Screaming Silent Prayers

thanks for the critiques. and yes, im aware i used some evanescence lyrics. that was the intent - - if you know the songs then you know the emotion behind them, which is similar to the emotion in my poem. she is one of my biggest inspirations and i just want to give her credit, i suppose o.O

When I read through this, the lyrics of Evanescence's songs, "Am I too lost to be saved?" "Return to me salvation" jumped out right away, because "Tourniquet" is a fairly well-known song.
I thought that it was definitely an emotional poem, but I didn't like how you used these lines in it.
The only thing that also really jumped out at me as weird was this line:
"No one even knows
As if I’m speaking a different language
A language nobody knows"
It feels repetitive, with "no one" and "nobody", the "knows", and the "language."

bloodyblackrose wrote:Am I too lost to be saved? #FF0000 ">This is a lyric from an Evanescence song.
Will the pain never end?
It’s always there, constantly stabbing my heart like lightning in water
Reminding me of my stupid mistakes
My dumb choices
The things I’ve said and done that make me who I am today
A girl full of fear
My heart shut out to the world and everyone in it
Guarded by 2 barbed wire fences, 3 curses, one layer of chains, a field full of landmines, all surrounded by an impenetrable glacier
That is now the story of my life
A rose to be looked at, no more
A song to be sung
No life to be lived
For inside I’m dead
A skeleton remains, a ghost
My spirit has perished
My soul has been smashed
Full of empty spaces created by empty promises
I want to fall asleep and never wake up
Run away to a foreign place and never look back
I want to escape this pain, escape this life, escape this Fate
But I can’t.
I’m stuck here forever
Held back by my fears
Trampled on by those memories I can’t erase
Drowning in the tears of my sorrows and wounds
Burning
Bleeding #FF0000 ">add an 'and' between this line and the next and you have another Evanescence lyricScreaming
But no one hears me
No one even knows
As if I’m speaking a different language
A language nobody knows
The language of one so cursed, damned, broken, and close to death no one can decode it
SOMEONE PLEASE RETURN TO ME SALVATION! #FF0000 ">'Return to me Salvation' is another Evanescence lyricJust when I think I’m happy the black shadows come out of hiding and consume me
I don’t know how to live anymore
It’s a vicious, cruel circle
I try to be strong
I try to move on
But how can I when everyone and everything in sight is pulling me under?
The girl inside of me is screaming to get out
Begging for someone to hear me
I’m sick of trying to fight this
I’m sick of trying to live
Something’s always in the way
I can’t find my place here
Maybe I wasn’t destined to live now
An accident
A mistake that needs to be erased
Wiped out
The shreds of what used to be my life will be forever forgotten
Written off as a detour on the path of other people’s lives
I don’t know how to do this
I’ve cried a million bloody tears and now I drown in them
But a million more I still cry
Falling into the flames of my depression, my regrets, my miserable excuse of a life
And yet I’m still here….
Please, someone!
End my suffering
Take my life
Burn it down into a pile of ash and dust to be spread across the world so beautifully cruel
I can’t stand this anymore
I’ve had enough.

well, firestarter, this is not "self-therapy". it is how i express my emotions, and if u dont like it, then dont read it. and yes, there are people out there who actually like to read this kind of stuff. emo haters dont fly with me, so fly away birdie, and dont come back unless you actually have something worthwhile to say.

Hey bloodyblackrose,

Poems like this are good self-therapy, but for an audience they fail on a basic level -- they hold little interest to the reader because it's too self-absorbed. The author/narrator is navel gazing; they only care about themselves, rather than the reader. While this is fine if you're just trying to get your feelings down on paper, it doesn't make this a poem I can critique per se. I would say that if you post things in the future, remember that you need to consider the audience in your writing, because we're the ones who will experience it, too.

i liked the last sentace, maybe have a follow up poem about how your going to over throw the sorrow. =)

this was really good! i enjoyed reading it, and it drew me in from the first line. i liked the description with the 2 barbed wires etc. the caps also made the sentace stand out.

"No one even knows
As if I’m speaking a different language
A language nobody knows"

the sentances above seem kind of repedative with the word "Knows" but that's just my opinion.
=]