The Road To Power
There was once was a simple boy in a run down village. He always wanted to be part of the power in china. But his parents tried to discourage him by telling him how bad the people working there were and how hated they were by the people. The boy, Shen thought that what they had said only encouraged him because if it was as bad as his parents told him he felt like he just might be able to make it better. But there was the problem, about the money it would cost to buy the books that were asenchel to study for the big test that proves weather your ready to work or your not. Shen wondered around the village for hours asking anyone and everyone if he could work for just a little bit of money. At the end of the day he felt very sad because of the comments that he got, and one in particular stood out from them all. It was the man that worked for nothing, he gave and gave but no one, ever held there word to pay him after and some even stole from him. To chase Shen away the man shouted and ran after the boy saying “get out of here you stupid useless brat!” The next morning the boy thought that he had to get even with the man. He just didn’t know what to do. Then he thought that if he stole like everyone else he would get back at the man and get some money towards buying the books he needed. So he decided that if people wouldn’t hire him he would just steal the money instead. So about a year after he started pick-pocketing he finally bought his books. After studying for a few years and being turned down a couple times for the test he was aloud to try it, but everyone thought that he was crazy to even have a chance against them. He failed the first, the second, and the third time he passed but barely. When he finds out what his job really was he was utterly discussed of what he saw. The laws that were in place were horrific, like if a person was found in a different village or some place he didn’t belong his punishment would be that his nose or ear was to be cut off. Shen was so upset that he thought about quitting but he still wanted to fix these horrifying laws. But some people that had hated him from the start disagreed with Shen and over ruled what Shen was trying to do. Insted of taking his money that he earned he donated as much as he could to supplying food for his parents and to other villages that had almost nothing. The people that had gone against him in the testing had hated him so much that they wanted to get at Shen. But they couldn’t because of where he was. They wanted to hurt him so they found were his parents were. They wanted to get him out of the security of the builds so the torched the village, burning Shens family and friends. When Shen had heard of the news he was told that a fire broke out in one of the houses and had spred to his parent’s house in sadness and devastated Shen ran out in grief, to go back to his village to help his family but, the same people that had burned the village were waiting by the path and had already set an ambush. Shen had taken a horse courage so he didn’t have to walk but the horse he had taken only cared about eating the fresh grass along the side of the path. When Shen had reached the village he instantaneously new that this was no accident and as he gazed upon the ruin three arrows flew threw the air and hit Shen in the leg. Shen shouted, “GO!” to the horse and the horse ran but in a split second, the horse fell to the ground as and arrow went threw the heart. As the horse went down so did Shen. The men that had attacked Shen quickly ran up to Shen and started beating him. When Shen was out of breath one man stood over him and put his sword to Shen’s neck and asked him what his last words were. And Shen smiled and said, “jugement day will come for you and when it does, will you be ready.” With those words Shen’s body goes cold as his head roles into the ditch next to the path.
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140,925 Literary Works • 673,749 Reviews
Hey Holly here for a review!
Do you go to Da Vinci Junior High? I did this project last year.
Your story was pretty good.
You might want to work on formatting and grammar. For example when someone is talking it should be a new paragraph.
A ton people are probably telling you this but please please please send this through spellcheck! It would improve your story so much and make it more enjoyable to read.
Try to make your sentences a bit longer without making them become run-on sentences.
This review is full of nit-picky stuff but that's who we are here on YWS!
Keep writing! I can't to read more of your stories!
From one DV Panda to another!
-- Holly (hmcg)
Hey Holly here for a review!
Do you go to Da Vinci Junior High? I did this project last year.
Your story was pretty good.
You might want to work on formatting and grammar. For example when someone is talking it should be a new paragraph.
A ton people are probably telling you this but please please please send this through spellcheck! It would improve your story so much and make it more enjoyable to read.
Try to make your sentences a bit longer without making them become run-on sentences.
This review is full of nit-picky stuff but that's who we are here on YWS!
Keep writing! I can't to read more of your stories!
From one DV Panda to another!
-- Holly (hmcg)
HI Vincent I like your story I wonder if you could spell check your story for example at the start of your story I noticed that you wrote the word essential this way "asenchel" which is wrong also make sure you know the difference between your and your'e,weather and whether ,discussed and disgusted,new and knew and so on and so forth anyways your story otherwise is good and good luck
You spelled your'e wrong. its you're
Thanks though for the feed back
HI Vincent I like your story I wonder if you could spell check your story for example at the start of your story I noticed that you wrote the word essential this way "asenchel" which is wrong also make sure you know the difference between your and your'e,weather and whether ,discussed and disgusted,new and knew and so on and so forth anyways your story otherwise is good and good luck
I wonder if you could have broken your story up into paragraphs. I wonder if you could have added more dialog into your story. I really liked the ending of you story. I like all of the action in your story. I like how you added the historical content into it, but I wonder if you could have added more. I wonder if you could have checked the grammar and spelling a little bit more.
I wonder if you could have used paragraphs. I wonder if you could give context as to where shen lives or why he wanted to be a part of the power in china.
Look over spelling again. "But there was the problem, about the money it would cost to buy the books that were asenchel to study for the big test that"
I wonder if you could have added more conflict, because it wasn't present through the story.
I really liked the ending of your story and the action in the book. I wonder if you could have checked your grammar a little bit more and your spelling. I also wonder if you could have put more details into the story and split it into paragraphs based on the time or events happening. I also wonder if you could have put more details in about china during that time. The story is very good though.
I really liked the ending of your story and the action in the book. I wonder if you could have checked your grammar a little bit more and your spelling. I also wonder if you could have put more details into the story and split it into paragraphs based on the time or events happening. I also wonder if you could have put more details in about china during that time. The story is very good though.
Hello there!
So, I'll start off this review by saying that I like how you're writing a story taking place in China. Very interesting! I like the information you've thrown in here and how you're giving off information by making a story about it. It's a very clever way and you've thrown some nice things in.
As far as grammar goes, I do think this good use some polishing up. Remember, China is a place so it needs to be capitalized ;D There are a few run on sentences (when you just have a sentence and extend it on FOREVER, usually with commas). This interrupts the flow a bit and makes your story a bit hard to read.
Regarding format - make sure you click "enter" when there's another paragraph! It gets EXTREMELY hard to read when something is clunked up in one paragraph. I really wanted to read your story, and it was very hard to do so! You also put your whole story in bold - why for? Generally, you don't bold anything in a story, and bold can also make a story hard to read.
Lastly, I think this could use a bit more description! For example, three arrows hit Shen in the leg. Ouch! There's not much description regarding his pain - maybe you could perhaps write more about how he feels? Make me feel sorry for him and feel his pain. This goes for some other parts of your story as well^^
I think that's about it! The plot is fantastic, and with a bit polishing up not only the plot can be fantastic but the story as a whole can too.
Keep writing!~
~ EternalRain
Wow, that's quite the dark story.
I'll start with the good and say that if this piece is written as social commentary and based on things you've observed/experience, then it is an interesting read. A closer look on the poorer side of Chinese society, the difficulties of social ascension and how complicated it is to change things for the better when corruption has spread far and wide, isn't a topic too deeply explored in text.
For the bad, however, I'll have to say that this could really use an editor. Grammar, spelling, syntax and other aspects need to be reworked because, I regret to say, there are so many errors in the writing itself.
The pacing also is quite breakneck, even for a short story. It kinda reads like a newspaper article reporting on Shen's life and death. If you had taken things a wee bit slower and added some more meat to the story, I think it would've benefited greatly.
I'd honestly recommend rewriting this because it has the potential to be a touching story.