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Young Writers Society



Dragonstar - Chapter 5

by blaster219


Previously - Captured by Caldrin, Trace is tortured by the drow ISPD agent for information on Korodo's location but the boy refuses to cooperate. Incensed, the drow decides to kill him, tying up one more loose end. However, Korodo has his crew manage to rescue Trace, driving Caldrin off and retreating with the badly injured boy to their ship. Things aren't quite over for the young boy yet, he still has some awkward questions to answer. Caldrin is still out there, and there is the small matter of the jumper that he failed to deliver.

Caldrin stood at the window, looking out over the cityscape. Dawn sunlight was streaming in from the horizon, bathing the city in a golden-orange glow. In the distance the drow could make out a column of smoke. The fires at the arcology construction site were still burning. In the office behind him, a wall mounted screen was showing a live news broadcast of the “disaster”. The reporter stating that the police were seeking to talk to anyone who witnessed the chase that had caused the explosion. There was no mention that one of those responsible was a half-dragon noble and no mention of what had happened at the penthouse.

The office in which he was standing was part of a suite that belonged to one of the many faceless corporations that did business on Jurrika. The corporation the suite was registered to, Universal Shipping, was a front company used to conceal sensitive ISPD operations. Operations like the covert assassination of a minor noble.

It had been nearly five hours since he had teleported out of the alleyway. By the time he had returned, his target was long gone. A search of the private starport used by the city’s wealthier individuals had revealed that Korodo’s yacht had taken off prematurely, leaving behind a very irate starport controller.

He glanced at the reflection of the drow standing behind him. His grim-faced assistant was holding a data slate; a wafer thin, touch sensitive handheld computer. “Central’s sent another message via the ansible; they’re demanding an update on the operation.”

“Have we located Korodo’s vessel yet?” Caldrin asked quietly.

His assistant looked uncomfortable as he spoke. “You can’t keep ignoring Central. We’ve been able to keep the incident at the penthouse out of the news, but Central will eventually hear about it.” There was a long pause.

With a slight edge to his voice, Caldrin calmly stated, “You didn’t answer the question.”

“They’re in low orbit around Jurrika’s moon,” his assistant answered putting the data slate containing the ship's coordinates on Caldrin's desk.

“Good,” Caldrin said, “then they haven’t left the system yet. Find me some mercenaries with access to starfighters.”

“But what about Central?”

“That was an order.”

“Yes sir,” the assistant replied quickly, leaving Caldrin alone in the office. As he watched the cityscape awaken, the first grains of a plan began to form in his mind. He chuckled as the thought strands coalesced together. “Two problems, same solution,” he said to himself as he picked up the comm. Caldrin was still smiling when the call was connected. “Dorga ... it's about the boy ... we might have a problem,” he began.

----

Checking the feed from the security camera on a handheld screen, Tsukiko made sure that it was safe before she unlocked the door to the storeroom; not that she was expecting any trouble. Normally the room held a few extra spare parts and emergency food packs. However, since they had abruptly taken off ahead of schedule, the supplies had not been loaded and it was currently empty. Empty that was except for their young guest. Trace had regained consciousness soon after being brought on board and had surprised Tsukiko by healing his own wounds. Although the healing magic had repaired the most serious injuries, he had been left with multiple bruises and his leg still required a cast. Numerous aches and pains accompanied the newly healed bones.

After he had been treated for his injuries, Barak and Korodo had questioned the boy extensively for several hours on his involvement with the failed assassination. While the boy was being interrogated, Bolts had been raving to her about how the boy had defeated the penthouse’s security system. He had been impressed, although Tsukiko had had trouble following exactly why. Eventually she’d had enough and mumbled something about making sure the supplies in the medical bay were in order. Although Trace had told the truth during the interrogation when he denied any involvement, his answers hadn’t satisfied the two men and they had locked him in the empty storeroom while they decided what to do with him. That’s when they had both hit upon the idea of sending her in to speak to him.

Wearing an oversized white t-shirt and shorts loaned to him by Bolts, Trace was sitting with his back to the wall facing the window. His cuffed hands in front of him, the short-sleeved t-shirt revealed the black guild tattoo on the underside of his left forearm. He was gazing out of the window, looking at the cratered surface of the moon as the ship orbited the airless orb of rock. When the door opened, the boy didn’t seem to notice as Tsukiko stepped inside, closing the door behind her.

“There’s an old legend,” Trace said without looking up, “about the moon. Long ago, back before the Empire. Way before even the first explorer’s from the old Forongorn Confederation launched themselves into space on top of primitive rockets. It says that the sun never used to set and that the day lasted forever. Back then there was no sickness and no one ever died of old age.” As he spoke, Tsukiko sat down against the wall next to him. “The light from the sun bathed Jurrika in an endless noon. There were things though that shunned the light, despised it. Some say they were creatures that lived deep underground. Other tales say they were demons from beyond the sky and that they lived far beyond the sun’s rays. Whatever the truth, they attacked Jurrika bringing death and destruction. The Sun God and the World Spirit fought the darkness and drove it back but the damage had already been done. Weakened, the sun couldn’t remain in the sky all the time anymore. It had to rest, you know, to recover its energy. This was how the first night came about. Because of this,” Trace said the next unfamiliar word slowly, “en-tro-pe or something entered the world and along with it came illness and ageing. Without the sun in the sky, the world was vulnerable to attack by the darkness during the night. So to protect the life of the world, the sun and Jurrika used a portion of their essences to create a daughter. This daughter, Seastyl, would guard Jurrika during the night hours, defending it against the darkness. According to the old legend, that's where the moon came from.”

“That’s an interesting story,” Tsukiko said sitting down next to him, “who told it to you?”

He paused before responding, blushing slightly as if embarrassed by what he had just said. “My grandpa told it to me when I was little; but it's a load of crap isn't it? We know the moon is a planetoid captured by Jurrika’s gravity during the early formation of the solar system. We have a night ‘cos the planet is round and turns on its axis as it orbits the sun. Seastyl is not a goddess, but a lifeless hunk of rock scarred by aeons of meteor impacts.” Trace sighed. “Science robs all the magic from the universe,” he said with a hint of sadness.

“I disagree,” Tsukiko said after a moment, “without science we wouldn’t be sitting here right now. Before science, the other planets were just pinpricks of light wandering through the night sky. When the first telescopes came along, for the first time anyone could look up and see the beauty of another world, not just mages and clerics using magic. As they got better, we could see them in greater detail and we could see even further out into space. Some of those pinpricks became huge nebulas, splashes of colour light years across. Paint on the canvas of the Gods if you will. Eventually we were able to leave the confines of our own worlds and look down on them from above. For the first explorers, this was a humbling experience. It is true, science does take away some of the magic but it adds so much of its own. Without it, we would only be able to appreciate a fraction of the Gods’ design. Magic and faith tell us who created the universe, science tells us how to appreciate it.”

