Jane farcry woke with little elegance, a damp patch of pillow soaked in her snot had formed through the night beneath her large nose, her eyes, large and brown as they were seemed to be glued together by sleep, She pulled the duvet off and stood up on the springy pink carpet .The room she inhabited was cluttered with cloths and combs, toys and books. The walls were equally littered with posters of Robby Williams and David Beckam and a variety of puppy pictures. A typical room for a typical girl.
She dragged her plumb figure to the wardrobe and pulled out a hideous grey and yellow robe, she put it on, oblivious to its menacing look.
She then opened her door ,walked down the hallway and took a left into a greeny bathroom, to her right was the bath full with the hair of her and her family members, to her left was a lime green wall, she loomed over the sink and brushed her teeth, she then spat out the minty foam and watched it struggle under the stream of water let out through the tap.
She refrained from looking at the mirror mounted on top of the sink, for she did not want to see the ugly reflection again, maybe if she didn’t see it, she would not feel it.
After hobbling down the stairs she bustled to the kitchen. She squinted on entry as a warm , bright light hit her face, through her eyelashes she spotted her two sisters who were round the table in the middle of the room arguing on who received more cocoa pops “ mum! , look at Rachel’s bowl” howled Mandy , as though Rachel had signed over her life.
“You haven’t poured the milk yet” Rachel said, her voice was cheery and young “when you pour the milk it will look bigger”
Rachel eyed the bowl again, this time with understanding but then…
“MUM LOOK AT…….”
A new voice entered the struggle, Jane's voice from the door cut through Rachels wine.
“ Ok, err… who d’you think will win a super battle if king Kong and the hulk had a fight” The two twins began to debate, and the squabble ended before it had time to truly explode, Jane’s mum, turned away from washing up for a moment and winked at Jane, who winked back.
Jane, Mandy and Rachel lived with there mother, who had a divorce while Jane was six, Jane had no problem with the divorce going ahead, she hated her father like cats and dogs and when she and her mother were alone things improved, They lived in a decent house in west Sutton and life went on as normal, the day to day routine held up and other than the weather, Jane’s life was as predictable as gravity.
The cocoapox had been consumed and the empty bowls were now being licked clean by Amber, the family’s torteshell cat.
Jane sat on the chair finishing some toast, she had a look of mild worry on her face, this was the face she always wore before a school day, she didn’t want to go to school, the idea of facing the marauding gangs and the cruel giggles of the students made her feel very glum, another day, just another day she told herself as she stood up and took her plate to the sink.
After getting changed and packing her bag she took her unwilling body downstairs, she packed the twins food in Bratz lunchboxes and kissed her mum goodbye.
Jane’s mum had warred down features of beauty, long brown hair hung from her visible scalp and she wore old jumpers and jogging suits, on the inside she was a kind , loving selfless mother who would give her life to save any of her children’s , and yet she did not know about Jane’s problem.
Jane stepped out in a cold wind, she inhaled the air and felt it fill her lungs like a bucket of ice poured down a balloon. There front garden was completely dominated by a large tattered white car resting on loose grey gravel, she past it and opened the gate.
She was alone now, brisking along on the grey pavements of Sutton in a dark green coat that seemed too small for her and was clearly ripped in more than one place.
She crossed a bridge over a busy railway line and cut through the park. All the time a grey blanket of cloud loomed overhead.
And finally the chatter and hustle of the school reawakened her and ripped her away from her line of thoughts.
Inside the gates the hustle and bustle and the laughs and the various conversations all fused to create a buzz of atmosphere, for some this atmosphere meant excitement and friendship for Jane it symbolized the beginning of another day full of grief and embarrassment.
Chapter 2
After what seemed an hour of leaning against a brick wall, waiting for the lessons to start, they did. The bell rang loud and clear and all the pupils marched up the stairs and through the school doors getting to there class rooms, Jane followed and became part of the stream of black blazers and white shirts. She was barged around and once or twice she lost balance and fell, but she made it to her science class.
