Published October 14, 2010
The Nightmare
Briana Monczka
September 17, 2010
It’s the middle of the night and I awake to this horrible noise. Screaming I try to get an answer from whatever it was but I got nothing. I get out of bed and go down stairs; I didn’t see anything so I thought to myself as I go back to bed “Was I dreaming it?”
I wake up again but this time I feel like I’m being strangled. As I gasp for air I feel something down by my feet clawing at me, as I can feel the hands around my neck. I start to kick to get whatever it was off of me, but I didn’t have the strength. I get my eyes adjusted and I see what seems to be my boyfriend, or so I thought it was. I reached over to the night stand next to my bed to get something to hit or throw at him. I couldn’t breathe and the clawing never stopped. I smelled a familiar smell but I couldn’t get my mind to it. I finally got my lamp. I decided not to throw it so I turned it on, to find that it wasn’t my boyfriend it was my best friend Michael. Then I realized I was in trouble.
I could hear to what I thought was sniffling but I didn’t know what exactly it was but I knew that something was wrong.
I realized in some spots of my tang-top was damp from maybe his tears I thought. Then I got a good look at him and he was crying. I didn’t really know why he was crying but I knew that I wasn’t going to die tonight. This guy has a big heart and no intention of killing me tonight.
I go and reach for my lamp to hit him with it but he loosens the grip on my neck and says” Don’t worry about me.” With a giant smile on his face he backs up into the darkness part of my room and lets out an evil laugh.
Lately I have had this pain in my stomach where it feels like someone is stabbing me. (I’m a 23 year old woman who wasn’t a where of being pregnant but I hadn’t had any symptoms of it).
I went to grab my stomach then my eyes light up with a mixture of sadness, disappointment, and tears. I had been stabbed. I had no idea how this could have happened because there was only two people that were in the room. Michael was the only one that knew that I was carrying my boyfriends’ baby.
Kelson comes home from work and walks into the room and sees me slowly closing my eyes. He runs over to me and doesn’t notice Michael lurching in the shadows. As I faint I can hear Kelson say hang on, don’t leave me, and stay with me.
I wake up; alive thinking thank god it was only a dream; my boyfriend sound asleep, and me not bleeding too death. I hadn’t been able to go back to sleep after I woke up from the nightmare. When Kelson woke up he and I were talking as I told him everything.
“Why do you think Michael would do that? He is your best friend.”
“I know but like I said it was only a dream.” I told him trying to reassure that it wasn’t going to happen.
“You may never know.” As he kisses my forehead showing me he is going to work.
I called the doctors office to make an appointment. I get told that I have to wait until tomorrow but I told them I needed to find out how long I am pregnant. So they told me ok.
I get out of the office and call my other best friend Rebecca. She told me everything was going to be ok.
It was almost 4 in the after noon when Kelson got home told him what the doctor had told me and he said the same thing as my sister, “It’s going to be alright.”
After that we went out for dinner and as we were walking out of the room the same exact knife fell from nowhere and the same evil laugh come from my dream….
Was what I dreamt really going to happen or was it just a mind game?
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141,368 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
I thought your story was very good though I did spot a few mistakes. 'A where' for aware and 'too' when you really meant 'to'. (bleeding too death.)
You used the word 'lurching' when you probably meant 'lurking'.
'there was only two people that were in the room' should be 'there were only two people in the room'. (My dad told me that one).
When you said 'god' that is a name so the correct spelling is 'God'.
Even though I spotted these mistakes I still thought it was a very good story.
My dad wants to say something now.
This is Charlotte's dad.
I thought the reappearance of the knife at the end of the story was a brilliant twist - what is going on in the story? One really is left wanting to know what it all means.
I would recommend two things. Re-read the story to see if it all reads well; there are one or two sentences which don't read very well and would benefit from redrafting. Also, I noticed quite a lot of 'gets' and 'gots' at the start. Perhaps you could change some of these for variation.
Well done!
Hey there, I'm Hawk and I'm here to review! (:
Okay, so this story needs a lot of work done. That's not to say that it's bad--it just needs some major cleaning up to become more understandable and easy to read.
One thing I noticed is that you change tenses (from present to past) throughout the entire piece, which makes it very confusing to the reader. You need to pick one tense and stick with it.
Another issue is the way you tell your story in general. I have a very very disjointed view of the scene. You talk about her boyfriend, and then bring in this guy Michael, who's choking her and then says he's not going to kill her and then laughs like a maniac. It's confusing and I don't really have anything to picture aside from a few vague sketches of the characters. You need to flesh out the characters more--we don't know much about any of them, and thus we don't really care what happens because we don't have a connection to them. They're all just flat, uninteresting, and forgettable people. Give us some description (BUT! don't go overboard with the description, and don't insert it just to get it over with!) and let us into their thoughts, ideas, dreams--something that'll tell us a little more about who these people are.
Another thing I noticed was your punctuation. I'd suggest brushing up on your grammar, and also checking out this wonderful link about dialogue punctuation--it tells you where to place all those tricky little commas.
So, overall, you've got the potential for a good story--you just need to clean it up and add more substance to it. Something I'd suggest is for you to look at your favorite books, and just read them, taking in how they introduce characters, what they do to create a scene in your head, and how you come to like certain characters.
Hope this helps! Please PM me if you have any questions or whatnot. (:
The ending is really hard to follow, what caused this nightmare? Was she actually pregnant? You might want to try and adjust the ending of this so that people can understand it a little bit better. But, overall this was a pretty good story. I hope that you keep writing stories like this and others! P.M. me if you have any questions!
- Jalmoc
justin dont be dumb:P
Did this take place on ELM Street??
This is really disjointed and incoherent, and I had trouble understand exactly what was happening. This is mainly because of the way you didn't explain much and swapped tenses quite a lot.
You just need to work on your grammar and tenses, and I think planning out a plot would go a long way too
I like the idea, you just need to work on the execution.
Keep on writing.
i realy like your story so keep up the good work. and write more scary storys