Trace looked over at Tsukiko. “Never thought of it like that before,” he said smiling slightly. Seeing the shadows around his eyes and the weariness in them, she realised for the first time how tired he must be.

She reached into her pocket, pulled out two plastic-wrapped ration bars and offered them both to Trace. “I thought you might be hungry after all those questions.” Trace snatched the bars out of her hand, ripped off one of the wrappers and stuffed the bar hungrily into his mouth. He didn’t care about its taste has he hungrily wolfed down the ration bar. Tsukiko laughed, “Guess I was right.” Trace paused mid-munch, crumbs tumbling from his mouth as he grinned sheepishly. With his mouth full, he mumbled an embarrassed thank you.

Swallowing a mouthful of the processed synthetic nutrients, Trace gave Tsukiko a sidelong glance. “I know what you’re doing you know.”

Tsukiko blinked nervously. “And what would that be?” She asked sweetly.

“You’re the good cop to their bad cop,” he said between mouthfuls, “it’s the oldest trick in the book. Shiv, I bet they were doing it before they even had books to write it down in.”

“Is it working?” She asked laughing. Trace smiled in response. “So, do you want to tell me what happened?”

Trace’s eyes narrowed and he stopped eating, his expression hardening slightly. “Why don’t you ask your friends? I already told them everything.”

“I could,” she explained, “but I want to hear it in your own words.”

Trace folded his arms and looked away. “Fine, long story short, I was told to slice the security on scale face’s penthouse and boost his jumper. Only it turns out I was being set up by the snakeheads. They used me to get past security so they could kill your boss. Afterwards, the blame was going to be pinned on me. Satisfied?”

“Why you though?” She asked.

“Because I'm just an expendable 'street punk' that’s way” he said, “and I narked off the guildmaster. The guild’s supposed to get a cut out of anything you take only I was cooking the books so to speak...”

“You stole money from the guild!?” Tsukiko said, cutting him off. She may not have been from the streets, but even she knew that was usually a death sentence.

“Hey, it were my money to start off with and it’s beside the point,” Trace snapped. He saw Tsukiko jump back slightly at his harsh tone. Suddenly he felt guilty, it wasn’t her fault that he’d had a bad day, and she was the only one that had been nice to him since all this started. He took a deep breath. “Sorry, long day. The guildmaster found out what I did and after a good beating he ordered me to boost the jumper if I wanted to keep breathing.”

“You could have ran, gone into hiding.”

“If I’d done that, Dorga would’ve had me killed within a week. You don’t know how powerful he is, or what friends he has. I didn’t have any choice,” he said looking at the floor. “Turns out he was setting me up though, either way he wanted me gone. Looks like he's finally had enough of me.”

Tsukiko laid her hand gently on the boy’s shoulder. “This Dorga ... he’s the guildmaster isn’t he? Sounds like a real nice piece of work.”

“Lady,” he said quietly, barely above a whisper, “you have no idea.” When Trace had been brought into the ship’s medbay, during her examination she had noticed old linear scars criss-crossing his back. They were the telltale sign of repeated whip strikes and her medical scans had revealed a number of old bone fractures, some of them going back years; evidence of a harsh and brutal childhood. Under her hand, she felt the boy shudder, as if reliving some memory.

Trace shrugged her hand off and forced a smile. “Yeah, well that’s the past. Unless I can convince your friends that I’m telling the truth, I ‘aint got much of a future have I. ‘Cept maybe getting shoved through the airlock without a suit.”

Shocked by the boy’s cynical words she knelt in front of him, making sure to make eye contact. “I give you my word, that won’t happen.” Trace grunted in response, he wanted to believe her, to trust her, but he couldn’t. He had no reason to; he’d been lied to before by adults claiming to want to help him. Long ago, he’d decided that the only person he could trust was himself; that he was the only one he could rely on.

She made her excuses to leave, saying that the other’s would be wondering where she had gotten too. Trace watched her go, exhaustion beginning to catch up with him.

Tsukiko left the storeroom and headed towards the forward lounge. Located in the Chimera’s bow, the spacious lounge was an extravagance in the otherwise utilitarian Kestrel-class’s design. Originally intended as a military courier, Korodo had “acquired” the ship through his contacts with Galactic Insurgency. Heavily modified, the now elegant exterior allowed the noble to maintain an air of playboy respectability while simultaneously giving him a ship with some teeth. Something that came in useful when he needed to carry out work for the insurgents. Work that it now appeared that someone in the ISPD had discovered.

When she entered the lounge, Barak and Korodo looked up from hologram they had been watching. Projected from a device embedded in the six-seater dining table in the centre of the room, it showed the interior of the storeroom. Trace had curled up on the floor and seemed to have fallen asleep; the oversized clothes making him appear smaller to Tsukiko than he actually was. Bolts was sitting at the end of the table studying several datapads intently, oblivious to what was going on around him.

“Well?” Korodo asked as she sat down at the table.

“He’s telling the truth.”

“What,” a surprised Barak said, “are you sure?”

“I’m only a talent, but I was able to scan him while I was in the room with him,” she explained, “I couldn’t go too deep otherwise he would have noticed. What I did get was that he didn’t know anything about the attempt on L K’s life and he was telling the truth about only being there to steal the jumpcraft.”

“Is that it?” Korodo asked leaning back in his chair.

Looking thoughtful, Tsukiko nodded her head. She had sensed something else whilst scanning the boy’s mind. His emotional state suggested that a deeper connection existed between him and Dorga. The impression she’d received had been vague and pushing deeper would have tipped Trace off about the empathic probing. Still, whatever the truth behind the matter was, she felt it had no bearing on his trustworthiness. There was no need to bring it up.

“The question now then is what do we do with him?” Korodo asked the others.

----

Trace jerked awake suddenly, his head banging against the metal bulkhead. Cursing, he sat up rubbing the back of his head. A muted red light flowed in through the half-open door from corridor outside. The air was still and silent, the only sound was the sound of his breathing and the creaking of the ship’s hull. A sound that unnerved him, a ship should not make that noise. His hands still cuffed, he grasped the edge of the metal shelving and pulled himself to his feet. Carefully he made his way across the storeroom to the door, more out of concern for his still plastered leg than in an attempt to move silently.

