking from the food's perspective until the third stanza, and in fact I thought the "I" in the second was refering to the cook.
Nuff said. Go forth and edit-ify, not that much needs to be done. Brava!