She was three minutes late and the whole class was silent and all her class mates had there heads buried in their books. The room was stale, white walls, brown floors and cheap plywood desks with cheaper plastic chairs and the smell of old paint and dust lingered put it was the teacher that made it such an unpleasant place.
“Were have you been” he said with an amused voice.
“I , I…Miss Burton held me to clear the trash and…”
He did not seem interested at all with her excuse any more, it was clear to him that such lateness must be punished hence the fiddling with the the planner and a red piece of paper, he was preparing to issue her an after school detention.
She shuffled through the desks clutching the red detention slip; the students were all silent but a few in the corner who sniggered too quietly for Mr Moss to hear but just loud enough for Jane to be hurt. She sat down on the uncomfortable chair and took out her books.
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Evaluation
Chapter One
"Jane farcry woke with little elegance, a damp patch of pillow soaked in her snot had formed through the night beneath her large nose, her eyes, large and brown as they were seemed to be glued together by sleep."
I do not see the use of describing her snot on the pillow. Such a discription actually turned me off to the story, and being withing the beginning doesn't help. Also, you have a comma splice; consider forming a new sentence beginning with 'her eyes'.
"She dragged her plumb figure to the wardrobe and pulled out a hideous grey and yellow robe, she put it on, oblivious to its menacing look."
Yet another comma splice. I have found that you have numerous within this piece as well as sentence fragments, but sentence fragments are rather beside the point. Simply end the sentence when you have completed the thought at hand. In this sentence, end it after the description of the robe.
"She then opened her door ,walked down the hallway and took a left into a greeny bathroom, to her right was the bath full with the hair of her and her family members, to her left was a lime green wall, she loomed over the sink and brushed her teeth, she then spat out the minty foam and watched it struggle under the stream of water let out through the tap."
This entire sentence, which is preposterous as one sentence, needs to obviously broken down individually. And the description of her walking around her house is both unnecessary and confusing--because it is confusing, it is unecessary.
"She refrained from looking at the mirror mounted on top of the sink, for she did not want to see the ugly reflection again, maybe if she didn’t see it, she would not feel it."
Again, countless comma splices here. Just replace one or two of those commas with periods and revise accordingly.
"After hobbling down the stairs she bustled to the kitchen."
This is one example of your many sentence fragments; you need a comma after between 'stairs' and 'she'.
"She squinted on entry as a warm , bright light hit her face, through her eyelashes she spotted her two sisters who were round the table in the middle of the room arguing on who received more cocoa pops “ mum! , look at Rachel’s bowl” howled Mandy , as though Rachel had signed over her life."
Yet another comma spice that needs to be revised. Also, if you are to have dialogue, it is imparative that you start a new paragraph with it. You also have neglected ending the quotations with a period, so I shall redirect you here.
"'You haven’t poured the milk yet' Rachel said, her voice was cheery and young 'when you pour the milk it will look bigger'"
Another pominent example of neglecting the rules of dialogue grammar. Again, the link given to you previously will assist you.
"Rachel eyed the bowl again, this time with understanding but then…
'MUM LOOK AT…….'"
Unnecessary use of an ellipse at the end of the sentence. And you use way too many periods within the dialogue. Three or four is more than socially acceptable.
""A new voice entered the struggle, Jane's voice from the door cut through Rachels wine."
The word 'wine' is spelt incorrectly; the correct spelling is 'whine'.
". . . had a fight' The two twins . . ."
The identification of what you lack the most in the rules of grammar; you need to have a comma between the last word of dialogue and the quotation mark.
"Jane, Mandy and Rachel lived with there mother . . ."
You describe this in the third person, though your previous writing is directly at Jane. Therefore, I suggest describing Jane, and then Mandy and Rachel as her sisters.
". . . her father like cats and dogs and when she . . ."
This is a rather vague use of a simile. You may wish to elaborate on it. Also, you may consider explaining as to why Jane loathes her father so much.
This story really lacks all emotion whatsoever. It does not seperate from any other stories that could be considered mediocre. I think you may want to work on finding your own voice in literary terms, as to make your writing original and captivating to your readers.