The corridor outside was lit by red emergency lights, their glow imparting an ominous red hue to everything within sight. Acting as a hallway, the corridor was actually a large open area in the centre of the ship providing access to the sleeping quarters at the rear of the ship, the medbay and workshop on either side, the forward lounge, the bridge deck above and the small cargo deck below. A solitary handgun lying discarded in the centre of the corridor drew his attention. Cautiously he approached the weapon, unsure whether this was a trap or not. He was still technically a prisoner and it would probably be a bad idea to be discovered loose and wielding a weapon. As he looked around, a shudder ran down in spine. There was something terribly wrong with this situation, every one of his street instincts was screaming at him. He picked up the gun, checked that the power cell was charged and hobbled over to a computer panel on the wall. Its screen was blank and the controls were completely unresponsive.

A sound from behind caused him to spin around, aiming the gun wildly at the source of the noise. On the opposite side of the open space, a door opened and a figure slowly stepped out. The figure was dressed in the same bodysuit that the assassins at Korodo’s penthouse had worn and his face was scorched and blackened from a blaster wound. “You ... I killed you!” Trace said in horror, recognising the assassin as the one he had shot at Korodo’s penthouse. The assassin staggered towards him, its arms outstretched, sightless eyes staring blankly at him. Trace stepped back, his aim wavering until he backed against a closed door. “Stay back!” He screamed. Slapping the door controls was useless, the door refused to open. With the assassin was just a few feet away, Trace had no choice but open fire. Repeatedly pulling the trigger, he sent a flurry of blaster bolts towards the assassin. The bolts struck the assassin in the chest causing him to jerk spasmodically. Trace continued to fire as the assassin collapsed to the floor, the pistol bleeping softly with each trigger pull as the power cell ran out of charge.

With the body of the assassin lying on the floor in front, Trace leaned against the door panting, his heart pounding in his chest. The door suddenly opened and he fell back into the darkened room landing roughly on his back. Before he could react, a shotgun was shoved into his face; Trace could only stare helplessly down the barrel at the man holding the weapon. It was Dorga; he smirked cruelly as he pumped the shotgun’s cocking mechanism. “I always knew you had the killer instinct inside of you. Turns you’re just like your old man after all.” As Dorga’s finger tightened on the trigger, Trace screwed his eyes shut as a crash of thunder and a booming white light washed over him.

----

Barak opened the door and entered the storeroom. Trace was asleep, curled up against a wall and drenched in sweat. When the orc reached over to wake the sleeping boy, Trace bolted awake with a shout. The sudden movement caused Barak to jump back slightly. Panting heavily, the boy’s eyes were wide as the impact of the nightmare he’d been having remained fresh in his mind. “Up and at ‘em kid,” Barak said holding out his hand to Trace to help him up. The boy glanced at him with a tired and suspicious look as he took Barak’s hand.

“More questions? I’m exhausted; can’t we just skip to the airlock and get it over and done with?”

The orc laughed, “Kid, what is it with you and that airlock? You got a death wish or something?” He helped him up and led him out of the storeroom. Trace looked down at the floor as they slowly walked across the central corridor towards the crew quarters. Barak glanced down at the boy. He seemed to not be paying any attention as they walked, operating on autopilot. Completely different to the cocky, street thief he had questioned earlier.

Normally Trace would have paid close attention to the route they were taking, memorising every detail of the corridors as they walked and looking for anything that might increase his chances of escape. He certainly would have noticed the signs pointing towards the launch bay as they walked through the ship and entered the crew quarters area. However, he was preoccupied, hardly seeing any of this. The events of that last several hours had come at a rapid pace and he’d had precious little time to process any of it. Now, he finally had a chance to think. As he reflected on what had happened and what his part had been, part of him was deeply troubled.

Trace wasn’t proud of what he was, although he was proud of his level of skill, the life he led was not one he would have chosen for himself. Forced into it by Dorga, he had learnt from an early age that he had little choice but to be very good at it if he wanted to survive. He had done things that he was not proud of and seen things that would probably haunt him to the day he died. Trace had tried to leave on more than one occasion, but he had always been dragged back by Dorga or one of his henchmen. The punishment he received for these escape attempts had always been harsh and eventually he had given up trying to escape, accepting that this life was what the hand of destiny had dealt him. Despite this, there had always been one line that he had never crossed. One act that he knew, once committed, he could never take back. Taking someone’s life.

No matter what Dorga had forced him to do, no matter what the situation, he had never before killed someone. That had now changed. He knew that it had been self-defence, that he’d had no other choice but to fight for his life. Yet none of that changed how he now felt. He’d broken the one rule he swore never to break and it had shaken him deeply.

Barak shrugged as they entered the crew quarters, dismissing the boy’s docile attitude as the product of fatigue and exhaustion. The Chimera had quarters for six crewmembers, each of them single room berths arranged around an octagonal chamber that possessed an impressive skylight. He opened the door to the spare berth, his eyes lingering for a brief moment on the door to Duncan’s room. They had never been what you would call friends; Barak had served in the Imperial Legions while Duncan had served in the Navy. However, working for Korodo, they had become shipmates and a certain amount of professional respect had emerged over the years that they worked together. Duncan’s loss had also put them in an awkward position, although both he and Bolts had received basic flight training to some degree, it was Duncan whose job it was to fly the Chimera, its shuttle and the jumpcraft stored in the cargo bay. Barak was unsure what they were going to do. It would be extremely difficult to find a competent pilot that they could trust on such short notice.

The room that Trace was led into was spartanly furnished. There was a single bed against one wall and a desk with a small computer display on the opposite wall. A small amount storage space for clothing was located under the bed and a triangular cupboard occupied one corner. Shelving, currently empty, ran along the wall above the bed. Lying neatly folded on the bed, slightly cleaner than they were the last time he had seen them, were the clothes Trace had been wearing when he had been brought onboard. However, what attracted his attention was what was sitting on top of the clothes. It was the photo of Toby, Sam and himself. “I thought I’d lost this in the crash,” he said picking up the photo and looking at Barak gratefully, “thank you.” Barak shrugged as he unlocked the handcuffs. Trace sat down the bed taking the weight off his plastered leg and rubbing his sore wrists. “So, what happens now,” he asked.

“Get some rest,” the orc said, “we’re still trying to decide what do with you.”

“You’re gonna hand me over to the cops aren’t you?”

