666


Disaster has struck the city of Los Angeles. Three people have been stabbed to death in the past month, all by different murderers, but there seem to be connections between each. All three times, the murders have occurred in full view of security cameras, with witnesses present. Also, each victim was killed using the same weapon, a replica of an ornamental dagger currently in a local museum.


 

Eyewitnesses say that murderers left and came back before killing the victims, and came back looking ‘drunken’, or on one account, ‘like a zombie’. Another fact that has the police baffled is that none of the murderers had any incentive to kill, or any known connection to each other or any of the victims, and all have disappeared.



   

Amanda Greystone – private detective – sighed and put the morning paper down, just as the phone rang. Picking it up, she saw that that it was Harold Park, the head of police.



   

“Hello Harold.” She said, still skimming through the newspaper article. “I assume this is about the three murders in the paper this morning?”



   

“Yes it is. Amanda, please would you come to-”



   

“The museum? On my way.”



   

“Erm, yes. Goodbye.”



 

 Amanda put the phone down, dashed outside and got a taxi. Arriving at the museum, she jumped out and almost ran in. Park was waiting next to the case with the ornamental dagger in. A security guard – ‘Brian Hilman’ according to his nametag – was explaining in detail about the dagger.



   

“Dates back to 1450 y’know. That’s a real ruby on the end there. Hey!” He yelled – Amanda had picked up the dagger. “You can’t jus’ go pickin’ that up! That’s old, that is, that’s-”



   

“A fake.” Amanda said. “Look.” She twisted the ‘ruby’ and it came off, revealing a hollow handle, containing a single piece of paper. Taking it out, she saw that it had a strange symbol written on it – three spirals next to each other, each shaped like a number six. 



   

Back at her flat, it took less than an hour to find out what the symbol meant. It was the logo of a gang that had been around eight or nine years ago, but had long since been disbanded. There had only ever been the leader and six members, and they hadn’t even done much.



   

Then it hit her. Opening the police database, she found the identities of the gang members, and the murderers and victims. They matched, all apart from the leader. The name read ‘Callum Leer’, but she recognised the picture as the security guard, Brian Hilman. Finding more information about him, she made a startling discovery. 



   

He had an opportunity to kill, a motive, and no alibi. Now all she needed was some proof.



   

Twenty minutes later, she arrived at his house, conveniently a short distance from each of the murder scenes.  She’d already phoned Park, so he was on his way. The door swung open as he approached, and she snuck up the stairs. Light was seeping under a closed door. She walked up, turned the handle, and pushed it open. There was a blinding flash of light, a high pitched whining noise, and then… Nothing.



* * *



   

Park stepped out of the police car in front of Hilman’s house, and walked in. A loud bang came from upstairs, and steps sounded, heading towards the stairs. The steps came down the stairs. Feet appeared. Then legs. And then – Park sighed with relief – he saw that it was Amanda. But she walked jerkily, as if she was drunk. Something was glinting in her hand. She raised the dagger, and stepped towards him…



* * *



   Wait… what am I doing? I can’t control my legs… There’s Harold, he’s here already… There’s a voice in my head… Telling me to kill him… I don’t want to… But I must…


* * *


   

“Amanda… what are you doing?” Park asked nervously. She was now only a metre away from him. Without warning, she slashed the dagger down, ripping his shirt, but missing his skin – just. As she raised the dagger for another swipe, he whipped out his pistol and shot her in the leg. Howling, she collapsed, but her eyes didn’t look glazed over any more, and her movements were now sharper.



 

“What… The hell… Was that for?” She hissed through clenched teeth. “Hilman’s… Upstairs… It was him…” 



   

Park rushed upstairs, only to find the window open, and Hilman running down the street outside. 



   

“He’s getting away!” he yelled. 



 

Downstairs, Amanda dragged herself to her feet, and half ran, half limped to the door. The only chance of catching Hilman was the police car outside. The keys were still in the ignition, so in seconds she was chasing after Hilman. She quickly caught up with him, and pulled over in front, blocking any escape from that direction. He turned back, but Park had caught up on foot. Hilman was trapped.



* * *



   

Within the hour, Hilman was locked in a cell. There was no need for a trial, he’d confessed to everything as soon as he was caught. As it turned out, when his gang had abandoned him, he’d resented it so much that he’d spent years planning their murders.



   

“So how did he do it?” Park was still wondering.



   

“Seems like he had some kind of device that flashed loads of lights and played a really weird sound.”  Amanda explained. “One of your science blokes said that it ‘stuns the brain and makes it incredibly open to the power of suggestion’. To put it bluntly, a hypnosis device.”



   

“I believe that we’ve confiscated it and are researching into how exactly it works.”



   

“I should’ve known. You’re planning on using it.”



   

“What? Erm…”



   

“I’ll be going now.” She walked out, still limping slightly. As soon as she got in, she flopped down on her bed.



   

“God I need a break from this.” She said, and fell asleep.



 

Comments & reviews · 2
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abdullah786
Review

Good description, impressive dialogue management, interesting story and down to earth plot. However, the story is too fast, it's as if you've put the mode of the procession of the plot on fast forward. Give the readers some time to take in the whole big picture. If you do not then the story would seem too artificial, too phony.

Also, in order to make the story even more interesting, you could add some emotions to it, some feelings to it. Your story lacks in that matter. But, as I'm sure you're aware, SOME stories require lack of emotions, but those stories are tragic or romantic. It's an art which is specified, not open.

I hope you find my review helpful, and keep up the good work. Plus, I'd like to read more of your stories

User avatar
Annii
Review
Annii wrote a review · Sat Sep 01, 2012 9:53 am

Hey,

I think this could be a really good story - your description of the crime is really clear and the way that the story progresses i.e how the crime is solved is also very pacy.
"He had an oppurtunity to kill, a motive and no alibi," I would be very interested in hearing what those are, as we would learn much more about him from this.
However, nice story. Liked the setting...I'd like to read more :)



When a body moves, it's the most revealing thing. Dance for me a minute, and I'll tell you who you are.
— Mikhail Baryshnikov