Analysis
This story plot is too early in development for me to tell whether it really has potential. You may have a grand idea for this story, and that is all good and fine. But I think you should take more time into the writing aspect of it rather than the idea and plot.
To put it bluntly, you really need to work on the grammar of this piece. There are far far too many comma splices, sentence fragments, and lack of dialogue and you must develop that aspect of your skill. If you cannot even identify when to place a period, then you really need to take a break from writing stories and go learn the rules of grammar.
I see this very often and it may be me drawn to it or what, but you really need to become patient with literature and take your time in both writing and revising. It seems that you wrote it up and did not take a secondly look at it, submitting it here as a post as soon as you could. This piece, as it lies, is good for you to develop the plot with, but I do not believe it is acceptable here to be viewed by the public.
It is your choice to heed my advice or not. Do what you will wish what I have given you.
Grading
PROSE SCORING
Story Plot: 7.0 / 10.0
Exposition: 7 / 10
Conflict: 8 / 10
Resolution: 6 / 10
Character: 6.7 / 10.0
Individuality: 7 / 10
Goal: 7 / 10
Dialogue: 6 / 10
Presentation: 6.0 / 10.0
Spelling: 6 / 10
Grammar: 6 / 10
Punctuation: 6 / 10
Miscellaneous: 5.0 / 10
Regularity: 6 / 10
Originality: 5 / 10
Enthusiasm: 4 / 10
Tilt: 5.0 / 10.0
Total Score: 6.3 FAIR
If ‘Farcry’ is Jane’s surname, it needs to start with a capital letter.
After the comma in the third sentence, you put a capital letter. Maybe you should exchange the comma with a full stop.
You spelt Robbie Williams incorrect. It has an ‘ie’ not a ‘y’. You also spelt Beckham incorrect as well. It has a ‘h’ after the ‘k’.
In the first line, the comma was supposed to be after ‘door’ not before ‘walked’. Furthermore, there are too many commas in that sentence. Please try to break it up.
That sentence can be broken down. Here is a suggestion: She refrained from looking at the mirror mounted on top of the sink, for she did not want to see the ugly reflection again. Maybe if she didn’t see it, she would not feel it.
You did the same thing again; on the second line, you were supposed to put the comma after ‘warm’, not in between the spaces of ‘warm’ and ‘bright’.
I don’t understand the second sentence. Rephrase it.
After the speech mark in the fourth line, you weren’t supposed to leave a space. In addition, ‘mum’ should be a capital letter.
And you weren’t supposed to put a comma after an exclamation mark.
When the speech mark ends, you have to put a full stop or a comma before it.
After ‘young’ in the second last line, you didn’t put a comma after it.
You need to put a capital letter in the last line! And remember, coco pops should be Coco Pops.
You put seven ellipses, you can use just three.
You wrote ‘Rachels wine’, it was supposed to have a comma: Rachel’s wine.
King Kong and The Hulk were meant to have capital letters.
Why did Jane and her Mum wink? And use spacing.
I don’t understand the simile in the last line.
What is ‘cocoapox’? Isn’t it Coco Pops?
Why does Jane have a pet cat if she hates them?
What is ‘torteshell’?
This paragraph is only one sentence! Break it up!
What is Jane’s problem?
This is the best paragraph so far.
Can you change ‘brisking’ into ‘briskly walking’?
In the second line, it’s not ‘there’ it is ‘their’.
“Were have you been” he said with an amused voice.
‘Were’ = Where
After ‘I’ in the second line there was meant to be a comma right after it.
You wrote two ‘the’ in the second last sentence. Delete it.
Have a look at my suggestions and see how you can make changes in your story. Only the comma parts are bad and capital letters too.Try to use spacing too for each paragraphs. You didn’t seem to have updated and just stopped suddenly.
If you do continue I’d like to see the fantasy about the story. Give Jane some feelings, have her thinking by using italics. For example when she is speaking with the teacher she might, in her thoughts, reveal what she really thought of them or anyone else she sees.
oh, i know its not fantasy fiction but it will be convorted to ff soon (ff : fantasy fiction)