Barak looked at the boy for a second before answering. “You may not have knowingly been a part of the attempt on Lord Korodo’s life, but you are partially responsible for Duncan’s death. That makes you an accessory.” Trace looked at the floor, as much as he wanted to protest, he knew Barak was right. “But, for some reason an ISPD agent wants you dead. Handing you over to the police now would be giving you a death sentence. I sent enough young men and boys to their deaths when I served in the Legions. It’s not something I want to make a habit of in civilian life.”

Trace smiled, and looked up at the orc. “You’re from the stonebreaker clan, ‘aint ya.”

Barak raised an eyebrow. “How did you guess?”

“The ritual scarification,” he said pointing at the orc’s upper arms, “my face recently got up close and personal with the fists of someone with those same markings.”

“What’s your point?”

Trace shrugged. “Nothing, ‘cept stonebreakers are a pretty honourable lot. When they give their word, you can count on ‘em meaning it.”

“Like I said before kid, get some rest.” With that, Barak left Trace alone in the room. As the door closed, the control panel turned red indicating that it was locked from the outside. Trace lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling and contemplating his future.

----

The shuttle drifted through space, approaching the Chimera from astern. With the shuttle’s stealth characteristics, it was unlikely that the Chimera’s sensors would detect it. The Guildmaster was furious. After everything he had done for the boy, the brat had betrayed him and his client. Now the drow was putting pressure on him to “deal with the problem.” So here he was, piloting a smuggler’s shuttle with a team of his best men. It reminded him of a similar situation ten years ago, which was ironic given his current target.

Dorga brought the shuttle to a relative stop above and behind the Chimera’s stern. Either side of the larger vessels main engines sat the doors leading into the cargo bay and the launch bay. The cargo bay on the port side of the ship and the launch bay on the starboard side. They were drifting just a few meters away from the Chimera’s hull, the shuttle’s airlock aligned with the door to the hanger. Making sure that everyone’s suit was sealed, Dorga slowly decompressed the shuttle. When the atmospheric pressure inside the shuttle reached zero, one of his men opened the door of the shuttle and stepped out into the void. The man drifted towards the Chimera, propelled by little puffs of compressed gas from his EVA harness. He carried a line with him and he fixed it to the hull of the Chimera with a molecular bonding clamp. Carefully pulling a combat knife from an armoured pouch on the side of his suit, he pried off the cover of the external controls for the airlock. He used a pair of leads to connect the door controls to a small computer device and set to work.

----

Trace, unable to sleep, was sitting at the desk looking at the computer display. He was idly searching through the ship’s entertainment library. This was all he could access on the computer without a proper login ID. If he wanted to, he could easily slice the system in order to forge one but he didn’t have the energy. Besides, the last thing he wanted to do right now was antagonise his “captors.”

As he searched through the surprisingly extensive archive of old comics, the system slowed to a crawl. The terminal’s connection to the ship’s network faltered and froze as a “System Busy” message was displayed. “What the,” Trace said as he pressed a series of keystrokes and accessed the terminal’s command line functions. “Someone’s tied up the all the server’s processing power. This ship’s got a state of the art system, that shouldn’t be possible.” The lights suddenly went off and the terminal screen went dark as the power died leaving Trace sitting in complete darkness. “Unless someone was hacking the system in order to shut down main power.” A red emergency winked on bathing the room in a blood-red glow. The door lock clunked as it automatically unlocked, a safety measure in case both main power and backup power failed. He sat there, listening to the silence. With the power out, the life-support system was also out. The only reason why Trace wasn’t bouncing off the ceiling was that despite all the Empire’s technology, no way other than magic had been discovered to generate an artificial gravity field. The Chimera’s artificial gravity, like on most ships, was a by-product of the starcaster, the powerful magical artefact that made interstellar travel possible.

Trace got out of the chair and went over to the door. Grunting, he forced the door to slide open. Dim red lighting illuminated the chamber beyond. A feeling of déjà vu overcame him and shivered in fear as he realised the scene was similar to the dream he’d had earlier. Creeping out into the octagonal central chamber, the boy froze when he heard a voice filtering in from the corridor beyond. It was Dorga. “Tear the ship apart if you have to, but find that boy. Brak, I want the little brat alive, for the time being at least. So go easy on him”

“Crap, Dorga,” Trace thought as he retreated into the room, “this doesn’t sound like a rescue attempt.” He looked around the small cabin but apart from the small cupboard, there wasn’t anywhere to hide. He started to panic but then a thought hit him. He knelt next to the bed and looked underneath. “Yes!” he hissed. In the darkness beneath the bed, he saw the metal grill of a ventilation duct. Grabbing the photo of his friends, Trace crawled under the bed, pulled off the grill and climbed into the vent. It was a tight fit but he was small for his age, irregular meals and surviving off food scraps had seen to that. For once, Dorga’s mistreatment of him was working in his favour.

As soon as he had crawled inside, he heard footsteps in the chamber outside of the room. Hurriedly, he scrambled down the vent, tumbling headfirst into the maintenance crawl space beneath the deck. The crawl space was illuminated by the dim green glow of phosphorescent strips fixed to the ceiling, another emergency measure. It was dark, but the strips gave off just enough light for him to see by. Once again, he was thankful for his mixed-race heritage.

Behind him, he heard someone enter the room and begin roughly searching it. “He’s not in this one, check the next room.” Trace breathed a sigh of relief. “Trickster,” he said, silently addressing the god of thieves and rogues, “why does my life have to be so interesting? Did I offend you somehow in a previous life or do you just enjoy tormenting me?” His musing was interrupted by the sound of blaster fire. Trace ducked instinctively but the fire wasn’t directed at him. The distinctive sound of blasters set to stun was reverberating down the crawl space from another part of the ship. Maybe it was just paranoia, but Trace was scared. He was alone, unarmed and trapped on a space ship with a man that probably wanted him dead; he had to escape.

He started crawling through the crawl space, eventually he found a hatch leading up into the launch bay. Lifting the hatch slightly, he peered into the bay. Like the rest of the ship, the bay was in darkness and lit only by battery powered emergency lights. The bay was empty apart from a single shuttlecraft. He climbed up out of the crawl space and crept over to the shuttle. The shuttle wasn’t locked and its hatch opened when Trace pushed the button. “Talk about piss poor security,” the boy muttered as he climbed in and closed the hatch behind him. Sitting in the pilot’s seat, Trace looked over the controls. With main power down, he’d have to use the shuttle’s cannons to blast the launch bay doors. It wouldn’t be subtle but it would do the job. He was about to begin the shuttle’s start-up sequence when he hung his head and sighed.

