Sailboats in the Sky

Hello it's Joe coming to the review rescue

First off Welcome to YWS I hope you like this site as much as I do. If you need any help just give a yelp and click on my name.

Hey Congrats on posting a poem the first day here. You should try to get some more points while helping out you're review team.

Great poem, no, Brilliant poem perhaps even dare I say Awesmazing poem. The point is it really truly great. I love sailing so I can totally relate.

It's true you probably should have some kind of punctuation I mean pretend I took all the punctuation out of the rest of this paragraph It wouldn't really make much sense would it no not really the point of punctuation is to have time for your eyes or vocal cords a small time to rest if you don't you can have serious eye stain

Ouch, that must be hard to read. Let's try it with punctuation.

It's true you probably should have some kind of punctuation, I mean pretend I took all the punctuation out of the rest of this paragraph, it wouldn't really make much sense would it? No, not really. The point of punctuation is to have time for your eyes or vocal cords a small time to rest, if you don't you can have serious eye stain.

Yeah so it's kinda like running around naked. It's pleasing and fun but, sadly, against the law.

Do you see?

Yeah you see.

Still it's a great poem again I love sailing so this was so cool for me to imagine sailing a cloud.

If you need any help remember to give a yelp.

Joe

Hey blue bird! Okay so I am going to be reviewing this submission now and hope it helps you!

First I am going to put punctuation, grammar and formatting in the piece! I have done it below:

"Cloud sailboats float past on the sea of sky

While wishes wave on green stalks,


In skies of shivering grass

Huddled for sunshine sharing,


In the empty bed chill of the lonely wind

Stoic trunks stand with arms outstretched,


Forever watching the changing horizon

For that long lost childhood memory,


Earth murmuring in restless sleep

Beneath the itchy dreams that dance on soil skin,


With their play flames and stick-and-stone wars,

Whirling the nights away with dizzying blurs of life,


And the cloud sailboats sail on."


That's how I think the piece should be formatted and punctuation might seem unimportant but it isn't.


Overall, the poem was great. I enjoyed reading it and loved your starting as well as the ending! I hope you keep writing. Next time just keep punctuation, grammar and formatting in mind when you write a poem!


Happy review day!

Umaima

Knight Dragon, here to review on this glorious Review Day!

Technical:
I need punctuation throughout this entire poem. I can't read something with no road signs.
Example:
"Cloud sailboats

Float past on the sea of sky

While wishes wave on green stalks

In skies of shivering grass

Huddled for sunshine sharing

In the empty bed chill of the lonely wind

Stoic trunks stand with arms outstretched

Forever watching the changing horizon..."
And on and on it goes. I don't know when to pause, when a new idea's started or not. They all just mesh together into one long sentence (which really isn't even a sentence because you don't have a period at the end of your poem).

Having punctuation to separate thoughts out would be very helpful, especially in a place like this:
"In the empty bed chill of the lonely wind

Stoic trunks stand with arms outstretched

Forever watching the changing horizon

For that long lost childhood memory

Earth murmuring in restless sleep"
I don't know if I'm supposed to stop, or pause, or reflect at this point, or what. No punctuation does nothing for me. In fact, it's really distracting because then I'm trying to pick up on the intended reading flow, and with inflections and such it's really hard to tell what you were going for without you telling us with your punctuation.

Now, don't take that to mean I didn't like this poem. I liked how you had the cloud sailboats floating above, oblivious to the turmoil beneath them, and at the end they're still above it all, unperturbed. Nicely done on that part. But I think you could have described how clouds can be roiling as well, and experience their own types of storms (to continue the sailboat metaphor).

Hope this helps! Happy Review Day!

Pompadour here for a review!
*surreptitiously pulls quill out* ( Red Knights are uncool if they don't have quills.)
This poem was fuzzy and sweet. I love it! I like how you used imagery, but it wasn't too purple. It was a nice shade of violet instead! Your personification here:
"In skies of shivering grass

Huddled for sunshine sharing

In the empty bed chill of the lonely wind

Stoic trunks stand with arms outstretched

Forever watching the changing horizon."
It really made sense, and seemed so understandable. It's weird to state that, but it's just one of the many thoughts we vaguely decipher at the back of our minds but never really put into words. Thank you for writing this! It might seem confusing and muddled up, but I feel that this... sense or whatever, really needs to be put into words. It's very observant.
You could definitely improve your poem by adding a bit of punctuation. It's difficult to tell where one thing begins and the other ends. Otherwise, great job!
Keep writing and happy review day!

Hey Bluebird943,

First this poem is absolutely breath taking. The emotion seems to be really oozing out of your words and really speaking to me. the only things i would think about for the future is punctuation. I'm not sure if you purposely left it out as an artistic choice (which could really work for this poem) but I have found that the use of some punctuation can really add to the meaning of a piece and really helps the readers understand which ideas you want to stress more and makes some images linger in the readers thoughts. But really really well done besides that. i especially like the last line "And the cloud sailboats sail on" I think it is very symbolic of life -- meaning that no matter what you have to realize that eventually you will move on and get over certain obstacles. Write on my friend, write on!

Cheers
Graham

I really like this! It's a sweet, pretty little poem and it has some really nice imagery. I love how you describe the clouds and sky and then move on to the rest of the scene, but that you do it vaguely without saying what you describe. Then you return to cloud sailboats! I think it's really nice. I do think you might consider adding just a bit of punctuation. That way, rather than coasting across the whole thing at one speed, you can make the reader pause and reflect here and there. Otherwise, great job!