Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
“Zac, hurry up!”
It was a relatively cloudy day, the type of day that makes you want to curl up under your bedsheets and never come out. The type of day where you can almost expect something bad to happen, a day where there is no sunshine.
It was this day where my foolish child-hood memories end.
Hmm this is an interesting choice. Normally we have this type of day described with something bad simply just going on to happen in a more cliched sense but it seems this time you've used it almost on purpose to enhance it and almost give us the idea that this day started out with an atmosphere so gloomy this person simply expected something to go wrong and that I manages to circumvent the more cliché aspect rather well and give us a more powerful note to open on.
My brother and I were running home after a school, racing as we did everyday. He was the jock of the family, but I faster. The cold wind scraped at my face and I dodged past old Ms. Henderwick’s house. It was only later when I remembered the shadow at the doorway, a shadow that distinctly didn’t match Ms. Henderwick’s bent self.
We finally reached home, gasping for air. My mother opened the door, a look of slight disapproval on her face.
Well this seems like a pretty solid way to set that up here. Nothing that seems too too far out of the ordinary as far as things that could happen are concerned but with just enough mystery in the background to really build up the intrigue for us readers.
“Come in, both of you! Zac, we have visitors whom I’d like you to meet.”
I cautiously entered the living room, where two large men, dressed in all black, reclined on the sofa. They both held sleek leather briefcases, had the exact same watch, and gave me identical evil smiles. I shuddered softly, knowing at once something was not right.
“Zac, I’d like you to meet Dr. Eric and Mr. Davis.”
Oooh that's a chilling point to end there. Its a rather simply style of cliffhanger there but its the old classic one that really does work quite well and I think you've certainly managed to at least convince me here to want to read on with this piece and find out more about what's to come.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
So, all in all, short! xD I don't have much else to say. My main suggestion is make it seem less like you're trying to instill great terror and fear into your readers, and explain a bit more what exactly is going on. It's all a bit abrupt. Do the brothers have a conversation on their way home? What is their mother's expression as they walk through the door? Is it fall, or spring? Right now you're rushing into the introductions (which fall slightly flat, since the names of the men don't mean anything to us right now) and not setting up the scene well enough.
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