The people on this ship had saved his life. Was he capable of abandoning them like this? A conscience was normally a hindrance in the world in which he moved, but right now, it was telling him that he couldn’t just run out on the people that had risked their lives for him. Trace aborted the power up sequence and got out of the chair. He lifted up one of the deck plates in the floor of the shuttle and disconnected one of the glowing power modules. Looking at it, a mischievous grin spread across his face.


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Sun Jul 26, 2009 11:39 pm
blaster219 says...



Also, I'm still confused as to Korodo's reasons for keeping Trace around. The answer that Barak gave feels more like empty platitudes. You stated talking about this "insurgency", which may have been mentioned in the first two chapters, I don't know. If it hasn't, though, you need a better way to introduce it because I was only getting confused. I (and most readers) can only handle being in the dark for long. Eventually, we'll need answers. If Korodo has no reasons, you've got some major revising to do, because the most importnat aspect of any story is the why. Without reasons for action, your characters are just mannequins running around doing things for the hell of it. Which is not a compelling read.


Actually, one thing I forgot. I've started going back and tweaking the previous stuff to take into account your feedback. One of the things I'm planning on doing with this chapter is extended the scene around the conference table to explain why they're keeping him around.

Korodo wants answers, Duncan was one of his oldest friends so he wants to find out who was responsible for his death. At the moment Trace is the only lead they have. Of course, there needs to be a reason why they keep him around once he's answered all their questions. Part of the reason is that if they hand him over to the authorities, he's as good as dead. None of them really want to send him to his death because that is what it would be. This needs to be better explained.

I guess that the other reason is that they are currently without someone who can fly the ship. Guess where Trace comes in here :-)

The insurgency thing, I think I've spotted a place to reference it much earlier, in chapter two. Right at the start in fact. At the moment I don;t but I've I rewrite the first seen I think I can bring it in much earlier.




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Sun Jul 26, 2009 8:48 pm
blaster219 says...



Bickazer wrote:Why is Trace talking to himself? Everything he's saying could be easily spliced into the narration, and as an added bonus, would tie his POV more engaginly into the action. As it is now, I'm getting the unfortunate feeling that I'm reading a comic book.


What, you've never yelled at your computer, screamed at the TV during a sports match, or talked your way through a problem before. I do it all the time. Hell, sometimes I do it in the show when I'm trying to get plot and dialogue sorted in my head. Basically, he's just vocalising his thoughts.

Bickazer wrote:Also, I don't understand why Trace would suddenly burst into story mode. It feels excessively random. Actually, the entire conversation that follows feels random and out of the left field.


When I wrote this (checks some dates on another site) back in August 08, I KNOW I had a reason for this part. That it was important to put it in. But for the life of me I can't remember what it is. Damn me and my lack of note taking.

Bickazer wrote:I've noticed that Trace's speech here has become more slangy and casual, which is a bit disarming since he was speaking perfectly normal before (at least when he was talking to Korodo). Is this intentional?


When he talks about his "word" he does tend to speak "streety." I figure it's a kind of pyshological defence mechanism, pretending to be more confident and comfortable with what he does.

I assume this is the revelation that Dorga is Trace's father. Because if it isn't...dear lord. Anvils.


Yes, Dorga is Trace's dad. Its hinted at a few times quite heavily, but the only two character that know this are Trace and Dorga. No "Luke I am your father" moments. It's meant to come as a shock only to those around them. It gets revealed "publicly" in the next chapter, along with a few other facts about Trace's and Dorga's relationship.

Wait...wasn't the whole assassin thing a dream? Does Trace not know this? As it is, now you've left me scratching my head.


Yes and no. The assassin in the dream is an assassin that Trace kills in the second chapter. Basically, he's having a nightmare about what he did.

Relative stop?


Inner sci-fi buff thing. Things in space don't stop per se, they just stop in relation to each other. IE, two ships in orbit over a planet, pull alongside each other. To the observer they've stopped but in reality they are still moving, just not in relation to each other.

I'm very confused about what's going on here. It seems the middle sentence is a fragment, and the others aren't doing much to clarify what's happening. It's unfortunate when this happens...when you the writer have a clear mental picture what you want but the reader doesn't.


Reading back I agree, when I first wrote this I was basing the ship descriptions off a deckplan, trying to describe its layout and the position of things. Since then, I've decided to abandon that tactic, its just too time consuming, infodumpy and too much effort for too little payoff.

This name bothers me. It's too similar to "Barak".


It bothers me too, and I'm writing the bloody thing! I initially chose similar names since Barak and Brak are meant to be from the same clan, but its just not working out.

Now I'm curious to know how old Trace is. Unless that's already been said in the first and second parts (should get cracking on those soon...)


The first three sentences of chapter one, establish his name, race and age.

Trace was picked up off the floor of the office by one of the guild's enforcers, an orc, and shoved roughly back on to the wooden chair. Wiping his split lip, the young half-elf contemptuously spat a glob of blood at the orc. This earned the 15-year-old another blow to the face, almost knocking him back off the chair.

I'm interested if you're going to be exploring the societal consequences of Trace's mixed-race heritage (a bit like I did with Rione in "Other"...~_^). 'Twould be interesting.


Half-Elves are a common enough subrace that they're accepted in most societys. That said, there are still "purists" who look down on them from both sides of the racial equation. A common insult for them is mongrel (for obvious reasons). In the first two chapters, its mentioned a couple of times how Trace feels about this.

Trace bit back a retort, if there was one thing he hated more than being called an elf, it was being called a mongrel but now was not the sort of time for backchat.

I'd like to see this "roughly searching" myself. Or rather, hear, since Trace can't see it. Overturning tables, stomping around, ripping sheets off beds. That sort of thing. It'll add realism and specificity.


Good idea.

First of all, this should be in a different paragraph since a new person is speaking. Also, how can he be speaking silently? It'd be less ambiguous you mean he's thinking this (the words should be in italics, then, not quote marks).


Consider the amount of times I point this out to people, the whole different paras for different speakers, I'm ashamed to have made this mistake myself. I don't like using italics when writing, mainly because I know I'll forget to add the appropriate formatting tags when copy/pasting into various sites. Some use HTML, some use BBCode, some use wikitags.

but I have to ask--where are Korodo and his bunch? If they're on the ship, then Trace wouldn't exactly be "alone", would he?


All will be revealed, muhwahaa. Actually, your perfectly correct in that he's not alone, there are four other people on board who could help. However, one of the things I tried to establish, is that he doesn't trust ANYONE (except maybe his two friends). He's certainly unlikely to turn to people he's just met for help. He's alone because he believes he's alone.

