Published November 9, 2007
This is my first acrostic poem...It's for my writing class. I like my poem, but I feel like it's missing something, but can't place my finger on it...hoping y'all will be able to help.
Material that reflects
Illusions of oneself
Returning movements
Refracted by light
Opposite of the onlooker
Reflections of you
-bobiscool134
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It's a solid beginning, but n my opinion, it's missing some unity. Yes, each line relates to the concept of a mirror, but they don't really relate to each other, you know? The first level of writing acrostic poems is to fit the rest of the lines to the first letter. The second level is for the lines to connect to each other, and the third level is for them all to really say something about the subject.
For example, "Returning movements/Refracted by light" seem like two lines placed next to each other. But you can add an "are" so that it's "Returning movementsare/Refracted by light" and now they relate to each other.
Also, even though it is an acrostic, I don't believe you need to capitalize the first letter of each line. In my opinion, the subject of the poem should be the main focus, and the fact that it's an acrostic should be an added touch to complete it (like sprinkles on a cake).
As with any poetry, think beyond the obvious. Yes, mirrors reflect things, but what else are they capable of? What hidden function might they have?
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions; I'd be happy to help ^_^
-Amelia
>.< I hate acrostic poems, so maybe it's not fair for me to critique this. But it seemed kind of short... and, don't take this the wrong way, but it was sort of... boring. You need more substance, more description, more... pizazz! I know I must have spelled that wrong, but... meh.
Anyways, not to sound like a standardized test or anything, but you should use a wider variety of words and phrases.
Hope that helped,
Quippie
this is very good, but you are right, it is missing something.
i keep rereading it to figure out what it is.
it is missing something soft. ( that doesnt make sense i know). but that is what keeps going thru my head.
i think because the sentences are so short and ends abrubtly.
but yet i cant come up with anything to change.
sorry i couldnt help you much.
i really like this, it really made me think.
kim
Well it could be longer. Naturally the poem is limited by it's form but your lines could be longer in themselves and you could add more imagery. Also, it needs some punctuation and it seems rather fragmented. I think you should probably have a full stop after 'oneself' and perhaps a comma after 'movements' and fullstops after 'onlooker' and at the very end. Also I'd suggest changing onlooker to on-looker or maybe replacing it with something else altogether. Maybe observer? It's good though and in general, I like it.