Published March 18, 2015
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140,903 Literary Works • 673,706 Reviews
This was interesting and I liked it. It gives I don' know it can't really be placed but it's cool. The way I interpreted this was that the person looking into the old mans eyes was watching him die. Or the old man was very old and was telling a story of I if through his eyes. That I how I took this and you may not have intended that but it's what I got out of this so.
All together I liked this and the story I got out of it so. It was enjoyable and I didn't really see any mistakes so keep writing my friend. And sorry my review is so short there is not really much to be said.
hahah thanks!!! I like your review anyway.
I agree with Paprika's review. The line "What he gave to me" throws off the flow a bit, but still gives an illusion nonetheless. I like the characteristics you give the old man in the first two lines, which can be pretty hard to do.
Also, "Right now, he is everything what he can be" seems a bit awkward to read.
Anyway, very good! Hope to see you update again soon!
Hallo, hallo. Papri here.
Before I get on with my worries about your work, let me say that I did enjoy it. You're sending out a good message with this here. It's important for everyone to remember that there is enough good in this world. Also, that line's my favorite. ^^ However, I do see some places for improvement.
My main problem with this poem, Blues, is that it's difficult to follow, and I think that might be partly due to the muddled punctuation.
For example,
Immediately after that colon, there should be what the man said. It's like writing "Today I need to do: laundry, homework, and my hair." Bad example, but the basic concept is there.
Also, I'm not going to tell you to add in periods and whatnot, as that's every poetry writer's prerogative, but I am advising you to create more pronounce and detectable breaks in between different "sentences" or topic changes.
I'm also seeing that your word choices don't fit together all well. I'm not sure how to explain it correctly, but some of your phrases feel out of place within your poem.
The "what he gives to me" in that example doesn't seem to tie in to the poem.
Lastly, before I sign off, I don't think the entirety of this poem should be in italics. Actually, if you un-italicized the whole thing, and then simple made the "FREE" at the end of your poem in italics, I think it would be a change for the better. But, then again, that's just my opinion.
Anyway, I digress.
I enjoyed reading your work and I hope to see more from you.