In a costume of white trimming
Rippling fabric swaying and dancing to
The rhythmic beat of
A violet symphony
Where a ballet of
Chaotic magnificence takes place
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I think that this piece is quite good, but has the potential to be incredible. The imagery that you've used so far is extremely vivid, and effective in setting a tone. I would perhaps lengthen the piece though, use more description, create a setting, add people, though characterization is not necessary. The flow doesn't really work for me, but I think that it is just because it is so short, there isn't really time to build up a flow.
Overall, good piece. Nice job. c:
Hiya bluebird24. First of all, welcome to the wonderful land of the Young Writers' Society. I hope my critique isn't too hard on you -- in fact, you can totally disregard it if you like.
There's really not too much I can say here because of the length of the poem. Well, let's see ...
For one, you need confidence. No great singer/actor/artist/musician/writer ever submitted their work to a publisher/record company or whatever and said, "Well, it's really not that good. I'm just doing this to see what you think. You don't need to publish it or anything. I really don't expect you to." Because you know what? That publisher is not even going to look at the manuscript/art/whatever it is. He will just discard it, not even give it an ounce of thought. If you think your poem is excellent and work hard on it, this opinion will, slowly but surely, rub off on other people.
I like the description of a symphony as violet. For some reason, I always find myself associating various things, especially concepts or names, with colors, and I completely understand what you mean.
I am a bit confused as to the structure of this poem. Let's take out the adjectives and look at it as a sentence: In a costume of ... trimming, ... fabric swaying and dancing to the ... beat of a symphony where ... magnificence takes place. It's fine for poetry to be a bit run-on. Actually, it can add a wonderful flare to a poem. However, I'm not really sure here what the subject of the poem is. Who knows -- maybe it's just me. Maybe you want the poem to be this sort of mysterious outpouring of words, but perhaps you could make this a little bit clearer.
Go easy on the descriptions. Relax and let the words flow, because that's what poetry is. With a little editing, and if you follow these rules of thumb, your work will prove more extraordinary that you ever could have imagined. Thanks for a good read!