Young Writers Society

L2 has serious issues. The over-usage of pronouns is astounding. Try using the omniscent form--I think its called?--where you don't need to refer continually to 'you' since we all know who you're talking about.

The first three lines have potential. If they were expanded, played with, I can see them going somewhere. All the other lines, however--you would do well to throw them away. Grab a fresh peice of paper and write the first three lines down. "stare at them until blood forms on your forehead"--translation:bring them to life!

-Evang.

Wow.
Short.
Suggestions:

This poem has no potential, but you've done great with it! I like how you create this chain of actions: You touch my lips, my lips kiss your cheek, your cheek...etc. I also like the fact that you made such an easily-cliche poem a lot less cliche.

Now, for the REAL suggestions:
IMAGERY. This poem doesn't work without imagery. Why don't you describe the heart? Why don't you describe the tear? Your love? Without it, this is only bland lyrics.

Structure was weird. I didn't like how you started lines with "Cause" and "Look at". The command is really bad, and I don't think this works as a second person.

Mmmm.... I think that's it. It would work much better as part of a song, not a poem, in my opinion. But it's still good!

PM me for questions.

Ooh, Bravo! Thank GOD; I finally found a short love poem with non-cliche imagery. I only have one suggestion. In the first line, change the comma to an elipses or a dash, to break it up a little. Keep writing!

I think this would do better with imagery. Right now it's kind of a mass of commands, and perhaps I am not like everyone but I do not like being told what to do. ^_~ Obviously you are saying, "I hurt, I love you, help me, please?" but it's just so weak, and furthermore, I can't feel anything! You want to write this poem so that the reader wants to cry. To do that, take a good use of imagery, metaphors, and sensory image. Don't tell, show. This is all telling, maybe try to come up with a scene, or an object that symbolizes how you feel..?

Just some thoughts.

I couldn't really see it, actually. Perhaps I am blind. But, though you talked about eyes and hearts, that was about it. I think it would be pretty awesome if you incorporated more verbs in. For instance, look at your verbs. You have "look," "know," "find," "see," "kiss," and "want." These are very basic verbs that, although can present an interesting image, are not necessarily the best. In a poem, you only have a certain amount of words you can use to describe whatever is going on. So why not use more expressive, lovely words? And this doesn't mean that you have to use crazy five syllable verbs! Just, vary your verb choice and I think you'll be able to tell this poem better.

Good luck!

Proof read.

Punctuation.

And structure.

These are three things that troubled me when I read this and I think you should review them all, before you post. [Proofread them] The structure was good, but in some places it just didn't flow at all and was abrupt. Puntuation is also lacking in some of your lines, so try and see to that.

The imagary was good though and I particularly liked line three and four, as you made these different and mysterious, with a deep meaning. Good work, and with improvement, it'll be great.

What to say...Well, Rieda and kitty15 basically mentioned all the BAD points of your poem, so I'll point out the good points.

I'll give you points for using emotion in your poem. It made me "feel." I could almost "picture" it also. If that makes any sense whatsoever. As for Rieda's and Kitty's suggestion in expanding it, I'm not that sure that it actually needs it. I enjoyed your piece though. It was quite interesting to read. [And thank you. ]

Stephanie

I like the...feeling behind this poem, but the way it was presented did make me feel anything towards the narrator or the situation. Work on broadening your vocabulary in this piece so that the words have a more intense and stronger meaning. Also, punctuation. I think that with punctuation this poem would flow A LOT better than it does right now. Now it seems sort of choppy and with that I have a hard time understanding your meaning for each line.

Look inside, you know you'll find a heart
Look in my heart you know you'll see your eyes
Look at my eyes and kiss the tear off my heart

**Despite there being no punctuation I don't think that your repeating of the work "Look" really fits for the length of your poem. It sort of takes up most of the room and then switches briefly to somethin different and then it's over. So I basically agree with Kitty. Extend this. Other than that, again, I liked the meaning behind it all but try to pull that forward so that all of your readers can understand. PM me if you have any questions!

Keep it up!
~Rieda

I like how you used "cause." The lines go well together actually. It's all a seamless piece, but again you should extend it.

Okay, this is rather short so my first piece of advice is to extend it and my second is to add grammar. Lots and lots of grammar. Here's a quick line by line but there really isn't much to critique -

Look inside, you know you'll find a heart.
Look in my heart, you know you'll see your eyes.
Look at my eyes and kiss the tear [s]off[/s] from my heart,
kiss the tear [s]off[/s] from my life,
[s]Cause[/s] Because I want you to be my heart.
I want you to be my life till the end of time.

Other than that, the repetition of look doesn't really work so perhaps use glance or stare or something. Then you should extend your imagery. All you have here is a collection of reasonable, slightly cliche imagery and no real story line so work on that. Bring the emotions in and some sort of plot.