(and do we honestly need it beaten in our heads so stridently at the emergency lights are red?)


:) Okay, I get the message. No more focusing on the exact spectral frequency of non-standard lighting.




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Sun Jul 26, 2009 7:51 pm
Bickazer wrote a review...



I'm back for another review. ^^ I'll try not to get so nitpicky this time, since I think you're already aware of most of the basic prose-level issues here.

His grim-faced assistant was holding a data slate; a wafer thin, touch sensitive handheld computer. “Central’s sent another message via the ansible; they’re demanding an update on the operation.”


Love how you seamlessly incorporate two worldbuilding aspects here--the data slate and ansible. (the mention of the ansible has particularly gotten me happy, since I'm well-versed in the Enderverse). It's something you're very good at and what a lot of speculative fiction writers (both on YWS and published) could stand to learn.

He chuckled as the thought strands coalesced together.


"Thought" is a bit clunky here since you've already implied that he's thinking from the previous sentence.

“There’s an old legend,” Trace said without looking up, “about the moon. Long ago, back before the Empire. Way before even the first explorer’s from the old Forongorn Confederation launched themselves into space on top of primitive rockets. It says that the sun never used to set and that the day lasted forever. Back then there was no sickness and no one ever died of old age.” As he spoke, Tsukiko sat down against the wall next to him. “The light from the sun bathed Jurrika in an endless noon. There were things though that shunned the light, despised it. Some say they were creatures that lived deep underground. Other tales say they were demons from beyond the sky and that they lived far beyond the sun’s rays. Whatever the truth, they attacked Jurrika bringing death and destruction. The Sun God and the World Spirit fought the darkness and drove it back but the damage had already been done. Weakened, the sun couldn’t remain in the sky all the time anymore. It had to rest, you know, to recover its energy. This was how the first night came about. Because of this,” Trace said the next unfamiliar word slowly, “en-tro-pe or something entered the world and along with it came illness and ageing. Without the sun in the sky, the world was vulnerable to attack by the darkness during the night. So to protect the life of the world, the sun and Jurrika used a portion of their essences to create a daughter. This daughter, Seastyl, would guard Jurrika during the night hours, defending it against the darkness. According to the old legend, that's where the moon came from.”


First of all--massive paragraph. Hurts the eye. I actually had to skim more than read because the information was so condensed. Here's a trick I learned to reduce massive blocks of dialogue--intercut. Have Tsukiko interject, perhaps asking the relevancy of the story, and have Trace continue talking over her. It'd break up the paragraph and make the dialogue more natural.

Also, I don't understand why Trace would suddenly burst into story mode. It feels excessively random. Actually, the entire conversation that follows feels random and out of the left field. Yes, it's an interesting discussion but as it is, it serves no relevancy to the story and neither character seems to have a reason to be engaging in it. Save the idea of the conversation, but perhaps relocate it to another scene where there'd be more reason for the characters to be discussing magic vs. science.

Tsukiko blinked nervously. “And what would that be?” She asked sweetly.


I said I wasn't going to point out little issues like this, but the two adverbs in quick succession here is really bothering me.

“Because I'm just an expendable 'street punk' that’s way” he said, “and I narked off the guildmaster. The guild’s supposed to get a cut out of anything you take only I was cooking the books so to speak...”


I like the slang here. ^^ It's foreign yet it's easy to understand, and not overly laid on.

Trace shrugged her hand off and forced a smile. “Yeah, well that’s the past. Unless I can convince your friends that I’m telling the truth, I ‘aint got much of a future have I. ‘Cept maybe getting shoved through the airlock without a suit.”


I've noticed that Trace's speech here has become more slangy and casual, which is a bit disarming since he was speaking perfectly normal before (at least when he was talking to Korodo). Is this intentional?

Trace grunted in response, he wanted to believe her, to trust her, but he couldn’t. He had no reason to; he’d been lied to before by adults claiming to want to help him. Long ago, he’d decided that the only person he could trust was himself; that he was the only one he could rely on.


I think this bit should be a separate paragraph.

That being said, I like the further insight into Trace's mind. It's making me wonder what incidents happened inthe past to get him the way he is today.

She made her excuses to leave, saying that the other’s would be wondering where she had gotten too.


I don't understand the entirety of the second clause, most likely because it feels like there are several typos in it. You mean "others", and I think the "too" should be a "to" (uncertain, though).

Originally intended as a military courier, Korodo had “acquired” the ship through his contacts with Galactic Insurgency. Heavily modified, the now elegant exterior allowed the noble to maintain an air of playboy respectability while simultaneously giving him a ship with some teeth. Something that came in useful when he needed to carry out work for the insurgents. Work that it now appeared that someone in the ISPD had discovered.


“I’m only a talent, but I was able to scan him while I was in the room with him,” she explained, “I couldn’t go too deep otherwise he would have noticed. What I did get was that he didn’t know anything about the attempt on L K’s life and he was telling the truth about only being there to steal the jumpcraft.”


Well, twist!

I feel the twist's impact is somewhat dulled, though, because the previous scene alternated between Trace and Tsukiko's POV. Again, I reiterate that this story would work best if told through multiple third person limited POV's. The twist would be even more effective if the above scene was only from Trace's POV. The audience can be lulled into thinking Tsukiko's there only because of the "good cop bad cop" thing, so the twist here will come as even more of a shock.

She had sensed something else whilst scanning the boy’s mind.


*twitch* Again, this "whilst" word...I don't like it. It might work in high fantasy, but not in a story such as this.

His emotional state suggested that a deeper connection existed between him and Dorga. The impression she’d received had been vague and pushing deeper would have tipped Trace off about the empathic probing. Still, whatever the truth behind the matter was, she felt it had no bearing on his trustworthiness. There was no need to bring it up.


If Dorga isn't Trace's father, then congratulations on this brilliant red herring. If he is, then...foreshadow it a little less obviously. If the audience is already supposed to know (because of the first two chapters I didn't read...), then ignore everything I just said.

“The question now then is what do we do with him?” Korodo asked the others.


Both the "then" and "the others" are unnecessary.

Trace jerked awake suddenly,


...."suddenly"? *twitch twitch*

Granted, you have leeway since this is a first draft, but heaven forbid if a "suddenly" sneaks its way into the revised version.

The air was still and silent,


In this context, "still" and "silent" mean essentially the same thing.

A sound that unnerved him, a ship should not make that noise. His hands still cuffed, he grasped the edge of the metal shelving and pulled himself to his feet.


