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This was interesting and I liked it. It gives I don' know it can't really be placed but it's cool. The way I interpreted this was that the person looking into the old mans eyes was watching him die. Or the old man was very old and was telling a story of I if through his eyes. That I how I took this and you may not have intended that but it's what I got out of this so.
All together I liked this and the story I got out of it so. It was enjoyable and I didn't really see any mistakes so keep writing my friend. And sorry my review is so short there is not really much to be said.
I agree with Paprika's review. The line "What he gave to me" throws off the flow a bit, but still gives an illusion nonetheless. I like the characteristics you give the old man in the first two lines, which can be pretty hard to do.
Also, "Right now, he is everything what he can be" seems a bit awkward to read.
Anyway, very good! Hope to see you update again soon!
Hallo, hallo. Papri here.
Before I get on with my worries about your work, let me say that I did enjoy it. You're sending out a good message with this here. It's important for everyone to remember that there is enough good in this world. Also, that line's my favorite. ^^ However, I do see some places for improvement.
My main problem with this poem, Blues, is that it's difficult to follow, and I think that might be partly due to the muddled punctuation.
For example,
The old wise man says to me:
in his eyes I read pain
''there is enough Good'' you see;
in his eyes I can see a lot of joy
what he gives to me
Points: 240
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