Published August 25, 2010
[size=50]My body is my tomb
I am my own foreseeable doom
I used to know how to feel
But instead I choose to steal
My own soul and sell it for cocaine
I used to know right from wrong
I used to sing the song
That was my happy life
Now instead I choose the knife
That will end the song that was my life[/size]
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What is with the drug poems today? These powerful poems can be so... emotionally draining. (That's a good thing in a poem) In poems with a painful feel, I usually suggest to focus more on the rhythm than the rhyme. Rhymes can seem forced. It seemed forced in this poem. With powerful emotions, you don't need gimmicks like rhymes, but rhythm gives all poetry structure. At least, I think it should.
Also, I think the metaphor of the body as a tomb for the soul is a wonderful. Then at the end of the poem, I like how the metaphor comes true. That is an Idea that deserves to be worked over some more.
You have already been scolded on the tiny font, so I'll let that be.
Nice piece.. a few things..
First of all...
My GOSH that was tiny. Fortunately, with my awesome eyesight (maybe a little bit aided by my equally awesome glasses) I was able to make it out.
Okay. Now onto the actual content of the Smurf size write you've posted here. I liked the rhyme scheme.. pretty subtle, and nicely done. The random "cocaine" in the middle of it made my brain stop for a moment and hang there with it's hypothetical jaw going, "Wuuuh?". Especially when it wasn't repeated again. Quite a random reference for me.
So yeah.. Suggestions: Change the font. Please. Or I may require a new prescription for my super cool glasses if I attempt to read it again. I am not a Smurf. Also, consider changing the random "cocaine". It stuck out like..like.. cocaine in the suburbs. Or a Smurf in the suburbs.
My god I'm tired.
Nice piece altogether.
-Coral-
From what I can read it looks interesting, but is there any way you can make the font a little bigger?