You have two comma splices here in quick succession. I'd replace the first with a semicolon, and reword the other one completely to emphasize the difficulty he has to pull himself up when his hands are cuffed.

The corridor outside was lit by red emergency lights, their glow imparting an ominous red hue to everything within sight.


The first "red" is unnecessary, because otherwise you're just repeating the fact that the lights are red as if the audience is unable to grasp it the first time.

Also, this paragraph and the subsequent ones in this scene are truly monsters. I almost screamed when I saw them. Consider cutting them into smaller, more manageable paragraphs.

“You ... I killed you!” Trace said in horror


"In horror" is unnecessary because what he's saying and the way he's desribing the assassin already make his horror abundantly clear.

I do like how you're really delving into Trace's mind here. It's the first time the story has ever stuck so tightly to one POV and I appreciate it. Even the words you're using are ones that will help convey Trace's story. Something like this is what I'm looking more forward to when it comes to the action scenes.


With the body of the assassin lying on the floor in front


Very messily phrased. Actually, a lot of the sentences here could do with a few extraneous words being slashed away. I won't point all of them out since you can probably find them yourself, but needless to say, when you read over this, ask yourself if every word is 100 percent necessary. Chances are, quite a few of them won't be. Especially with the voice in which you're writing this story, a prose style more economical and sparse would serve the story best.

Keep a vigilant eye on the adverbs, especially. They're detracting from the flow of this otherwise actiony scene.

“I always knew you had the killer instinct inside of you. Turns you’re just like your old man after all.”


I assume this is the revelation that Dorga is Trace's father. Because if it isn't...dear lord. Anvils.

Trace screwed his eyes shut as a crash of thunder and a booming white light washed over him.


I like the synaesthesia with the "booming white light" but in conjunction with the "thunder" bit, it feels overplayed.

The sudden movement caused Barak to jump back slightly.


Another sentence that bothers me too much to ignore. A lot of this could be helped with finding a single strong verb to use in lieu of the weak adjective and adverb modifiers rife in this piece.

He helped him up


Pronoun confusion much? Now, I do know it's Barak helping Trace up, but this phrase still gave me a double take. Replace one of those ("he" or "him", your choice) with a name.

As he reflected on what had happened and what his part had been, part of him was deeply troubled.


I don't like the telling when it comes to saying he's "deeply troubled". You already show that Trace is troubled from his subsequent thoughts, so this entire sentence strikes me as redundant.

Trace wasn’t proud of what he was, although he was proud of his level of skill, the life he led was not one he would have chosen for himself.


There's a comma splice somewhere here. I had to read this sentence twice to understand it.

No matter what Dorga had forced him to do, no matter what the situation, he had never before killed someone. That had now changed. He knew that it had been self-defence, that he’d had no other choice but to fight for his life. Yet none of that changed how he now felt. He’d broken the one rule he swore never to break and it had shaken him deeply.


Wait...wasn't the whole assassin thing a dream? Does Trace not know this? As it is, now you've left me scratching my head.

Barak shrugged as they entered the crew quarters, dismissing the boy’s docile attitude as the product of fatigue and exhaustion. The Chimera had quarters for six crewmembers, each of them single room berths arranged around an octagonal chamber that possessed an impressive skylight. He opened the door to the spare berth, his eyes lingering for a brief moment on the door to Duncan’s room. They had never been what you would call friends; Barak had served in the Imperial Legions while Duncan had served in the Navy. However, working for Korodo, they had become shipmates and a certain amount of professional respect had emerged over the years that they worked together. Duncan’s loss had also put them in an awkward position, although both he and Bolts had received basic flight training to some degree, it was Duncan whose job it was to fly the Chimera, its shuttle and the jumpcraft stored in the cargo bay. Barak was unsure what they were going to do. It would be extremely difficult to find a competent pilot that they could trust on such short notice.


I'm very confused now. When did Duncan die?

Hold on, reading over this, I realize that Duncan died some while back, before the story started. If that's the case, make it more clear from the get go. You'd probably do well with the past perfect tense (I believe that's what it's called...unsure, though). "Had been", that sort of thing. It would also help if you didn't call the room "Duncan's room" as if he still was living in it. "The room that had formerly belonged to Duncan" seems a bit too wordy, though.

The room that Trace was led into was spartanly furnished.


Though I know "spartanly" is a word, it strikes me as a particularly egregious example of adverb abuse. *twitch* Excise it.

“I thought I’d lost this in the crash,” he said picking up the photo and looking at Barak gratefully, “thank you.”


"Thank you" already implies gratitude, so no need for the "gratefully".

So, what happens now,” he asked.


If he's asking, shouldn't there be a question mark?

"You may not have knowingly been a part of the attempt on Lord Korodo’s life, but you are partially responsible for Duncan’s death. That makes you an accessory.”


Hold on...oh...wait...

I see, I'm probably getting confused because I didn't read the first and second parts. ^^ Disregard everything I said about Duncan, then. Yeah, I suppose I should read the story's beginning first...my fault, not yours.

Trace lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling and contemplating his future.


"Contemplating the future"? Icky, telly, and veering into purple territory. Remove it and you'll have a much stronger sentence. The very fact that Trace is staring at a ceiling already conveys that he's contemplating something.

It might be just me, but I prefer it when actions that already imply an emotion aren't followed with a direct statement of the emotion. For example, saying "thank you" implies gratitude. Staring at the ceiling implies thinking. Folding arms and frowning implies upset. There's no need to follow any of those actions with "he was grateful, he was thinking, he was upset". They speak for themselves. Subtlety is always better than being beaten over the head with a mallet. Or anvil.

It reminded him of a similar situation ten years ago, which was ironic given his current target.


Fascinating foreshadowing...

Dorga brought the shuttle to a relative stop above and behind the Chimera’s stern.


Relative stop?

Either side of the larger vessels main engines sat the doors leading into the cargo bay and the launch bay. The cargo bay on the port side of the ship and the launch bay on the starboard side. They were drifting just a few meters away from the Chimera’s hull, the shuttle’s airlock aligned with the door to the hanger.


I'm very confused about what's going on here. It seems the middle sentence is a fragment, and the others aren't doing much to clarify what's happening. It's unfortunate when this happens...when you the writer have a clear mental picture what you want but the reader doesn't.

Trace, unable to sleep, was sitting at the desk looking at the computer display. He was idly searching through the ship’s entertainment library. This was all he could access on the computer without a proper login ID.


The repetition of "subject was" at the beginning of each sentence is bothersome.

Someone’s tied up the all the server’s processing power. This ship’s got a state of the art system, that shouldn’t be possible.” The lights suddenly went off and the terminal screen went dark as the power died leaving Trace sitting in complete darkness. “Unless someone was hacking the system in order to shut down main power.”


Why is Trace talking to himself? Everything he's saying could be easily spliced into the narration, and as an added bonus, would tie his POV more engaginly into the action. As it is now, I'm getting the unfortunate feeling that I'm reading a comic book.

A red emergency winked on bathing the room in a blood-red glow.


Again, the repetition of "red"...

The Chimera’s artificial gravity, like on most ships, was a by-product of the starcaster, the powerful magical artefact that made interstellar travel possible.


Another interesting worldbuilding detail, neatly spliced into the text.

Was this the part where you were worried about info-dumping? Don't be--and here's a secret: sometimes an info-dump such as this is necessary. If there's no other way to introduce a concept vital to the text except through a small info-dump, then by all means do so. What is unforgivable is if you open the story with "There is a planet called Jurrika. Different races live on it. Magic and technology coexist, blah blah blah..." (You have no idea how many stories I see that begin like that on YWS...) You haven't done that though, so an info-dump along the lines of "artificial gravity is generated by this..." where it's appropriate to mention artificial gravity feels perfectly natural and excusable.

A feeling of déjà vu overcame him and shivered in fear as he realised the scene was similar to the dream he’d had earlier.


This is an interesting tidbit--it's making me wonder if Trace perhaps has prophetic dreams. If you didn't intend to imply that, then perhaps change the wording.

It was Dorga.


I'm bothered by this. It just feels so understated and matter-of-fact, when I think you were aiming for something more dramatic. Part of that comes from not getting Trace's reaction to this. You've been doing a good job at intertwining his feelings with the text in the rest of the chapter, so don't stop now. ~_^

Brak


This name bothers me. It's too similar to "Barak".

So go easy on him”


You're missing a period here.

It was a tight fit but he was small for his age,


Now I'm curious to know how old Trace is. Unless that's already been said in the first and second parts (should get cracking on those soon...)

Once again, he was thankful for his mixed-race heritage.


I get the feeling that this is because he can see better than a human can, but it's stated in such an oblique way that the connection is easy to miss. Strengthen it.

I'm interested if you're going to be exploring the societal consequences of Trace's mixed-race heritage (a bit like I did with Rione in "Other"...~_^). 'Twould be interesting.

Behind him, he heard someone enter the room and begin roughly searching it.


I'd like to see this "roughly searching" myself. Or rather, hear, since Trace can't see it. Overturning tables, stomping around, ripping sheets off beds. That sort of thing. It'll add realism and specificity.

“Trickster,” he said, silently addressing the god of thieves and rogues, “why does my life have to be so interesting? Did I offend you somehow in a previous life or do you just enjoy tormenting me?”


First of all, this should be in a different paragraph since a new person is speaking. Also, how can he be speaking silently? It'd be less ambiguous you mean he's thinking this (the words should be in italics, then, not quote marks).

I do like how the line shows us a bit of Trace's character.

He was alone, unarmed and trapped on a space ship with a man that probably wanted him dead; he had to escape.


I like how this sums up the direness of Trace's position, but I have to ask--where are Korodo and his bunch? If they're on the ship, then Trace wouldn't exactly be "alone", would he?

He started crawling through the crawl space, eventually he found a hatch leading up into the launch bay.


If you don't want this to be a comma splice, either replace the comma with a semicolon, or (this is what I would recommend, it sounds better to me) rephrase it as "eventually finding".

The people on this ship had saved his life. Was he capable of abandoning them like this? A conscience was normally a hindrance in the world in which he moved, but right now, it was telling him that he couldn’t just run out on the people that had risked their lives for him.


Nice sign of character development. I'm really starting to like Trace, which is incredible because I began my journey in this story hating him. You've made him very relatable and easy to root for--people trapped in unforgiving situations, a Trace has been in since the story began, naturally earn our sympathy.

Looking at it, a mischievous grin spread across his face.


Is this really the chapter end? It seems...jarringly sudden.

Overall thoughts:

It's a good sign that this story is getting better and better with each chapter. Growing more complex, adding more layers, ramping up the conflict...and best of all, getting us closer to the characters. Only at a few points in this chapter did I feel as detached as I did in the previous ones. It seems to me you've finally found your stride with Trace's voice; his voice predominated in this chapter and nearly every scene was tied to his thoughts and feelings. Especially the final scene: I could feel his tension. You weren't just showing me his actions, but his feelings on being discovered, on having to hide, on all the crap that's been happening to him, and then that last glorious piece of character development.

There were some rough spots, though--you were still dancing around with POV's in the scene between Trace and Tsukiko. It seems you were trying to use omniscient tense, but honestly, this is a story that benefits from being told largely from Trace's limited POV, with a few other limited POV's to intercut. This story is Trace's story. I think you've been intending that from the beginning but it hasn't really become clear until this chapter. Go back to all the jumpy-POV scenes and rework them from a single POV--in most cases they'll work best from Trace's.

Also, I'm still confused as to Korodo's reasons for keeping Trace around. The answer that Barak gave feels more like empty platitudes. You stated talking about this "insurgency", which may have been mentioned in the first two chapters, I don't know. If it hasn't, though, you need a better way to introduce it because I was only getting confused. I (and most readers) can only handle being in the dark for long. Eventually, we'll need answers. If Korodo has no reasons, you've got some major revising to do, because the most importnat aspect of any story is the why. Without reasons for action, your characters are just mannequins running around doing things for the hell of it. Which is not a compelling read.

And if Dorga being Trace's father is supposed to be a secret...oh ho, you've got your work cut out for you. Unless you're trying to plan red herrings, which in that case your effort is commendable. Right now, though, it's so blindingly obvious that Dorga is Trace's father that I'm starting to wonder if it isn't supposed to be a secret at all and is something I missed from the first two chapters.

Your prose, as usual, did an effective job. The same problems are still present that were there in previous chapters though--clunkiness, verbosity, overuse of adjectives (and do we honestly need it beaten in our heads so stridently at the emergency lights are red?). Streamline, streamline, streamline. It'll serve this story well.

All in all, an enjoyable read; I especially love that this story is getting better with each subsequent chapter. I look forward to more...but probably, I should get acquainted with the first two chapters first. XD I can't say if I'll be this in-depth for them, though...

PM if you have questions, and the best of luck in your endeavors.





NO U
— Carina